Advice please. Suspicion of child emotional abuse by stepmother.

[Muminthejungle]

I’m concerned I’m hesitating in acting upon strong signs that my 12 yo son is being emotionally abused by his stepmother and that this is damaging his emotional and physical health. (Apologies for long thread below!)
I’ve been divorced for over 9 years with a shared care agreement (55% mum/ 45% dad). Dad remarried 7 years ago and now has a 5 yo son and 1 yo baby girl. Relationship with dad and stepmum was diplomatic up until Feb 2018, there were arguments but also 'friendly' moments.
In Jan 2018, I agreed with my son’s dad and stepmum to take 1 month off to spend time with my father who lives abroad and needed support after my mum passed away. (I was made redundant at work so had some time off work for the 1st time in 8 years!)
On my return, my son’s behaviour seemed fidgety, he was tearful and unsettled. Slowly, as weeks went by, he started telling me about how terrible he felt during the month I was away. My son has SEN and his speech can be quite confusing, mainly when he’s stressed or emotional so I thought he meant he missed me. However he kept having flash backs and emotional breakdowns remembering how he felt when I was away, which eventually culminated in him asking to phone NSPCC (he found out about it at school assembly) to report abuse by his stepmother.
His dad and SM denied any wrong doing, blaming on me for being too soft on him and believing on everything he says.
So I hired a child psychologist to have 1:1 sessions with him at school for 6 weeks. At the end of this period, Counsellor said he was upset about divorce and confused about living in two houses.
I took her feedback on board and left it aside.
At my son's last Y6 primary school meeting, his teacher mentioned that he often was unsettled and felt upset in the morning about his troubles at home but I thought this related to my usual morning nagging him to get ready for school (and not necessarily issues at his dad's as this had been dealt by Counsellor, i thought!.)
My son moved to new secondary school last September and started asking not to go to his dad’s house, using as excuse the distance from there to school (not that far although public transport is terrible in the morning) & weight of school books he has to carry.
His dad has been livid with me, insisting I’m manipulating our son and gives me no room to discuss any concerns I have.
I decided to go back into Counselling but this time seek support from a family therapist.
My son and I met her once and she said she cannot take this further without meeting dad, which he agreed to. I felt encouraged by this but got very worried again this week after meeting with new secondary school’s child psychologist who reported my son’s alarming, frequent and consistent comments about his parents and stepmother at over 8 weeks of 1:1 sessions. School also wrote on his school report they are concerned this is affecting his development.
I reassured school we will have 1st Counselling session with dad this week (dad was at meeting but said nothing, just emailed me saying he is not paying for it!).
Am I being irresponsible by not taking action immediately? Isn't this enough evidence that something is not right? What are my alternatives? Should I see what happens after family therapy (it could take months and will cost a fortune) or seek help from social services?
I don’t want to undermine my son’s relationship with his dad or get into any more arguments, but I’m really concerned that SM has no intention to stop abusing my son and his dad won’t do anything to stop her either.

You say you don’t want to undermine his relationship with his dad, but this can’t be 100% stepmum. At the very least, he is allowing his child to be subject to this which makes him equally responsible.

If he refuses to discuss his clearly troubled son’s worries and refuses to listen to the fact his son is asking not to go to his house, I would be stopping contact until he is willing to work together to resolve this. Your son is old enough to understand and be part of that decision - listen to him, he is saying he doesn’t want to go and the impact is so huge on him it’s being picked up at school.

Also, sorry if I’ve missed it but how do you know it is only and specifically the step mum involved?

Thanks Silverdoe. You are very right.
I guess I don’t know it’s only the stepmum, dad is certainly also to blame.
I take the lead from my son as he’s the one who tells me about these things.
He has been protective of his dad most of the time but even this is starting to change as he gets more mature and sees things through different lenses.
It’s tricky because with my son I can only listen to what he says when he wants to talk, the moment I ask a question, he either shuts up or changes subject. It’s hard to get the full picture!

It sounds really hard

I would really consider if it’s possible for you, reducing contact for now with his DF. If it’s got to the point where school are saying it has affected his development, then you’re definitely not over reacting.

To be honest I would be reaching out to as many agencies as possible for support with this as it does sound like your poor son needs help navigating this situation and getting to the bottom of what’s going on. Has your sons counsellor told you what he’s saying about his dad and stepmum? Could it be a misperception by your son (e.g different house rules that he struggles to adjust to that makes him anxious)?

What has the stepmum done?

Thanks Silverdoe. I did originally think my son was overacting but considering he knows and stays with his step mum and dad since he was 5 years old, we should be well beyond this stage. I think that because his development is delayed, it’s only now that he’s perceiving things better.
@Almutasakien, I listed below a list of frequent complaints from my son, often in among tears of deep pain (very hard to deal with):

• frequently shouting at him even if he hasn’t done anything wrong. Often expects him to do things like house chores without telling him before hand or which he can’t do. However when he wants to help with little sister for example, she treats him as he was a freak or irresponsible.
• refuse to accept his SEN diagnosis from many years ago and frequently says to my son ‘I don’t care that you are xxx’
• He says often she often gets so angry that she talks to him as if he was an adult
• she often calls him a liar and has texted my before to apologize for calling him ‘little shit’ (at the friendly times)
• ignores him or leaves him out of things - every weekend she arranges play dates and events for his little brother which my son is forced to take part. He resents the fact that none of these plans have his needs in mind.
• makes him feel like he doesn’t belong. She restricts my son’s Tv viewing at their house (which is great but it’s his dad and half brother who are tv addicted), limiting to what they call family time. On one occasion when it was his turn to choose a film, the entire family walked away from living room after 5 min living him alone
• talks badly about him to strangers in front of him. He recently caught her saying bad things about him on the phone, just after their relationship picked up. He was devastated. I encouraged him to talk to his dad, but his dad simply answered the call and passed phone to her. When call was finished, he said she was fake and a liar.
• is aggressive and talks badly about me in front of him and to him constantly (they call me a nutter). An example of this is they invited him out for a pizza for Xmas. She brought a friend and her kid (his half brother friend who coincidently bit and beat my son on another play date). She spent entire evening saying bad things about me to this other mum in front my son. She said she had no presents for him because he didn’t spend time with her and she was going to shop for presents with him. Then after meal his dad walked him home and said to my son to forget his stepmum comments but that he is terrible at school and his handwriting is poor - he’s said this to a kid with SEN on his ‘Xmas meal’!
• undermines my son in front of him to his school Senco at a meeting she was not invited to.

I'd be tempted to speak to social services to be honest as its sounds like he is deeply traumatised by this. He is 12yo and around this age is when they take into account the childs perspective on where they want to be. If he wants to be with you full time, I don't think the courts can make him go to be with his dad. What does your ex say about this? Isn't he concerned about his own child? You will not be undermining their relationship but protecting your son and showing him that you understand his fears and you are there to protect him.

Your poor son. I have SN child of 12 too with developmental delay and so I know exactly what you mean when you say you think he has only just realised what is happening to him. It takes the penny longer to drop. If a school counsellor has told you he frequently is upset by sm and seeing the things she is saying to him she is emotionally abusive of him and shame on his dd for allowing his child to be abused by the evil sounding sm. It sounds as if she has no emotional connection to him and does not love him and your xh is just doing anything not to upset her. I would ask your son if he wanted to stay with hid dd or would he prefer his dd to take him out somewhere alone without sm. Then if he prefers the latter i would tell xh that is only way he will be seeing his son until after family therapy. I would also be asking school counsellor if they would write a letter outlining concerns for new family therapist which they may well do providing your ds agrees. Be strong and protect your son as his dd sure as hell is not. Is sm resentful of time her dh has with ds?

I think you need to get advice and to consider changing the balance of care between you and his father. At 12 his opinions and feelings should be taken into account (moving towards him having control over contact with his father when he is older). I would probably pay for legal advice and contact SS.
With all of the documents and concerns of the school you have plenty of evidence. To be honest I am surprised that none of the therapists or the school have reported this to SS yet themselves (in fact they may have but its not been actioned).

I also suspect that the comments about you could amount to parential alienation.

Is that a court order or a private arrangement? My understanding is that if it's the latter, you can stop or reduce contact - if the father is unhappy, he can go to court. If it's under a court order, you should take it to court yourself as a matter of urgency.

It seems that you have got quite a lot of evidence to substantiate your concerns and to show that you have tried to give your ex the opportunity to tackle these issues. Obviously as an outsider I don't the truth of what's happening, but it really sounds that you haven't been quick to make assumptions about there being problems, but you haven't been passive either. It sounds like you've been very conscientious about trying to do things fairly, and that will come across in court.

It always takes a while to join the dots. But you have now joined the dots and are acting on it. Sadly lots of people dont get that far.

Could you get him to draw or write down what happens at his dads?

I have experienced the almost identical scenario as you describe. My son developed IBS which flared up in the days leading up to contact with his father and school noticed that he was distracted and tearful on the Fridays when his father was due to pick him up. Eventually ( when he was 12) he refused point blank to go to his father's house. He wouldn't reveal much detail to me but just said he hated it there. I told his father - who responded by immediately taking me to Court ( we had a contact order in place which I was breaching). In fact this turned out to be the best thing possible as CAFCASS became involved and were very adept and finding out exactly what had been going on at his father's house. It was various incidents such as you describe, together with other things, such as not allowing my son to go to the toilet at night (even if he was desperate) causing him to wet the bed, then shouting at him about that. They also villified me saying that I was a danger to him, crazy etc. I say 'they' but in fact mostly it was my son's stepmother (with my son's father just passively standing back and letting her do as she wished). Ultimately CAFCASS advised that contact should not be enforced due to the history of emotional abuse. They also dismissed all the accusations of parental alienation which had been levelled at me. My son has blossomed since and has had no contact whatsoever with his father for nearly three years. He is happy, confident and doing well at school. I would advise you to maybe flag up your concerns with your GP and the school and get their views on a social services referral in the first instance. But don't just let it drag on - I left it nearly a year and bitterly regret that. I thought the Court would not believe me (my son's father is extremely articulate and persuasive) but they were excellent.

I should add that I also had a good experience with social workers and the court agreeing that contact should be reduced on the basis of emotional abuse. A lot of weight was put on the fact that the school had independently reported concerns to SS.

can he keep a diary of things that happen on the dates they happen

Thank you so much @bibliomania. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone even if I would rather this never happened to anyone. Your point about his dad being highly articulate is one of my fears.
They pose as the perfect family, both work in publishing and are ex-teachers. (Scary to think of this actually!)
I will reach out to school. I think they were on the edge of doing something about it.
My son finds difficult to make a decision not to see them as he gets so much emotional blackmailing from his stepmum saying he is hurting his dad and his little brother misses him. My son would love to have a bigger family around him, they have everything on their side to make this work except for a very wrong attitude!
@nettletea my son is dyslexic and on ASD spectrum. He’s not great at keeping written records and would fear getting caught too. It’s a difficult situation for him to have to recognize that he’s being harmed emotionally by the people who should be protecting him. It takes a lot to get there.

poor little lad. My ASD son is the same age and it is often difficult to differentiate between his perception of being deliberately targetted, and where it really is. He would also most likely whip out a little black book in front of the perpetrator and write in it immediately, which really wouldnt help the situation at all.

The fact that you definately have the school onside, and that they can relate directly to times spent with his father, is extremely helpful, as are the sessions he has been having

when the time is split previously I am assuming it was a routine, which got changed quite alot when you were away. If he feels safer with you it may be that he is aware enough of when his behaviour may be tricky and holds it in at his dads, but during the long period he wasnt able to do so, hence step mum losing it with him, and subsequently holding it against him.

I also understand his need for fairness - this comes across really clearly in his list and is really specific to boys with ASD. Is dad on board with the diagnosis - was it done through the NHS? Has dad had any training to do with parenting with ASD and the differences to parenting a NT child? having to go to playdates that focus on the other kids sounds like the kind of moans that my son would come out with - he would most likely let his feelings known and it would be very annoying - they are alot less able to 'suck it up' than other kids. My son also completely goes to pieces if voices are raised, he cannot cope and it is not the way to get him to understand anything as his brain just completely shuts down in panic.

Going forwards I would speak to school and your son, ask what he would like to do if not pressurised by emotional blackmail

Have you spoken to the stepmum? Do you think you could? Could the school?

also being a teacher is no claim to parenting perfection, nor neccesarily teaching perfection. My son was literally traumatised and needed support from CAMHs after a year with a teacher who had no understanding of his character and was very shouty. He regressed badly in that school year only to move up 5 grades in less than a year with the following teacher who really got him.

Your son has had to see a psychologist who has had real concerns as have the school. Now is the time to get this access arrangement reviewed as it is clearly not in your child's best interests. I would point out to your ex that if he had your sons best interests at heart then he would respect what he is saying and that he doesn't want to stay there anymore, after all this is about your sons feelings not his Dads and a good parent would recognise that.
I think you are well within your rights to just say no, he is not going there for the time being. Ex is welcome to have contact away from ex wife but you are standing up for and protecting your son. I'd be inclined to speak to the school and speak to your GP about safe guarding and involvement of social services.
Ex and step mum can protest all they want but stand firm and be an advocate for your poor unhappy little boy. He is looking to you to keep him safe. Be strong and involve as many outside agencies as you can.

I can't take credit for Bathsheba's great post, but it sounds like we've had similar experiences (although my dd is NT, so I think Nettle's ASD-specific points are really helpful).

Can you suggest your ex sees his son without his wife being present ?

@Nettletea you’ve got it. Your son sounds very similar to mine.
Dad and stepmum 100% refuse to accept ASD diagnosis by the NHS from 2 years ago.
I have given them many books about ASD, about transition into secondary school for ASD kids, shared articles etc but they refuse to take it in.
I don’t think I can talk to stepmum. We used to talk or text all the time to organize my son’s logistics until she decided to come into a meeting at his new secondary school uninvited. Meeting was about a school incident which she didn’t know the facts or tried to. Her main contribution was to slag my son off in front of him, his teacher and Sencowhich didn’t go unnoticed by the school.
Very embarrassing.

@Northernparent68 I think it will have to come to this, but first I need to stop my son from going to their house full stop.

Can you speak to your son and ask if he wants to see dad/stepmum? He’s of the age where court will take his requests seriously.

Muminthejungle did you ever get resolution / help in your situation? I ask because I am in much the same place as you were in '21 and knowing what you did about it would be so helpful!