I haven't met his teenager after 3 years

[Nousernameforluvnormoney]

I've read posts similar to this on forums before but would still like some thoughts please!
Began dating my partner 3 years ago. We both have jobs and see each other only at weekends, where he interacts with my children every other week when they're home and not with their dad. He's always maintained that his son has stayed with him since his split 12 years ago when the boy was 2, from midweek until saturday evening, when he takes him home. However, he said from early on that the lad was never a sociable teenager and wouldnt be expected to meet me.
Fine in the early days but now he says his son is nearly 17, at college and attends a rail volunteers centre every saturday. So he is clearly overcoming any problems he had socialising before.
Friends say alarm bells should be ringing and i am baffled. When his son texts for a lift, often after a train journey on a sunday, it is sometimes more convenient if we picked him up in the car together if we're out, but no. I get dropped off and then he goes to pick him up.

Could he still be in a relationship with the child's mother ?

Either that or he just doesn't see a future with you

It's hard to say. Perhaps he just wants to keep his relationship with you separate from his son.

Have you checked his social media? Have you ever talked about living together?

If you got together when his ds was 14 maybe he himself said he didn't want to meet you? (My teenager avoids spending time with adults as much as possible, much preferring friends their own age). He has his own voice and opinions.
Maybe there were other girlfriends before you and his ds got fed up of being introduced to different girlfriends?
Maybe he is very socially awkward and his dad doesn't want to stress him out? ( I wouldn't however use his sons sunday club as an example your partner is lying though, if you have a painfully shy kid but they are interested in something, as a parent you go out of your way to encourage that surely).

As pp suggested maybe your partner is happy in your relationship as it is and sees no need for you to meet.

Have you asked your partner recently?

Maybe it is just easier to keep you separate.

Still married?

I don’t think it’s a big deal actually. This is a teenager, they’re a law unto themselves for stuff like this. I have a 15 year old who sounds very similar to this one - not keen on socialising, into railways/train stuff, has no interest whatsoever in meeting or even thinking about who his Dad might be seeing.

i think it is a bit strange that he goes out of his way to drop you off before picking up his son.

Have you ever met any of his family members in 3 years?

I don't think this is anything to worry about he just doesn't want you to meet his son.
You don't live together and he is nearly an adult so I don't see how this really impacts you.
I think a lot of relationships would benefit from not involving the kids.
I have a 24 yo son who is still v much part of my life. I have no intention of introducing him to any partner I may have in the future.

Does his son know about you? I get that he doesn't want the whole playing happy families etc but I think after 3 years you should have meet even briefly. The lift home before you collect him is strange

I think it's a bit odd that your paths have never crossed in 3 years. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who kept such a large part of themselves hidden from me for so long. I would wonder what else they are hiding.

Are you known as his GF among his friends and family?

I have no intention of introducing him to any partner I may have in the future.

I’m guessing that you are only looking for fairly casual boyfriends then (which is completely fine, obviously). Because I cannot see how you could build a life with someone who won’t let you meet their kids or who you won’t let meet yours.

Personally, after 3 years I’d want to be much more part of a partner’s life. In fact, I’d want to be building a life with him, together, or I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him.

OP: I do think it’s very odd that your partner spends time with your son but keeps his own entirely separate. I can totally understand why you’re upset about that. It must feel like you’re being hidden away.

I agree that the questions about whether you have met his family and friends (as his partner) are likely to be very pertinent.

Have you ever been to his home op?

I think you should’ve been at least introduced in three years particularly as he spends time with your children. Does he see it as a serious relationship that is going somewhere? If it’s not serious he shouldn’t be spending time with your children.

That’s odd. What’s odd to me is that he clearly knows your dc quite well yet is going out of his way to keep you and his ds from meeting. That’s quite a difference. When you mention it what does he say?

I’ve been with my DP for three years. His dc are really quite shy (also teens) but even with them we have met lots and have a nice rapport and get on well. It would seem quite odd if I hadn’t met them and I would wonder whether a) he was serious about the relationship or b) he had other stuff to hide

Relationships after divorce can make life seem sort of compartmentalised with kids and adults splitting time between different houses. But this seems extreme. Have you met other members of his family/his friends?

Maybe he's never mentioned you to his son and after all this time it'd be awkward for your boyfriend. Ask him!

I'm not opposed to a serious relationship no. I just don't see why that has to involve my son. If he was little and lived with me fine but he isn't and doesn't.
My relationships are just that they don't have to involve my son or mixedther part of my life.

Not sociable and into trains. Could he be on the autistic spectrum? Maybe even quite severely? My son is severely autistic and wouldn’t interact with anyone other than immediate family and even that isn’t often. Also he likes set routines and dislikes change. Although it would be odd for your dp not to mention it if this was the reason.

Northernglam - thank you for your comments. Funnily enough I have often wondered if the lad is on the spectrum as some of the behaviours his dad describes are characteristic of it. But I would be very upset if he was keeping this from me as I am a fully experienced Special Needs Teaching Assistant

Thank you for your comments. You're right, as i've actually wondered if there's something in his past that he doesnt want the boy telling me??

Yes, the thought has occurred to me too. But if this is the case then he's lying to his son in texts when we're out for a meal and the lad texts asking for a lift. He will often tell him to wait in the station for an hour while he drops me home, even though it would be 20 mins of i stayed in the car. Also i've bought presents for him to give to his son off me. So surely he wouldnt take them and not pass them on?

Yes exactly Chunkymonkey. It's stacked in his favour. His child wont have to be upset when we go separate ways Mine will

Thank you Crustaceans. I am very upset by it all. This is the only guy i've rated as a decent partner in 9 yrs of being single and afterall we're all looking for a happier future and someone to depend on, so i do wonder why he's wasting my time and his own. If he thought anything much of me, surely he'd want his son to meet me? We had a minor falling out in the 1st year and i told him to find someone suitable because I wouldnt consider a baby with him. Why would i when his own son doesnt have to. Meet me?

That doesn’t sound like a minor disagreement, OP.

When did the issue of his ds last get discussed? Did it not crop up at a Christmas?

Most importantly.... what does your gut say?

My dd never met their father's gf and ds met her once. That was in ten years
They just didn't want to. There's no real reason why your bfs son
Should wish to meet you