Are tiffs normal in a relationship?

[beckysbobbles]

Hi,

I'm really not sure what advice I'm hoping for but I'm wondering on your opinions. I've been with DP for nearly a year and he has three wonderful children. The relationship with the kids is great, we've had issues with the ex but generally it's all fine.

My issues lately seem like DP expects me to be some perfect girlfriend. He hates to argue (so do I) but as a couple, we have tiffs. Yesterday he was at my house before I got home from work, he ran me a lovely bath but I came through the door and was a bit annoyed as I'd asked him to tidy the rubbish on the drive way days ago and he hadn't.

He was annoyed with me saying I shouldn't care about the rubbish, and should just be happy to be home with him. I do agree I wanted to see him but I find it frustrating him not doing something we've spoken about. He's response was I should just keep reminding him. I said I'd do it myself but he insisted he'd do it.

This is such a trivial example but that's the extent of our arguments. It's always silly little things that get fixed quite quickly but because he hates to argue, every time it happens it feels like he questions our relationship.

Generally we work so well. I love his children, I care for them, I provide for them. I'm always helping him when he needs things and he does things for me to. For me, these tiffs are part of any relationship but he seems to think you can have a relationship without ever arguing, is this true?

I actually think a little tiff is much better than being a robot and showing no emotions. We don't argue daily, maybe once a fortnight and it's always silly little things.

Any tips would be appreciated.

I think this will sort out in time as you get used to each other's styles of relating, but it's worth sitting down and talking about it to reassure him that you can disagree and for you at least, it's not the end of the relationship and that you continue to love him in any case. There will doubtless be stuff in his past that makes him dread conflict because it has a bad ending or escalates into something horrible. He needs to be reassured that it's OK to disagree or argue now and then, and still love one another. Joint counselling can help with strategies to manage disagreements in a way that doesn't make either party feel threatened.

Of course tiff are normal.

He's response was I should just keep reminding him.

Oh God, he's one of those... good luck.

But why would you expect him to sort out your rubbish in the first place?

*tiffs

@SheeshazAZ09 what amazing advice - thank you. You are completely right. I know arguing in the past is a trigger for him and I should try and reassure him. Thank you again.

Of course tiffs are normal.
But women taking on all the mental load can also become normal and is absolutely shit - especially as he has such time consuming responsibilities - so watch out for it and don’t do it.

My DH doesn’t like arguing with me (well, with anyone, but especially with those he cares about the most) so because of that he works hard to keep the peace. Which generally means I never have to ask him to do anything twice!

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I didn't expect him to clean the rubbish but when I said I was going to do it, he told me to leave it and he'd do it in the morning. Hence why I assumed he'd do it.

He stays at mine often so we do share chores which is fine but I think I just need to do things myself to avoid these little disagreements.

Every relationship is different. DH and I never argue because he’s like your DH and hates arguments. I was used to squabbling with my ex, so at first I found this a bit weird, but I must admit that now I’m a convert. It’s easy to be kind to each other and avoid tiffs when you get in the habit. But my parents bicker and they’ve been very happily married for 50 years, so different strokes for different folks!

Yeah they are normal. Me and my partner can have weeks of no issues, and weeks where we argue every day. It depends on personality types, we are both quite headstrong and stubborn so we butt heads now and again and both refuse to back down. He however is more laid back than me and he eventually gets bored, or I forget and we drop it and forget about it.

I don’t think the answer is you doing all the chores yourself by the way! Definitely not, don’t fall into that trap. It’s more about learning to communicate in a non confrontational way.

@Santaclarita this sounds so similar to us. I am so stubborn so I do have to stand my own ground. I've had awful experiences in the past so I don't want to be a walk over and I think my DP feels the same although when we argues he reverts into himself and that makes me feel like I'm some horrible monster.

It frustrates me as it makes me feel like the bad person when in fact blame usually lies on both sides.

It is perfectly normal but I agree with a pp it is about learning how to communicate with each other without everyone getting their backs up! When things are nice, it might be worth saying that reminding him over and over is not a road you want to go down as it feels like nagging and you also will not do things just to avoid asking again. It is hard to balance.

Less than a year and you are looking after and providing for his three kids, wow, surely he can take your rubbish out then yes; I'd be concerned tbh if I was arguing with a partner every two weeks that I'd only been with for a year, in fact any length of time.

Thanks for the replies. It's so helpful seeing other peoples opinions.

Sounds like you are very different people. I think you are one of those people who always gets busy and never leaves a job undone. Potentially you do this at the expense of other things which are equally important, like relaxing and romance.

On the other hand he doesn’t see the need to get things done once they arise. He likes to prioritise relaxation and pleasure.

Maybe you both need to balance these things out in your life. If you don’t you will not only have tiffs but major inequity in your relationship. Not everything has to be done right now, or at all. But life can’t be one big session of R&R.

We've never argued. Maybe once a year he will say something that I think is insensitive, I go off and think about it and come back and say im upset and why. He reflects back what I've said and when I feel understood he says sorry and we move on.

He doesn't typically get upset about things unless the thing is upsetting me iyswim.

It does take a while to learn each others style. Most folk would say two years. That's why I always say it takes 1-2 years minimum to get to know someone...

Your guy just sounds like the normal "all women are nags, I'll do it later, stop whining" type guys. That definitely won't get better. Good luck with that.

You sound like an Acts of Service love language as well, so his shit attitude will get more and more painful as you progress

After less than a year I don’t think tiffs every other week is normal, and not something I would want. You should be in the honeymoon period, not having gripes.

I agree with orangefluff . You shouldn't be bickering like this after such a short time.

My partner and I didn't have any tiffs for the first 3 years because we both hate arguing so much and didn't want to break the new relationship spell, so to speak. In practise this involved me gritting my teeth and thinking "that's not worth arguing over, just let it go". Little things, the same as your example. After about 3 years we had the mother of all fight and very very nearly broke up. Not only did I realise that by never fighting we'd never had any practise at communicating while angry, but every one of those tiffs we didn't have got brought up (by me). Yes I know it's bad form but for days it was "and another thing, last October you said you'd do the recycling and you didn't. And July 2016 you finished all of the biscuits and didn't even offer to replace them. And..." I was like a woman possessed. I hadn't even realised how much resentment I'd been holding onto. So, now we tiff as we go along. Much much healthier for us.