I don't think I really know what a healthy or normal relationship looks like. Can you help?

[Breakawaygirl]

My partner has many great qualities, in fact I think our biggest issue is that we are fundamentally incompatible, but there are things that have happened, both recent and long ago that lead me to question what is healthy/normal, as I don't think I've ever had a healthy/normal relationship (no bad upbringing, just hasn't happened.)

I'm not looking for 'LTB' quite yet, just genuine comments about what is normal and healthy please.

• Grumpy often when gets in from work. Puts TV or video game on and plays for hours. Barely speaks.
• Doesn't drink often but when he does he binge drinks, forgets to tell me when he is coming home, will order takeaways to the house at 2am despite me having ill mum and not wanting to disturb her.
• If in a sulk can ignore me for days or give one word answers.
• Doesn't talk much/doesn't see why it matters.
• Can be grumpy when we do go out.

He has done lovely things like leave love notes in my bag, buy me gifts, very cuddly, but the other issues drag on my heart...

Surely couples are supposed to sit and eat dinner together, chat, go out and have a laugh...

I feel my perspective of relationships is all off and I don't even know any more.

As background, am also dealing with lots of stress, terminally ill mother amongst other things - this effects us both, but some of the issues were around before this anyway.

You really need to ask?

Honestly, yes. As I wrote, I don't have a healthy perspective of what is normal. I feel a lot of women tolerate bad relationships so in that sense I feel normal. Also he is not unfaithful, violent, no porn addiction etc, so I accept the grumpiness as my 'bad lot.'

Sounds like living with a teen dc. Unless you are happy with that he needs to go.
You deserve so much more op.

This sounds much too complicated to unpick in a single forum post.

You're living with your mum? How long has that been for? Is your dh finding that difficult? Are you caring for her, struggling with her health?

Do you think if you just lived in your own place together, the drinking would improve or get worse?

Is he very miserable in his job? What are the prospects for both of you - what are you future plans?

TBH I think you should see a therapist, either together or alone. selling a few computer games would probably fund a couple of sessions - just saying.... or try Relate maybe?

Doesn't sound normal to me, as it doesn't seem as though he invests any time with you

None of that is healthy. But it is sadly normal for many relationships. Unfortunately many women would rather put up with a bad relationship than be single.

Being with him sounds more lonely than being alone.

OP, just ask yourself one question:

Does he make you feel happy?

Not at one given moment, but a generally consistent feeling of joy and uplift?

If not, then it's not a healthy relationship and you should be apart and live your lives independently.

Breakawaygirl

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
What sort of an example did your parents show you?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Why is your relationship bar so very low here that it is practically non existent?.

Why have you not ever had an emotionally healthy or normal relationship?.

All this man seems to do is buy your affections with gifts and the occasional note in your bag; these are but the barest of bare minimums in a relationship.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied with him.
The fact that you write this as well shows me just how low your relationship bar is here:-
"Also he is not unfaithful, violent, no porn addiction etc, so I accept the grumpiness as my 'bad lot."

It makes you seem like you are grateful for him not being like this but accept grumpy instead. The bloke hit paydirt when he met you didn't he; he saw you coming a mile off and honed in on you accordingly. And teen dc do not necessarily act like this at all, emotionally abusive men do. Do you take responsibility for his sulking behaviours?. You do realise that this is all part of his emotional abuse towards you don't you?

What support are you getting re your mother?.

I would now go to a therapist on your own and start the long and arduous process of unpicking all this from the very beginning. I doubt very much he would actually see a therapist and infact you should not be seeing such a person with him present. Couples therapy is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.