Want to have an affair (but won't)

[SunshineSanctuaryForSickDragon]

Long time lurker, first post. The title is a lot more inflammatory than the actual situation. If someone could give me some perspective, or advice, I would be very grateful.

My husband and I have been married for a year, together for 5. I got pregnant within a month of tying the knot, our daughter is almost 4 months old. I went through (or still am), going through the baby blues.

I feel like an extension of my daughter. I feel as if my existence is dependent on hers, and that is how everyone else, especially my husband, sees me.

This is where the affair comes in. There is no 'candidate', no one else, yet I find myself fantasising about someone that doesn't know I have a daughter. Someone that sees me as a woman, and not only as a mother. I have dreams about it. About sleeping and being with other men. I wake up exhilarated.

My husband is lovely. I won't actually have an affair. I've tried explaining to him how I feel but he doesn't understand. I'm not sure how to stop this resentment towards him that's slowly building up.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you deal with this? I don't really have friends or family I can confidentially talk to about this, our lives are so entertwined I would hate to hurt him by hearing about this from someone else.

Sorry for the long post - didn't want to drip feed.

Ugh sorry there were paragraphs but the app removed them!

You are still in the early stages of having a baby where the baby is really reliant on you. I will say that when you have your first, you go through alsorts of emotions that you'd never think you'd have. It will change every few months too. One day you feel like you want to be that woman and then the next you feel like your baby completes you and you have no need for anyone at all.

Just ignore the thoughts or change your mind/keep yourself busy with other thoughts when it comes to mind. Do you need more hugs etc from your husband? In the busy life of raising a baby sometimes men take a step back. I can say to you that these thoughts do settle down once your baby learns to walk but don't underestimate hormones of the first year of the first child.

I totally get this. I was having dreams about an ex a few months after giving birth. It wasn't me wanting HIM it was me yearning for a time when I was ME not mum , less responsibility etc.

Being a mum is overwhelming and after a few months it feels like you are just there to keep the baby alive but honestly it gets better. Your baby will get more independent, you'll start to feel human again and like you and not just MUM. It was about 18 months on when i realised I was feeling a lot better about me and my husband and myself. You just need patience. Plus something that's just for you helps! Can be anything. A hobby, a night out, etc. Xxxx

New baby is all consuming and needs you so constantly, it’s draining.
Yet all the images we get as mother/baby’hood is this idyllic love and smiles. It’s not the reality.

It will get better as the baby gets a little bigger. And as you are able to leave them with other people and carve out you-time.
It’s very very important - or the feeling of having lost yourself will continue and make you more unhappy.
Also - eventually the baby will become more ‘interactive’ - and it won’t be as one-way type of emotional/physical relationship.

Just hang on, it will get better!!!!

(And keep a watch over the baby blues - in case they are actually a PND)

I used to have a fantasy of getting a job in Australia and just leaving one day, starting again, new life, new choices. I had bad PND. It's not uncommon at all, but it's the hormones coupled with the panic, talking. It will pass.

Hi op, this to me sounds like more than the baby blues. ...you are making this all about the potential affair but it's the escapism and the new man not knowing your daughter exists that really jumps out to me from your first post. A close friend of mine had post natal depression which turned into postpartum psychosis. Everyone thought she was just down and a overwhelmed, but when I met up with her one day and I was a bit late, she was chatting to someone she had bumped into about her daughter, except i overheard her saying ' oh no, she's not mine, I can't have kids...she's my friends'. I talked to her about it,, she admitted having left her daughter in shops and then feeling guilty because of what people would think ( not the love she shouldve been ferling for her dd) so she only lefy her temporarily, always went back.
So, met up with her and her hubby and we got her to see it wasn't her talking, she needed help. It didn't happen overnight but she got better, she bonded with her d's properly and has s 2nd dd now and was under medical supervision that time with only antidepressants needed and she escaped pps that time. Her daughter's are now 20 and 18 and my friend is a warrior mum, the best ever.

It can be sorted, please see your gp and ask about pnd or pps, don't leave it thinking ' it's just you or nornal' it isn't and life could be so so much easier.

Thank you so much for the replies. I think I may need to make an appointment with our GP. Thank you for putting a different perspective on it. Seeing it described as esapism and then acknowledging the rising sense of panic I've had the past 2 months means it's probably not just the baby blues. Thanks again xx

Take a night off, get a babysitter and go out the two of you, buy a new dress and some lingerie and go paint the town...Together.

When he sees the other men noticing you, and how good you look that fucker will remember exactly who you are!

Cue fireworks.

Your baby is still little - just 4 months old - and still needs loads of attention. It can take a long time to adjust to being a mum. Can you and try and make a bit of time to do some of the things you used to enjoy - to find you again. Meet up with some friends, go for a coffee or ideally have some time with DH. Even a few hours can make a big difference.

Getting dressed up would involve changing out of my pj's! We have a few weddings of friends coming up and DD will be looked after by MIL for the night, so that would give me and DH some much needed "grown up" time. I don't think anyone can ever really prepare you for parenthood. I expected it to be hard but not quite so overwhelming. It's still worth it, DD is amazing.

Thank you for the good advice x

My advice is don't! Being a mom and feeling the way you do can put a lot of stupid ideas on your mind, but please don't act on them or you will find yourself in a worse place later (trust me, I'm on it). What you think can be flattering or just a boost to your self steem can destroy you.
I hope you get better with the baby blues. it's hard to be a mom! stay strong.
Love

Some amazing advice on here, I had this but it hit me when ds was about 7 months old with hindsight it was depression, but I booked a long haul trip alone to go and meet friends and went on a week long party.

It was total escape, I didn't miss ds or DH one tiny bit until day 5 of being out and then I knew where I belonged back home, and I felt awful.

It was amazing being myself, having fun, living like a single person and flirting on nights out, but I wish my DH had sat me down and asked what was wrong and why I felt the need to do this!

Maybe as suggested not so dramatic as this, but book a few nice evenings and really nurture yourself as a person. Look after yourself

its so weird I felt like that at around the same age as your DD. it was part of PND for me. I didn't end up having an affair although i had a few crushes.

to add, I was breastfeeding,no family around or any practical help or support and the dad was working full time. I felt like a cow. my body was not mine. unattractive, tired. men stopped noticing me. I became one blob with the pram. people referred to me as MUM. if the baby was crying or i was breast feeding or shopping or whatever i always felt watched and judged, taking too much space, too much noise, too much whatever. i , as i knew myself, became invisible yet everytime I looked in the mirror my flaws and imperfections jumped at me.

I felt similar when I had PND after my 4th child. I fantasised about backpacking around the world all on my own, where I met a variety of interesting people who called me Lou and not Mummy. Fortunately my HV recognised the signs and I got medication and therapy. What also helped enormously was going back to work part-time, where most people had only ever known me as Lou, and we could have grown-up conversations that didn't involve the best price for disposable nappies and whether shop-bought baby food was just as good as home-made, and whether Gymboree and Waterbaby classes were actually necessary for a 4 month old baby.

Oh wow thank you for the messages. It makes a massive difference knowing I'm not "broken" and other people have been through the same thing. I wonder how many mums struggle alone, feeling like there's something wrong with them.

I took the whole day off Saturday. Expressed some milk, left DD with hubby and spent the day shopping for bridesmaid dresses with younger friends with no kids. I feel so refreshed.