Anyone with extremely insecure siblings...

[Vasilisa19]

...that make it almost impossible to have a normal relationship with them? It makes me so sad because both my husband and I have one on each side of our family. My brother is hugely insecure about his life but handles it so badly by putting me and my sister down at every opportunity.

Example
He had his house repossessed (totally his own fault) we supported him through it the best we could. He now lives in a one bedroom flat which he rents - he is still paying his debts off. Every time he comes to our house he basically scans it for fault and is extremely rude about it (we live in a large detached in a leafy village). When we paid our mortgage off early he told me only idiots have mortgages because the government will take it off me eventually. I get that its a sensitive subject - but he was really rude and aggressive. Last Christmas he refused an invitation because he said 'he doesn't like the house' and our 'tv is crap'. If we have anything new he will instantly sneer at it and find fault.

He has been through 3 divorces and so undermines my (26 year old) marriage as 'weird' or 'boring'. He is horrible most of the time to my lovely husband who is always polite with him.

He insults my sister about how she spends her money - accusing her of stupidity even though she works in finance and has 2 successful businesses.

He no longer sees his two children because of his own doing, they do spend time with us as a family as we want to stay in touch. I know this makes him feel guilty, so he finds fault in everything regarding our parenting.

He drinks excessively, and then blames my poor parents for his choices - essentially saying all he ever wanted was a father in the pub!! He blames all his problems on my lovely mum and an apparent terrible childhood that only he can remember.

I have just completed a pHd and throughout he has gone on and on and on about it being 'wasting' money (which I can afford) and ridiculing my subject matter. My son has just started at a prestigious university and all my brother did was sneer him for not getting 'a trade' and will never get a job. (He's doing maths and physics!).

I finally snapped back last week when he saw me turn up to a family gathering in a new car to which he mocked as 'embarrassing' (its a very ordinary car only 2 years old??)

I supposed I am just ranting and wondered if anyone else has a highly competive sibling and how you handle to constant digs?

I get you.
And I've no real advice to offer except to go low contact and practise being stoic, understanding and philosophical about their lashing out.
My relative does this and the sneering really gets to me. Its very upsetting.
Everything's a negative with him. Everything is 'wrong'. Add into the mix that he's a consumate liar too and family events become very hard going indeed.
I think you can only get through a meet-up with this type of relative by finding a bit of pity in your heart for the twat that they are and never, ever, taking any of their negativity to heart. Your success is like a mirror showing them clearly, their failure.
It must be hard for them.

I’m NC with the one sister who was like this to me, it’s not the only reason though. She took the piss out of everything a mixture of jealousy and sadness on her part for the same sort of reasons as you. My other sisters who are in similar circumstances to her, both hard up and single are still very lovely people.

I would reduce contact as I don't see you getting anything from him. He has problems but only he can fix them, you can't make him happy, in fact his jealousy probably makes him more miserable.

Every scenario you mention reeks of jealousy on his part. He's fucked up his life in every area it seems and can't stand to see anyone make good of theirs. You have two choices, continue to include him in your lives, but call him out on every negative comment. Laugh and saying a smile say " Are you being negative again" how about saying something nice" I've done this with a colleague who constantly moaned, complained about everything. Very tiring. She soon stopped and I think began to think a bit more about what she said and how.

Or lower the contact, do you pursue his coming over, inclusion in family events etc?

i have an older sibling like this.
Basically you can't do right for doing wrong - either she's taking her issues out on me like your brother does, or if she feels superior/more successful in some way then i get abuse for being a 'failure' and anything else that makes her feel good about herself.

I went NC with her a few years ago and only see her at family gatherings.
I'm polite and civil to her but she doesn't reciprocate as she knows the rest of the family will never openly support or defend me (i'm the blacksheep)

You don't need to keep him in your life just because you share the same blood.
I call her out - and anyone else who tries to defend her abuse - every time it happens.
They have a choice - either treat me with the same respect and consideration i show you or shut the fuck up.

Funnily enough, over time this fucked up dynamic is slowly changing and other family members are standing up to her more.....

My younger sibling is like this.

I recently started Uni after a year at college. The year at college was full of “Oh Roland will drop out before Christmas” I didn’t “She’ll have failed her exams and get kicked out” I didn’t “She’ll quit before Easter” I didn’t “She didn’t get the right grades hahahahaha that posh Uni won’t let her in” They did “She’ll quit before Christmas” She just goes on and on like that.

We’re all aware it’s raging jealousy, she couldn’t manage her college course as a single parent with 1DC and loads of support (from me!) so she’s seething that I’ve done it as a single parent with 4DC.

It’s just a small example, but she’s always like it with me. No clue why, I moved out when she was 10. (I’m much older.)

I’m VLC and have been for years. I’m polite at birthdays and weddings etc but I’m not interested in listening to her sneer at me any more.

I worked bloody hard for this life.

I’m considering VLC with my siblings who have reverse snobbery. I’ve made different life decisions to them, and instead of thinking each to their own, they see it as a rejection of what they have chosen.

After a fraught Christmas period where DH and I were both ignored, I was verbally abused by one and the other brought up everything that was wrong with us, I’m keeping things low contact. One parent gets it and backs us, the other wants us all to get along and can’t see an issue.

My motto is keep calm & civil - no reaction will probably wind them up even more, but at least I won’t be to blame, and even more justified to remain LC.