Give a normally totally heartless cow some advice

[FizzyPink]

So I started seeing this guy back in the summer and honestly after matching on a dating app avoided meeting him for ages as he wasn’t my type, looked too boring etc etc.

Eventually met him and oh my god was he so perfect for me. I’d previously been a total party girl dating bad guys who weren’t interested in a serious relationship and within weeks realised that this guy was exactly what I needed and actually I wanted to settle down and have a proper relationship with a decent guy. I’m 26 for context.

First couple of months were incredible, we were so compatible, everything was great and we were both very open about how happy we were. Until he started making excuses not to see me and became almost distant. I questioned him on it and he would just avoid answering. I probably should have ended it then and the old me 100% would have but he’d had plenty of time to end it if that’s what he wanted so I persevered. Then one night he totally broke down and told me after a whole host of deaths/job stress/family stress he’d spent the last year incredibly lonely and had become anxious and depressed and didn’t even recognise who he was anymore. I reassured him I was there for him and encouraged him to see his GP which he did the next day.

Following this he had what I can only describe as a full on breakdown. It was almost as if opening up to me made everything very real and he couldn’t cope with it. This was back in October and since then he’s been seeing an excellent therapist and is a million times better.

However he’s still been distant and hard to pin down and we’ve had weeks of not speaking after I’ve had enough but then we’ve both missed each other. Over Christmas he got back in touch and we spent some amazing time together but ultimately I knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Last week I told him I would always be there for him but I didn’t want this on off relationship anymore. He put off discussing it for days as he was so devastated that he was hurting me and couldn’t cope with it. When we did speak he said we need to draw a line under everything and both move on in order for him to get his head straight but if it’s meant to happen it will. He’s a huge perfectionist and said at the moment it’s so unfair on me because he doesn’t know what he wants and if we’re going to be together he wants to be the best possible boyfriend to me he can be but right now he has to be selfish and get himself better.

I know it’s totally the right thing to do and I don’t want that half relationship thing anymore but it’s not even been a week of not speaking and it’s way harder than I was expecting. I think me expecting him to get better and come back to me makes it even worse as this is what he kept hinting at.

Please tell me your success stories of relationships that were better after a break/time making it stronger etc. And equally any advice to get over this! I’m the most unsoppy person ever and this has totally blindsided me.

This says to me that you dont really know yourself. I feel that maybe your a softy at heart. Its not your job to be there for him. You have been patient and kind so enough is enough and move on. Next time you will have more idea of what you really want.

Know thyself.
You're the opposite of heartless or unsoppy, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you need to know when to call it a day, and where your own boundaries lie, otherwise you'll have people taking the piss.
Tbf I think it's rare for women to be heartless or out for their own interests around your age, that usually comes after 40 when you start walking around with your eyes wide open

Tbh I'd hang on in there and offer friendship only until he gets himself better - the support you show him through his journey will strengthen the relationship fundamentals and if anything moves on from there into an actual relationship, That's only a good thing!

Good luck OP x

He is feeding you the lines he knows you want to hear. Stop wasting your time on this guy, he's either a complete bellend or emotionally unavailable, which ever it is he isn't for you.
If he cared as much as he says he wouldn't be messing you around, have you seen/read he just isn't that into you? If not watch/read it it's such an eye opener. It makes you realise that, as women, we waste so much time on men who are either emotionally unaware or just don't give a shit, while excusing their behaviour because of the shit they tell us. Just as you are doing.
I would just leave it there, use it as a lesson as to why not to get too emotionally invested so early on.
Don't listen to what he says, instead take note of the way he treats you, trust me I 've learned that the hard way.
Going forward decide your boundaries and stick to what you say, nothing should be this hard so soon. If you say you deserve better and want more it's because you do. If you're not getting that then say it and be prepared to move on to better and more.

Thank you, I think you’re all right. Previously I was very anti relationships but I think it was just a front to protect myself from getting hurt and he made me feel safe enough to take that down.
I’ve tried to just be there for him as a friend but it was too hard for both of us and he was just feeling too guilty for not being a proper boyfriend to me. I know walking away has been the right thing to do and he knows I’m still here for him, I wrote him a long message and he promised me he’ll reach out if he needs me. It’s just hard and a shit situation right now

Thank you @ALittleBitConfused1 I do agree he’s totally emotionally unavailable right now but I’ve seen first hand the heartache he went through to eventually draw a line under everything and he was so so careful to try not to hurt me, I do believe that was genuine.
I hear what you’re saying and I know I need to move on at least for the time being, it’s just not easy when you’ve felt such a strong connection unlike anything I’ve ever felt before for someone.

My situation is similar to yours. I'm 2 years down the line. He is emotionally unavailable and I've been overly empathetic, giving him too many chances.

We get on great and the chemistry between us was like nothing I've experienced. However, it follows a very predictable pattern: every 4 months or so, he shuts down, gets depressed and cuts me out. Then when he feels more positive, we drift back together.

The result of this is my mental health is fucked. I'm drained. I am still friends with him but enough is enough. I blame myself for not putting me first and letting him come back to me to easily. He's now getting help and working on himself, whilst I'm a mess.

Please think about yourself, first and foremost.

I think most women have been where you are at one point in their lives OP. We've all had that longing for something that doesn't turn out the way we want, and it hurts like a bastard.
One piece of advice on here which has stuck is - if a man wants you, you'll KNOW about it.
Be kind to yourself, spend time with friends and family. You're 26, it may not feel like it, but the world is your oyster

He put off discussing it for days as he was so devastated that he was hurting me and couldn’t cope with it.

This is bollocks. He just was hoping you'd stop talking about it so that you could still have fun/sex. He waited a while but you were still upset so he thought "ugh i guess i'll have to talk to her about this then"

When we did speak he said we need to draw a line under everything and both move on in order for him to get his head straight but if it’s meant to happen it will.

This is called "letting her down gently".

He’s a huge perfectionist and said at the moment it’s so unfair on me because he doesn’t know what he wants and if we’re going to be together he wants to be the best possible boyfriend to me he can be but right now he has to be selfish and get himself better.

This is called "spinning someone a line" and it's part of "letting her down gently".

The excuses and explanations he is giving you are literally never true. Ever. They are exclusively ways to let the other party down gently. Unfortunately they're also quite cruel because they give false hope. But, sadly many folk can't stand to make a clean break because they hate feeling like the bad guy.

He isn't into you and doesn't want to have a relationship with you. Please move on now. Don't wait around as you'll have your heart broken for sure. Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear xx

McWilde is right. If he really wanted you, you would know. He’s playing hot and cold because he doesn’t know what he wants. Which really means he doesn’t want you, just wants to want you. You will end up exhausted, depressed & heartbroken if you continue to long for him as it will probably continue until he meets someone he does want & then it’ll feel a million times worse (trust me).

I had a v v similar situation years ago
Turned out he was still married but she had left him and he was still devastated
He’d used me to bury his pain although he did really like me, I wasn’t her
I felt exactly the same as you. I thought I’d wait for him to be ready. After a bit I cut off all contact. Some time later on, he “came back” for me. I had moved on. He was still mournful.
I know from social media that he’s now married with two kids and I’m with my DH and one kid so it defo wasn’t meant to be for us. It really should not be that hard! Don’t push it. With the right guy it will be easy

Hi I am sorry that your partner has went through this and that you have been affected by all of this as well.

I am going to make a few points here.

1. I think you jumped a relationship with this man way to soon. Its great that you realised he was "everything you wanted in a man" so to speak but you did not really know him well enough. I see a lot of girls and men fall hard, generate intense feelings over a short period of time and you do not get to have a chance to properly know someone. Next time you meet someone, perhaps take it more slowly!

1. It really sounds like he is not in any way ready for a serious relationship. While its good he has starting seeing a therapist, he still seems have many problems. It looks like he has to focus on himself and also you deserve better than waiting around for when he is having a good day. Its best you be a distant friend, don't leave things on bad terms and be open to anything in the future. Wish him well.

1. Just because it has not worked out for you and him at the moment does not mean there is not a chance in the future. I honestly believe that we end up with the person God intended for us. I broke up with my then bf (now husband) so many times when we first met. We rushed into it like I previously said, we had many differences in what we believes were deal breakers and we just argued a lot. After like 4/5 times of breaking up we finally got our act together, grow up, acted mature and now we are happily married and we never fight anymore. You cannot force life, you have to let it happen. You may get back with him down the road but don't block off other opportunities with other men. The right man might not be him and thats why its ended. The right man might be just around the corner.

Try and focus on you this year. As much as you care about this guy, back off and remember what you were thinking about before you meet him.

I've experienced this behaviour and heard these lines. He's emotionally unavailable. It took me a while to understand/see clearly. This book will help: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my-books/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/

To be blunt I think his interest in you waned after a couple of months and he's been trying to end things since then.

It sucks but definitely cut contact. You deserve someone thoroughly into you not someone blowing hot and cold like this.

I don't agree his interest waned. If that was the case why is he holding on now? I think he sounds depressed and I'm glad you suggested the GP to him. He needs professional help

@LaughingCow99 I agree. I don't think his interest wanted either. He is mentally ill and is getting himself help. He needs to work on himself and cannot be in a relationship until he is mentally stronger.

• waned not wanted

Sorry, I thought OP had said he was getting help - he isn't, is he?

He definitely needs help. Has he suggested getting counselling?

It sounds like you’re in a relationship with my ex op. I had this and it completely wrecked me, he’s emotionally unavailable and you deserve better.

@laughingcow99
“I don't agree his interest waned. If that was the case why is he holding on now?”

Because he likes the attention? For sex? Because he wants to wait until someone better comes along?
Lots of people at one point in their life (or at lots of points in their life) will string someone along. Throw them some crumbs of attention and when it has the desired effect push them back again. As I said this usually continues until they find someone they do want to be with & it will destroy the other person. Op I know you want to believe it will work & you’re probably clinging onto those pp who are saying he still likes you he just needs help as hope that something will work in the future, because you want to believe it will work, but the only thing down this path waiting for you is a lot of pain.

MonsterTequila I am referring to his interest waning because someone suggested he wanted out of the relationship. If he did want out, this was his opportunity to take it.

What Oiiii said.