Obsessive memories - help!

[ItsABeatifulDayNow]

How do you get rid of that horrid deep stomach knot when you remember awful things you obsessed over during a relationship that is absolutely, totally dead.

I ended it. I have zero interest in reuniting and yet in the night I am often gripped to almost panic attack levels with images of things like my ex having lap dances he swore on his families lives he hadn't (no issue if you don't have a problem with this but was a clear and discussed boundary later lied about repeatedly and repeated... repeatedly).

Why cant I just get it out of my head?! It's not even HIM in my head, it's I guess some sort of humiliation or regret for not leaving long before I did but it manifests in that sick feeling you get when you first find out a big lie that unravels everything. Needless to say, There were many others.

I have health issues this is making worse - why on earth can't I just stop bloody doing it?!

As only a suggestion you may have some mild c-ptsd. I know that sounds extreme compared to the things that some people have lived through, but we now know its a fairly common side-effect to stressful relationships.

I had a very stressful period in my life that involved a member of my husbands family who harrassed me terribly. Even years after I went NC I still had terrible obsessive thoughts that would esculate to full blown anxiety attack. Nothing was actually happening!

Loads better now as I see triggers coming, recognise it as a trigger, let the feeling pass and get on with my day. If I get a flashback I just tell my brain to stfu and replace the thought with something more pleasant. Audible helped me a lot (sounds silly) but plugging myself into something relaxing that focuses my concentration helped with obsessive thinking.

Hope that is of some help x

You poor thing.

The surge of adrenaline / rage you are feeling has become addictive. Also it is masking other potential feelings like loss or loneliness. It is quite normal. I certainly have done this too and I do sympathise.

A therapist told me the fact I kept berating myself for doing 'it' was making it all the more alluring. A good strategy she gave me was to promise myself I could spend half an hour thinking about it at a certain time each day. And to follow through.

You are having intrusive thoughts. CBT can be really helpful with this. You can refer yourself online in many areas.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/

You are all brilliant. Should have mentioned I'm bipolar and also dealing with pretty bad epilepsy following a horrid car crash a year ago so not a very good time to be having intrusive thoughts (perfect description thank you) eg will be enjoying a film and any mention of lap dances / other things that hurt me and were lied about trigger that real knot of dread that I then can't shift for hours and hours even with propranolol.

Feels silly that this is happening frequently after so much massive stuff has happened in a year - I'm better than this! Maybe that's it a bit - distraction from processing what I really should be.

I'm only 32 and I've lost a 6 figure business I set up, all my earning potential for the for foreseeable, independence, driving.... etc etc. I know intellectually I'm lucky to have gotten out of a toxic relationship despite all that and feel a strength about it.

Just these bloody thoughts!! Thank you for being so brilliant - any other ideas at all I will put into practice as I have to shift this and then can really enjoy my new version of happiness and freedom

If you're bi polar then can you get your medication reviewed. I have bi polar and obsess about past events to the point that they drive me to distraction. No point analysing them because it's the illness that is giving them so much significance. Try to remember this and get medical help rather than looking for answers here. Bipolar is a cruel illness.

Did you suffer a concussion in your accident? I was in a car accident 1 year ago and suffer terrible anxiety (not about the accident)! I now have migraines also any my doctor said it is a symptom of post concussion syndrome basically a concussion which doesn’t heal within a normal time frame. I am taking propanol and seeing a therapist. Literally feeling sick when I think of my last relationship, I get nightmares and relive it over and over!

I found that writing my thoughts down on paper in the form of a letter was very helpful to me.
I bought a writing pad and would spend some time just scribbling away all my thoughts. Sometimes I would push the pen through the paper because I was so angry.
It was especially useful in the early hours of the morning.
I didn't ever read back what I had written, I just started writing again.
I didn't bother with trying to write correctly and use grammar or even correct spelling I just crossed it out and started again. I just sat and wrote furiously until I was all written out.
It was never an attempt to make them understand how hurt I was. They knew what they had done. It was only ever for me to blurt it all out safely. It took me quite a while to get it all out of my system but I finally did then as I had an open fire I burned all of it still unread by me or anyone else. A lot of my anger was directed at myself for being so stupid and gullible.
Sorry op this post is a bit me me me.
I hope you manage to find a way past this and I wish you well for your future

I don't think it would be normal to go through what you did and not have intrusive thoughts. I think a counsellor can help you accept what has happened. Your earning potential for this venture may have gone, but you are young. Plenty more opportunities will arise in the future for new careers.

Take care.

Saphris is extremely effective against obsessive and intrusive thoughts. It is used for both bi polar disorder and ptsd patients. I would ask your GP about it to see if it is a good fit for you.

Good luck!

Bumping just in case any other words of wisdom