DDs father just doesn't seem interested

[Betty1064]

Ex and I have been separated for 6.5 years, our DD is 7. He has never been a very hands on father, when she was just 6 months old he moved to the other side of the country and since doing so comes back whenever he feels like it. On occasion he hasn't been back for upto a total of 3 months.

Although he will be back for weeks at a time, he will only plan to see DD for a few hours on a weekday evening (after school) for some dinner and won't see her again until he next comes back. He refuses to see her at weekends and doesn't have her overnight. I have only agreed to this as she literally would not see him at all otherwise.

I have tried and tried to make set arrangements, but he continuously refuses my attempts, will agree and then not stick to them or tells me it's just not possible with his work schedule.

I have always pushed my DD to see him but she just doesn't want to go anymore. She said he just plays on his phone when she's around and comes back telling me of his holiday plans to Australia and Switzerland, all plans which do not include her. He has never taken her on a day trip to the beach but continues to travel the world solo.

I suppose my question is when do I give up? I haven't text him about contact since before Christmas and he has made no attempts to make arrangements either. My DD doesn't seem too bothered but I'm not sure whether she's just putting on a brave face.

So do I contact him as usual to try and make some arrangements? Wait for him to contact me? Or grant my DDs wishes and tell her it's her choice to see him or not? I'm verging on the she's still too young to make that decision but I don't know what more I can do tbh.

Did he even see her at Christmas? He sounds like he doesn't care too much... Sad but his actions point to this. Does he facetime her or call to chat to her inbetween these infrequent visits at all?
When you divorced did you not have to have childcare, visitation written up and agreed? If so can you go back to the solicitor and insist he engages with his daughter. I'd be inclined to take a step back and see if he gets in touch more. If not then there's your answer, you've tried and he's not interested.

betty I don't mean to be unkind but I do think that you are doing your poor dd any favours by giving her 'false hope' - pushing her relationship and attachment to a parental figure who is both absent and neglectful. Continuing to push her towards yearning for a father who will, as shown by previous attitude and actions, show her how little she is worth in his estimation is only setting her up for heartbreak and disappointments. Let it go.
IF he pushes then DEMAND regularity and consistency for HER sake that's what contact is for - the best interests of the child!

weejo he saw her on the 21st for a few hours, I had to pick up her presents early on the 22nd as he "hadn't had chance to wrap them". He doesn't call or facetime either- the few hours here and there is literally all she gets. We were also never married so no arrangements via divorce etc.

Sistersofmercy I appreciate your opinion, I have always felt that trying to keep their relationship going was the best thing to do but now I'm not sure facilitating his ridiculous arrangements has been helpful at all.

I find that appalling, didn't see her for Christmas. He just isn't trying or indeed feeling the love for a child that he should. Does he pay you maintenance? Nothing to stop you going to a solicitor and have something written up. Holidays, weekends etc if you feel strongly about him having contact. The best you can do is disengage and if you have a man perhaps that father figure will be in a partner or future one of yours. Some men sadly aren't good fathers...

Weejo He's never had her over Christmas, however he has always paid maintenance.

Both of his parents were fabulous with DD but unfortunately they have both died within the last 2 years. She hasn't dealt with her grandmothers death very well and has had tons of support from her school and from the hospice. None from her father however.

With losing his Mum and Dad I think I have been too understanding, hes not an awful person just not a very good father.

I have been with my new partner since DD was 2 and we have a son together. She adores my DP and him her, she is fabulous with her brother too. I think the relationship she has with my partner has made her see that her own father isn't great and she just doesn't want to go and see him anymore. I really hate pushing my 7 year old through the door and I don't think I will be doing that again

betty you did so very much to give him every single opportunity to be the father your dd deserves - he squandered them and worse, he's clearly hurt her feelings deeply. You have every right to stop his nonsense hurting dd further, you have absolutely no reason to have even a twinge of guilt over this. You mention your dd has a mutually respectful, caring relationship with your partner - this is lovely to hear, and reminds me of the saying "love is a verb and family is in the caring" Wishing your family good luck.