Desperately sad after ending things with cheating partner

[incendio]

Hi everyone, just looking for a bit of a hand hold and reassurance that these feelings will fade.

So in July I found out my partner had cheated on me (ONS). We had just bought and moved into our first home and as soon as I found out I threw him out. He admitted everything, was genuinely remorseful, has bent over backwards trying to make things right etc so shortly after finding out I agreed to try and work through things. More bc we had ties through the house and I thought if we could get things truly back on track it would be easier (I know I know).

However, I'm just not in love with him anymore and can't get back to how things were. I see him and our relationship in a different light and feel very distant from him. When we're together I find myself desperately wracking my brain for something to talk about and our sex life has dwindled down to nothing. So last night I ended things with him.

It was so upsetting, he seemed totally blindsided by it and said he thought we were getting on well and that things would soon get back to normal between us. I told him I wasn't happy and that I just wanted to be happy again and I wanted it for him too and he said he didn't want to stand in the way of my happiness but just wished I could be happy with him. I wish that too, I thought we would live our lives together.

I do genuinely think he made a mistake and wouldn't do it again after finding out what he has to lose but surely that doesn't matter if I can't get myself to feel normal around him?

Today I just feel so sad and can't stop crying. Which is strange to me because I knew in my head the relationship was over for quite a while and didn't feel sad at all. I feel sad to let go of the life I thought I was going to have and I'm worrying about him and how his life will be when we're not together. I feel a physical ache in my chest.

I'm so sorry.

You need to feel sad though and mourn the loss of him and the life you thought you'd have. It is important to let it all out and grieve properly.

It is also important to remember that this awful sadness, and anger too probably, will pass and you'll feel better again too.

Huge hug to you. Been there, felt how you feel and it is very tough.

You poor thing. But you are right, just because you know he wouldn't do it again does not mean that you automatically can feel like you did about him. How devastating for you, huge hugs and give yourself lots of time xx

It's s horrible thing to find out. But well done for being honest with yourself and doing what is right for you. He did it once, he's capable of doing it again, despite what he says (and are you really sure he's only fine it once, or had he only been caught once?), and you'd never be able to look at him the same way again.
Hope you find someone trustworthy and more mature next time round.

You gave it a good try and you've done the right thing.

*Fine = done!

PS. Sounds like you found out from someone else, otherwise he'd still be keeping it secret. Obviously not feeling guilty enough to be honest and come clean with you, which to me indicates he's comfortable lying to you long term. Not nice.

Thank you for the kind words everyone, it really means a lot.

@Productrecall I remember him acting strange after the ONS and me questioning him on it (although I never for a second thought he had been unfaithful) so that makes me think it might have been just the once as he says because his behaviour was weird. But of course I don't know for certain and never will, I can hardly take his word! I think it might have been one last grasp for freedom before settling down but if it was such a noose around his neck he shouldn't have made the decision to buy a home with me!

And yeah I found out from the ONS's partner (they have 3 children ) and I think my DP's behaviour when I found out has really impacted how I feel. He tried to deny it then when he couldn't escape the overwhelming proof went off the grid for 24 hours to lick his wounds. Maybe if he had come to me and said "I've done something stupid" before we signed this missives on our house I would have been able to overcome this because my respect for him might have stayed intact. But alas...

You are grieving for your past relationship, but you can get over it. He broke your trust, thats why it's different now. And he cant repair that trust, it won't be the same again.

Don't rush into other relationships. Doesn't matter how long it takes, you'll know when you feel ready. You will be fine don't worry.

I know exactly what you mean, mine did the denial thing for months. My respect for him has taken a double beating because of it. Firstly, because he'd cheat in the first place, then second because he never admitted anything I hadn't already found out myself elsewhere. It's so cowardly, and absolutely ruins the idea of being able to trust them in the future - which I had told him until I was blue in the face, while he was still lying. Well done for getting out, youll feel much better about it in the long run.

Your feelings are completely natural, you're acting with a great deal of self respect and good sense. Things will get better.

(I for one think these things are rarely one offs incidentally. Someone shouldn't have to cheat and get found out to see what they'd lose, they should have some cop on and integrity).
How many posters on here forgave something like that only to have the same or worse happen later, usually with kids involved, and are on here heartbroken and stressed beyond imagination. You have a good compass, good values and it will hold you in good stead.

How many posters on here forgave something like that only to have the same or worse happen later, usually with kids involved, and are on here heartbroken and stressed beyond imagination.
Yup.

@Productrecall exactly! I started thinking he was weak for cheating in the first place and cowardly for not being able to own up to it right away. How can I be in a healthy relationship with someone I think is weak and cowardly? Sorry you've gone through similar.

@merville Thank you so much! And yeah I thank god every day we didn't already have DC, so wouldn't be able to forgive myself if we had them down the line only for it to happen again.