Need advice re finally going NC with mother please

[Thisisthelaststraw]

This will likely ramble but I’ll try not. Apologies in advance.

I’ve posted on here before about my mother. She is a narcissist, no doubt. I’ve been on the stately homes thread and hoping some of those posters will see this.

Without going into all the incidents, there are many, my mother has hurt me beyond repair tonight. He decision to never speak to me again has been threatened countless times over the years and again tonight. I’ve had enough. I don’t feel like she loves me. She says the most hurtful, cruel and vicious things. She rants and screams like a banshee and the next words are calmer, calculated, childish and full of venom.

I’ve blocked her on my phone which I’ve done once before when I planned NC but was persuaded by my aunt (who raised me mostly) to “forgive and forget”. My dd (18) has also blocked her as she has in the past and would most likely turn on her next.

She will use said aunt who is very religious, kind-hearted and is the peace-keeper of the family to try to manipulate me. I’ve already decided I won’t let it happen again but I know even if it’s months down the road she will try to get a grip on me again. I’m done. I don’t want that. I want NC but .... I love her and don’t know how to be strong and move on with confidence that this is the right choice for me. Will it always hurt. Is this the pain of NC?

I can hardly breathe thinking about it. I’m so f**king hurt and scarred by her. I would never allow another human being do to me what she has done but I feel somehow attached and I don’t know how to break it without living in a constant state of grieving and pain.

Just encouraging words or something would really help.

Anyone?

Should I repost in stately homes thread? Just didn’t think there’d be anyone there this late.

Sorry I don't have any advice OP - just a handhold and . As an outsider it feels that it absolutely has to be better to get this hurt and toxicity out of your life forever. She's not going to change and the pain she causes you while in your life must surely be worse (because it's constantly renewed) that the pain of NC. Do hope you are able to do this.

I havent spoken to my mum in 2 years, my dad sometimes trys to encourage it but I simply ask him not to talk to me about her, maybe ask that?

Go to your GP and explain everything and get something for the grief and anxiety you’re experiencing. It is very very real, and a prescription can help take the edge off and give clarity.

I have a turbulent relationship with my mother too. I love her and to be honest probably could not do what you are planning to do unless she hurt my child etc. However I do think that there becomes a point when you have to decide if you can have a positive relationship with her and if not then walk away. My mum is a functioning alcoholic I have tried many times to help her but I am unable to so I have kept her at arms length we see each other regularly however I don't trust her. I have set boundaries that after years she has come to accept. There is behaviour I will accept and some I won't and if she has done something I don't agree with I distance myself and she has to come to me to apologise the longest we have not spoken was 6 months but it was something I just couldn't accept and was a deal breaker for me. She apologised and we moved on. Parental relationship is very difficult but with every relationship you are treated the way you will accept. And I always think if it's not a positive relationship and you don't think it can be then walk away as I fear I may have to do at some point.

That sounds awful OP, I feel for you. My mother is horrendously narcissistic but yours sounds pretty bad all the same. It's like she doesn't know how not to hurt you, and that's a pretty awful thing for a mother.

You need to look after yourself. Your aunt is basically a "flying monkey" (Google it) who is trying to repair things without understanding what is going on.

Also you could order "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, it's available quite cheap for Kindle, and if you don't have a Kindle you can download the app for your phone.

Any chance you could get yourself some counselling?

If you have any strongly positive reasons for not going completely "no contact", you could go (very) low contact, using the grey rock technique where you don't engage in any meaningful conversation, you keep it to the weather etc., you never talk about how you're feeling or anything you think she'll dredge up against you at a later stage. In short, you're there, but talking to you will bore her out of her mind so she'll start to avoid you.

Just to reiterate about looking after yourself - if you don't put yourself first, who else is going to do it for you?

Maybe post a link on the Stately Homes thread so people there can see this?
Good luck.

I've been where you are, I went NC with my dad a year ago. I was in such pain with the way he treated me but so guilty and devastated too. I'm off to bed now but I just wanted to say that I feel so much better a year on. I didn't think the pain would ease but in time it does. Just ride it through.

It sounds cheesy but look after your inner child.

Some practical advice.

If she usually stops talking and expects you to come back begging then perfect. You are in control of when to go back. In this case- you drop the rope and stop playing.

If she won’t call you, but sends in her flying monkeys then you have to have a single line which you repeat over and over. ‘Thank you for your concern. But this has nothing to do with you and I am sorry she has brought you into it. I do not wish to discuss it but would love to hear all about X. if you can’t respect that, let’s hang up and talk later’.

If they try say ‘ I have said all I am going to say. Let’s talk later. Bye.’

Then if you talk again and they start ‘ we have had this conversation, nothing has changed. Shall we talk about Y or shall we hang up and try again later?’

If you mother is going to call you or come around, block or change number. As for coming around, a cheap camera by the door will give you a heads up so you don’t answer. If she has a key, change the locks.

This does get better. Trust me. You will always have a sadness that occasionally pops up, but that is more to do with the fact your mother is not the mother you deserve. It’s unfair and shit, and it’s ok to mourn that.

But your life will now lack a huge source of stress, anxiety, self doubt and depression. That far outweighs her presence in your life.

I'm 35 years into no contact with my mother and have only come across her three times since at family events. She was highly abusive towards me during the first 18 years of my life and I cut her out when I was 18 when she left my Dad and I do not regret it one bit. My dad and various other family members tried to change my mind over the years as she labelled me a liar and they didn't/couldn't believe that I'd been abused at all but after 25 years they gave up. My DB (who wasn't abused) fully supports my decision and at the three events gave 'mother' strict instructions not to approach me but every time she has done so. The last time was at my dad's funeral 8 years ago and she was headed off by an uncle on my dad's side. She just can't help herself and her needs and desires always come first.

Thankfully she doesn't contact me and she doesn't know my address and my DB would never give it to her. I do not feel guilty as she can not accept that her behaviour is the cause of the NC situation and she chooses to lie. The only thing that I feel slightly guilty about is that my DC's have 'lost ' 25% of their family and on top of that my dad wasn't a great parent and grandparent either so they have dipped out a bit but they do understand why.

I find that other people's reactions are the hardest to deal with. I have been labelled as unnatural by those who can not imagine what I endured as a child. Yes, she may now be an old woman but to me she is as toxic as she ever was. When she eventually reaches the end, I know that she will ask for me and I have already decided that I will say no. There is nothing that she could say that would make me feel any love, compassion or warmth towards her. Nothing that she would say would make any difference to the way I feel.

I think that we are conditioned to have our parents in our lives regardless of their behaviour and that we 'owe' them our time and respect because they created us and it is very difficult to set this obligation aside - it is one of those family taboos that people find tricky to break. It does get easier and it does get easier to fend off the flying monkeys. Just remember that 'no' is a complete sentence.

mypet your DB sounds brilliant.

Thisis, everyone is different but in my experience, walking away from a parent always hurts hugely and it never entirely heals but you learn to live with it.

When I got to that point, and it really hurt, the pain of having them in my life was worse than the pain of not having them in my life.

It is shit either way, there are no completely happy endings, but I think of it as just having a massive piece of bad luck having them in my life. Regretfully, I do have to say life is much better without them. I wish profoundly that things were different but they are what they are.

Hi everyone, sorry for the delay in replying. Today was rough to say the least.

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry though encouraged to read your individual stories.

My emotions are all over the place. I’ve spoken to my brother who has also been written off by my mother and though my heart breaks for him I’m kind of glad it’s the two of us as it makes each of us feel less guilty if that makes sense. Like, we couldn’t both be wrong kind of thing? I don’t know.

I can’t seem to articulate how I feel. I have so much I want to talk about but it’s like my mind is racing and my heart is broken and my mouth is too slow to say how I actually feel. I think realising this has in turn made me realise I need counselling. I’ve always avoided it because when it came to talking about my mother I clammed up never wanting to speak badly about her. I think it’s time.

I’ve already spoken to my aunt who, in fairness to her, didn’t push me to make amends. She did the usual excuse making for my mother “the victim of all bad things in the world” and asked that I be kind to her as she “hasn’t had many breaks in life”.

That’s what kills me. This aunt is such a good person. A heart of gold and my mother has played her like a fiddle for as long as I can remember. She doesn’t see what my brother and I see because my mother puts on her different face when talking to her. She acts the poor, defenceless, hard-done-by, broke victim. She bleeds her dry of her money and energy and even when she knows she’s broke (her husband is in hospital very ill) she still takes her money. I can’t stop it and I hate that but I have to let it go or I’ll go insane.

I’m rambling now. That just flowed out. Anyway, I’m going to organise counselling and I’m ordering the book recommended by Susan forward.

Thank you so much replying to me. I needed to know it could be done and in a way I just needed to know I wasn’t mad. I’ve always had a way of excusing her behaviour and thinking I was blowing everything out of proportion. I now know she made me this way. She needed me to be this way. I don’t know how I can love her and dislike her at the same time. Shit, I’m rambling again. Sorry.

Just know that I’m grateful. Truly.

When you look for a councillor, ask what there experience is with toxic parents and how they feel about NC.

Many councillors, along with the general public, just don't get it and will try to get you to remain in contact.

I know how you feel. There is no love left for me now. I am close to indifference. But that will no doubt change when I am next required to be around her at a family function. Luckily that is few and far between and the family understands, repects and enables my NC.

I’m sorry you are going through this. The wonderful Sali Hughes has a Facebook group for non contact with narcissistic family members. I recommend joining. It’s called necessary family estrangement. Good luck.

Thanks everyone

My kindle is broken and Susan Forward book no longer available as an Audible book.

Not in App Store either. If anyone knows how I can get it on my iPhone I’d appreciate it and TIA.

Going to look up the Facebook group now. Thanks for the suggestion

I don’t love my mother I used to say I did because it’s what was expected, but I didn’t, I just wanted her to love me. By the time I was 30 I wanted her to like me, by 35 or so to respect me. By 45 I knew she’d never change and for various reasons I went NC. Been 15 years of bliss.

Op
I haven't had contact with my mother for 18 years.

And I am so much better for it.

I decided what I was doing and did it. Anyone who didn't like it got told to run and jump .
My mental health improved significantly. No more guilt for being born. No not justifying my existence. No more grovelling or excuses for bi g what or who I am.

I raised two lovely self sufficient kids. You don't need to stay in contact with people who cause harm. It's fine! It's actually good. It's freedom.

"My kindle is broken and Susan Forward book no longer available as an Audible book.

Not in App Store either. If anyone knows how I can get it on my iPhone I’d appreciate it and TIA. "

Get the (free) Kindle app? itunes.apple.com/ie/app/kindle/id302584613?mt=8

I have a good deal of experience of supporting my dh who is NC with his narcissistic Mother and Father. The Toxic Parents book is fantastic, Susan Forward has also written a book called Mothers who can’t love daughters:

www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=susan+forward+mothers&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547925966&sr=8-1

You might also find this book useful:

www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=narcissistic+mothers&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547926021&sr=8-1

When looking into narcissistic Mothers, I found this website fantastic:

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

The website creator has written several fantastic books too

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www.amazon.co.uk/Dear-Daughter-Narcissistic-Mother-letters/dp/023253277X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=dear+daughter+of+a+narcissistic+mother&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547926481&sr=8-1

Hopefully with time you will come to realise that you are much better off without the toxicity that your Mother creates in your life! My dh has now been NC for seven years and he is so much happier! He has had three different lots of therapy and he is feeling so much better in himself and his self esteem has soared! He has said that there is no way he would go back now and he has come to realise that his parents are not good people.

I hope that you and your brother can grow and bond together as you face life without your toxic Mother. My dh had many flying monkeys from his Mothers family, who attacked him in the wake of going NC.My dh had a lovely Great Aunt who was also very religious and he stayed in contact with her, he just had a calm chat with his Great Aunt and explained that he had to put his mental health and marriage first. That he cared for his Great Aunt greatly and would very much like to continue to stay in touch with her. Which he did until she passed away.

If your Aunt is lovely, just be lovely back and say that you don’t wish the problems you have had with your Mother, to impact your relationship with your Aunt.

One of the best things that helped me was calling her by her first name rather than "Mum". Once I took away that name, going no contact was much easier. Best of luck OP xxx

I'm 5 months into NC with mine. The screaming like a banshee and childish calculated venom really rang true for me.

My reason for no contact was the final straw of insults related to my special needs DC.

My stance on it now is this...

You don't have to like me but you WILL respect me, and if you can't respect me then you WON'T be in my life.

Your aunt is a flying monkey, not intentionally - but a flying money all the same.

Its easy for people to say forgive and forget, and make excuses, but they're not on the receiving end of it are they??

Its easy for people to say forgive and forget, and make excuses, but they're not on the receiving end of it are they??

This. Or they've been beaten down by a lifetime of abuse and have to find -some- reason to put up with it.

Thank you all so much for the advice, suggestions, personal stories and flowers. It means a lot. I know we’re all strangers on the internet but you all still took the time to reply and I really appreciate it

I’m still trying to get ‘Toxic Parents’ on my iPhone after downloading the kindle app. I’ll figure it out. Read a sample of it and even that much hit home for me.

For so long I’ve felt I was making a big deal out of it and ‘it wasn’t that bad’ but it was. She terrorised me and loved me. I don’t understand any of it.

I hurt so bad. I wonder if her own fucked up upbringing made her not as prepared to parent as she maybe wanted to? Was there really malice in the things she said and did? Maybe she just didn’t know how to be a mother? She’s a product of a dysfunctional family too.

I just can’t make sense of a mother hitting her children as mine did. I know some parents use physical punishment but not on the level she did. I wonder sometimes was she just doing as she had learned from her own mother but then I could never do to my dd what she did to me.

Strangely I’m more angry that she hit my brother. When I wanted so desperately to protect him I couldn’t. Maybe that’s why I feel like his mother and I ‘mother’ him. I don’t know. I’m rambling again. I don’t expect any reply by the way but funnily, it helps to type this out.

My aunt has always been the saviour of the family. I do believe she is a flying monkey (looked it up) but absolutely not intentionally. I can’t explain her personality but she is just as close to saintly as I can think. She is such a beautiful, empathic woman who has carried the shit our family has dumped on her for her whole life. Her own mother was a narcissist who slowly, mentally beat her down. I feel I want to wrap her up and take her away and mind her forever but she sadly doesn’t see what they’ve done to her. I hate them.

My mother’s birthday is coming up in a few days. I won’t contact her. I feel so, so guilty and sad for her that her daughter (me) won’t call her. I see Facebook posts about how special mothers are and how we should talk to them because we never know when the last chance might be. I can’t though. I don’t know why.

I don’t know anything right now but I’m hoping the haze and guilt and pain and sadness will lift.

I feel like an awful daughter one minute and the next I’m thinking “no, I would never let another person treat me like this”.

She has apologised in the past but it’s always followed by “I’m not perfect but I tried my best” and that leads back to her again and how hard life was. I don’t doubt, as a single mother, times were hard but it’s not said in that way. It’s said like ‘let’s have a pity party for me so we can excuse my behaviour.

Jesus there’s so much, I could write all night and maybe I will but not here. I think starting my rambling here has made me think maybe I should start a journal.

Please don’t anyone feel the need to reply. I’m just typing. Stopping now.

Once again, thank you all and all the very best to you

Bloody hell, I didn’t realise that was so long!