I live in a big city as does my brother but I don’t see him…I have seen him in Scotland where we are from at funerals and wedding but I do not interact with him , except for a few words here and there.
He has never really worked, is addicted to gambling, is controlling and is imo a narcissist and has been at violent in the past.
20 years ago I gave him hundreds of pounds to rent a flat in London. He told my mother he was depressed and suicidal and he had no place of his own…(even though several other family members helped him or gave him jobs, money etc at sometime ) . He went on holiday with my money and when I have seen him at our original home in the intervening years he has never mentioned it .At the time I cut ties with him. He also said some rotten things about me behind my back. But we were both young and life went on… I am now in my 50s as is he and we are both single. He has been for the last few years phoning my mother every day and visiting her more regularly. Sounds great doesn’t it . Except he rings her to track everything she does and if she doesn’t answer him he gets enraged. He also rings to slag the rest of us and tell her not to go near us because we don’t want her, etc
She has a house and several thousands in the bank. I think he is after the money .My other siblings who live in Scotland don’t see what he is up to or don’t care. They see him for short periods of time at their houses and all seems lovely
He interrogates my mother everyday but she cannot ask him any questions about what he is up to. He also has no boundaries or shame and rewrites history. Now that he is older he is less chaotic and seems like a more reasonable person to those not in the know. He denies any past transgressions as having never happened if my mother brings them up
The problem for me is what to do if he fleeces my mother as she gets older and maybe a bit senile. Also I will have to come more and more in contact with him as I visit my mother so need some boundaries as no contact is not possible
But I want to set very strict boundaries but not sure how. Or maybe if I go with the flow he will not bother me much becasue he is affronted that someone should cut him off. For instance he will want my mobile number for some valid at the time reason but as time goes by will use to use to track me everyday as he sets me up as a replacement for my mother . Sounds like I am being melodramatic but I know down inside what he is like and that is exactly like my father who was like a toxic child . He will just show up at my flat in London if I am at all nice to him and I know where that will lead . He wil expect me to be there fro him as he does of every one. But more so me as I am single older and in the same city . Also while at home if I try and go out with a female friend he wlll want to tag long and take over the conversation as he has done before but if I say no he will either go ballistic or become upset about how he has no one and we are all running away on him which is in a way true. He doesnt ahve friends for long. His old age is coming and he will try and get ‘looked after’ as so many in my family have done esp the men. The family dynamic is that you do everything for the men and you look after the one usually who did nothing for anyone else, inc some women
I don’t feel I could discuss with him the issues or his behaviours as he would pretend to understand and just ignore or would use against me…I cannot open up to him..I know because he is just like my father who only cared about himself first and foremost. It is hard that I have found some peace in my life after so dreadful relationships with men and now I have to take others on board. Any help with boundaries as NC is not really possible, esp about keeping him away from my flat and my life in London. BTW many of my aunt, uncles s and cousins think I am dreadful not being in contact with him. And I do feel guilty .I do loads of charity work but I have no charity when it comes to him I guess because he reminds me so much of my father