Boundaries

[madison311]

Husband and I separated in may. Can I ask what other people do when contact with kids is in your home. It isn't possible for him to bring them to house he is renting a room in as their are 4 other males there and fairly cramped already. He has asked me if he can spend time with them here. We agreed 2 evenings a week and every Friday nite as I work nite duty on Friday nites. However he won't go until he is asked to leave and I always feel like a bitch then wen I ask him wen he is going. I feel he is very inappropriate in what he says to me wen he is here. Eg. ur boobs look great in that top or I'd love to grab ur bum etc etc. it makes me feel very uncomfortable as we are not together anymore. I've told him loads of times to stop and still he continues to say these things. Am I being silly letting it bother me so much. I feel anxious wen he is around as I'm waiting for an argument to kick off and feel such relief wen he is gone. I just wish he could afford a more suitable place to rent where the kids could go sometimes and I wouldn't have to be around him.

Tell him straight

“You’re being a sleaze, time to go.”

“You will not be allowed to visit the children here anymore If your behaviour continues”

Though I’d be tempted to stop that anyway....at the very least don’t leave him there alone on Friday evenings. Who knows what he’s doing!

And set a timer “for the children” on his visits.

“When the alarm goes off, Daddy has 10 minutes left....on the second alarm it’s tome to say bye to Daddy” etc

Do you know anyone who can be in the house during contact? Someone to tell him to stfu with his bollocks.

Why not leave him alone in house Friday nites when I'm not there. Is it a bad idea? I don't know how else to arrange things as all this is just awkward as he doesn't have suitable place. Me not being there on the Friday nites I thought would be a good way for him to spend time with them without me being there. Saying that though there was a big argument last sat morning when I got home. I was 20 mons late, I spent the 20 mins chatting to some people that came in to do their day shiftss and he started accusing me of seeing someone else. Ffs like we are separated since may and he is still thinks he can control me.

It sounds like he's still trying to control you even though you're not together anymore. He knows that the sexual comments he makes are making you uncomfortable and he will continue to make them for exactly that reason, he wants to get a response from you and he is. Getting into an argument with you when you were slightly late getting home from work and making accusations about what you might be doing with your time is his way of showing you he still has a claim on you and your time, just as him not leaving without you forcing the point also shows he thinks this way. I expect you defended yourself and explained he was wrong and what you were actually doing? Don't do that! He doesn't need or deserve an explanation, you don't have to explain yourself to him anymore. Just a simple sorry I'm late, you can leave now is all that's needed. If he tries to accuse you of anything or start an argument you just say I apologised for being late, you can go now, say by to dad kids and kick him out.
In saying that, OP you need to stop letting him have unfettered access to YOUR house and he needs to make other arrangements to see the DC's (him being there unsupervised means he could be going through your things and doing god knows what). If his place isn't suitable that's his problem to sort out not yours.

He wants it all on his terms and you're letting him do this.

Firstly, remind him that you don't have to let him see the children at your place, you are doing it to ensure they have regular contact with him.

But if his comments and accusations continue, he will have to make arrangements to have contact elsewhere. If that means he needs to move house then so be it. If that means contact with the kids is reduced, again so be it. That's up to him to sort out, not you.

Also remind him that you are separated and have been for over 6months.

It's none of his damn business if you're seeing someone or not.

Time to get tough and get some clear boundaries in place.