Help me move on

[falaff]

Hi everyone.

In October I broke up with my partner. We had a very intense relationship but we argued a lot. Mostly this was about his mild emotional abuse which involved him being unhappy with me seeing certain friends and also putting me down. I was also repeatedly made to feel that I was never doing enough, was never spending enough time with him, that I should choose him over my parents and friends, etc. I loves him very much and still do, and my life revolved around him for many months.

I had to end it because I was getting ill - my anxiety was getting very bad and I was constantly on edge. We talked and talked about his problems and he did take some improvements, but I needed to step away. I told him that we couldn't be together right now but if he worked on himself by getting counselling etc then I would consider trying again in the future.

I have really, really struggled with the break up - it was so intense and happy at times and so involved that I lost a big part of my life when we broke up. I am currently unemployed, living alone, and have few friends. I am trying hard to make new friends and get out but I think about him all the time. I can't sleep at night and just cry all the time.

I just ran into him out of the blue and we talked. He told me that he got a new girlfriend three weeks after we broke up. Previously he had sent me reems of stuff about how he was going to change and how much he loved me.

I really thought he was going to go away and work on his jealousy and insecurity. But instead he found a new relationship. I'm so hurt. I tried me absolute bloody best to show him how much I loved him, driving hundreds of miles, giving up my friends, spending al my time with him, being thoughtful and attentive. I feel so hurt that he moved on so quickly whilst I am still sobbing over what we lost.

Please can someone give me some advice about how to move on? I've written things down, I'm workng on my happiness, I'm trying to distract myself. But the pain isn't going away.

You have too much time on your hands to think.

Can you volunteer to keep busy and meet new people.

Yes you're right. I chose to have a period of unemployment so that I could work on myself and reconnect with hobbies and things but I'm just very lonely. I am applying to jobs now to try and improve this and am sorting out some volunteering.

I just can't stop thinking about him all the time, and I worry that I am going to be alone. I know these are two separate issues. I haven't felt like this in a breakup before and after 3 months I thought it would get better.

Sorry about the typos in the first message by the way.

Keep reading your post back to yourself. It was a car crash. He was abusive (it is telling you think it was only "mild" emotional abuse, but abuse it was), your mental health was suffering, and to top it all he found someone else straight away.

Does that sound like a "good" relationship? If you were right for each other, you'd still be together.

Just keep telling yourself that. And give it time. It's only a few months in. Some people get over break-ups quickly - others need much more time to process it, pick themselves up and start looking forward again.

And as said, you need to find something worthwhile to do. Staying in on your own, brooding and wallowing, is really not doing you any good. What are your employment prospects? Anything is better than nothing to get you out of the house and give your day some purpose. Failing that, find a local charity shop or something desperate for volunteers.

What do you enjoy doing? Or rather - what did you used to enjoy before all this? Concentrate on yourself for a while, find some projects in the house, set yourself some targets. The rest will follow, although it may not seem like it at the moment. Chin up!!

Thanks. I know that it was a bad relationship. But I was so involved with it and it had such good highs that I can't stop missing him. He was so lovely in many ways. I am so hurt that he has found someone else so quickly and she now has the best version of him. I have been fantasising about us being back together and now I dread that this will be replaced with me thinking about him being with her.

I've lost a lot of confidence over the past year and my anxiety has really taken a hold. I blame the relationship for a lot of this although I also had a stressful job at the time. I was just so on edge and thinking about things all the time and that hasn't gone away.

I desperately miss being in a relationship and having a best friend. I don't feel strong enough to do many things on my own anymore. I didn't used to be like this but I can't seem to shake it. I don't have any friends who I can go out with and I don't know how to meet a new partner other than using online dating. I just feel very lost and this has just finished me off.

This is an opportunity for you to grow and change. He's chosen to do the same thing with a different woman so will likely end the same way and he'll continue to not learn anything. If you do the work on yourself and take whatever lesson this relationship should have taught you (probably how to spot and get out of an abusive relationship) then you will be a better person and in a position to have a more successful relationship. The fact that he was making you anxious and Ill is enough for you to end the relationship. A partner should love you and enhance your life not make you sad and broken. I know, I really do, how hard it is to be alone and how much it makes you think of the good times but it will only make it all the sweeter when you meet someone decent and you are lucky to have got away from an abusive man. I have to co-parent with one

Write him a letter, handwritten on paper, about how betrayed you feel by his lies about changing and his subsequent admission that he was already knocking boots with some other chump 3 weeks after he dumped you.

My letter would start "Jesus christ, I knew you were a cunt, but I didn't realise you were actually off the cuntometer."

Pour out your venom and your anger. Tell him you hope XX happens.
(Mine would read "I hope you step in dog shit every day and have to buy new shoes because it stinks so much, and furthermore I hope one day you slip on said dog shit, fall over, and it gets in your hair, and you feel like you can smell it for at least a month. Also, verrucas.")

Take the letter, read it through to yourself. Then burn it. Also burn anything of his that you still have - printed photos, books, notes, anything.

That fire is you letting go of your feelings for him, forever. Both the remnants of the love, and the rage that you're feeling.

If you can't set fire to it, put it all in a bin bag and take it to your local recycling centre and throw it into "General Waste". That's now his nickname in your head. And when you think of him, remind yourself that he stinks of bin juice.

I know I might sound glib, but I really believe in the power of "ritual" to help us let go of unhelpful emotions and memories. You deserve better than to be upset over this stinking piece of unwanted phlegm.

Don''t even think about dating for a while. Online dating can be brutal and you need to get your confidence back and be comfortable in your own skin before you are ready to date again.

Work on that confidence in whatever ways work for you. Getting back into the job market and having a reason to get out of the house because someone is relying on YOU to do the job YOU were picked for is a great confidence booster. Doesn't matter what that job might be - you will be part of a team that needs you.

As for friends - you need to find a way to mix with like minded people who share your interests. Can you reconnect with the friends you lost through this relationship?

And above all - just give it time. There's no right time to feel ready to move on - you'll be ready when you're ready and one day you will wake up and realise you're sick of thinking about it and the whole thing just doesn't hurt as much anymore.

I applaud you for having the courage to end the relationship on your terms and for recognising how toxic it was. The next step is to embrace the fact that the relationship you wanted isn't there, isn't coming back and actually was never really there at all.

Why do you think the new woman gets the best version of him? Did a miracle happen in the three weeks between you and her? Did he do some intensive self reflection and totally change his personality? Bollox! He just jumped to a new victim because he can't feel big without making someone feel small. It's his nature.

He was an undermining insecure controlling twat to you, and 100% he's the same undermining insecure controlling twat to her. Poor woman!! His behaviour towards you was not a reflection of you, but of him.

And if your idea of a best friend is someone who controls and undermines you so badly that you get mh issues then you need to seriously raise your friendship standards bar, let alone boyfriend standards.

Working on yourself needs to be active and forward thing. The freedom programme would be a good idea before you go seeking another relationship. Counselling for self confidence. And new hobbies that invoke groups for exploring new friendship. Looking back at a shite relationship with rose tinted glasses is going to do you no good. You had the smarts to get out before it gets worse. Use those smarts again nie. There IS a glorious, happy future out there for you, looking back unrealistically is just blocking that future.

.....again now ffs

Omg well done you for having the strength to leave him! I'm really impressed. The fact that he moved on so quickly is another sign you did the right thing. Please don't look back. You were already feeling so anxious with him, remember that, and it simply would have got worse. His poor new girlfriend - hopefully she'll be strong enough to leave him once he starts with his emotional abuse on her, because it will happen, if it hasn't already.

Run and don't look back!

You are now free to move on and look forward to a future with an emotionally healthy man who doesn't make you ill

All you've lost here is an abusive liar who couldn't even wait a full month to get his end away.

Also there is no such thing is 'mild'.... abuse is abuse full stop. You're hampering your recovery by minimising his behaviour and trying to place it on some sort of scale.

Anyone who plays with your mental health and self worth is trash. Always remember that.

Good luck

Thanks. I've just been out with a friend I couldn't see when I was with my partner so that was nice.

I am angry and recognise that he is a complete selfish arsehole for treating me like this but it doesn't seem to stop the pain. I am just constantly thinking about it. I just want it to stop and bound to genuinely move on.

He said that he wasn't like this in his previous relationship of 8 years (he ended it with her) and he says that he isn't like this with his new girlfriend now. Maybe I bring out the worst in people.

I am just so angry and sad. He apologises for how he treated me but there's always a "but you did this and it caused me to be like this."

I just can't understand how he can move on so quickly. He was so obsessed with me. Three weeks is nothing. He says that he didn't mean it to happen and says why shouldn't he be happy and try to move on. I wish I could do the same. All I want is a happy relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love them and I am so scared it won't happen.

I also think I'm envious that he's got a new relationship straight away and one that doesn't give him angst. I wish I could do that. I really don't know how. It was so easy for him and I wish it was easy for me. I would love to be able to move on from him and find someone but I just don't know how.

OP - he’s talking shite!

You know him, dumped him and walked away.

So being a classy abuser, he pushes all your buttons and you believe him?

If he’s with someone else, she’ll be getting the same deal but maybe she just falls into line with his control tactics.

A good man would’ve just asked how you are and not gone into detail like that! He’s tantamount confirming the twat he is.

It may feel crap - but you dodged a bullet. When you feel happier - you’ll wonder what the bloody hell you ever saw in him. Work towards that day. You deserve much better - you know it because you told him, quite rightly to stop being a twat or leave you be.

That was your instinct. You were correct.

Get through this. Get some work, get your hair done, make some new friends and reconnect with the old.

You’ll get through it.

Oh and get your headphones on and have a silent disco. It helps :-)

I asked him if he had a girlfriend because I wanted to know. And it has helped me realise who he really is. Who can possibly say they love someone more than they've ever loved anyone and then go and shag someone else in three weeks?

I just want him to really understand what he's done and what he's thrown away. But I don't think I'll ever get that from him.

I am still just thinking about it all the time. How do you keep your mind from going around all of this?

You don't realise who he is though do you op as you're still expecting him to have some sort of epiphany and as you put it realise what he's lost.

You need to look at the actions here, not the words......Don't look at what he says look at what he does.

Actions tell you exactly what you need to know; a controlling, manipulative abuser that can't keep his cock on his pants is not a catch!

Immerse yourself in friends work and hobbies. This twat is not the centre of the universe, move on and stop giving him the satisfaction of thinking he is.

Let your ego take it on the chin and move on!!

I know, he won't accept the responsibility and truly apologise. I don't want to be with him anymore but I want him to stop taking up my life. Apparently I 'made' him move on by finally sending one text telling him that I was sick uf him being abusive after he rang my mum up and told her that I shouldn't be living close to him or going to the gym we shared.

It's just a complete head fuck - I know he's wrong for me and I know that I am grieving something that didn't even exist. I miss the person I thought he was but he never would be. Despite knowing this I still can't stop the obsessive thoughts.

I hate him for taking away my confidence and making me second guess myself and I hate him for taking up so much of my energy that I could have invested elsewhere.

Not sure if it's been said. But keep telling yourself this...

Laugh at this thought. - That new girl won't put up with his abuse either and if she does what an idiot. He won't change, he'll be nice to her for now. But the jealously and controlling abusive behaviour will come through. Laugh at that!!

You don't have to put up with that anymore. It's someone else's problem and certainly not your loss.

You are an amazing woman I'm sure. Go and regain control of YOUR life FOR you. Xxxxx

Thank you. I actually just saw him to pick up something he forgot to give me back. I told him exactly what I thought about him finding someone else 3 weeks after we broke up after him telling me I was the love of his life and how he couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I told him how I now see him for who he really is - a selfish, immature person who only thinks about himself. I didn't give him the opportunity to reply or get in the last word which I know he will hate.

It felt really good to say it to his face and see his reaction. I am going to remember this feeling and use it to move on to better things. I don't need that shit in my life anymore!

I also told him that he didn't deserve any more of my mental energy and so every time he pops into my head I'm going to tell myself 'no, you're not taking up any more of my time'. I hope that if I am strict with myself then I can try and reduce these obsessive thoughts.