Kicking out boyfriend, feeling guilty due to money

[Stuffthinker]

Hello! Apolgies, I have difficulties keeping my threads short. But writing my feelings out actually help me a lot also :)

I have made my decision to break up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years (we are both 29 years old). I have somewhat gotten over the overall guilty feelings of leaving him, but there is one guilty feeling I find extremely difficult to get over - money.

Previously, he lived in a rather cheap one-bedroom rental apartment (altogether around 300-400 per month). I have my own, small (no separate bedroom) apartment (I pay bank loan) and the costs are altogether 250-350 per month). We decided to move in together in my flat because it would be cheaper, I would not have to worry about renting my flat out and it is situated much closer to our jobs. Also, his land lord said he is not sure how long he would be willing to rent his apartment out anymore, cause he was thinking about selling it. We are sharing the costs 50/50.

Now, if I break up with him, he would have to move out and find a new flat. He earns a bit less than I do now (I had a pay rise a couple of months ago). Previously, we earned the same amount (1,050). However, the rental flats are more expensive now, he would have to pay at least around 400-500 per month altogether. The initial cost (fees and deposit etc) would be around 600-700. As long as I am aware of, he does not have any savings (but who knows, maybe I'm wrong..)

I try to comfort myself as firstly, he should receive around 300-400 from national tax refund in february. Also, when we moved in together, we decided we would save money for a bigger apartment in the future, so he would get around 300-400 from this fund as well. So he should be fine. But I keep thinking that maybe he has better plans with his money, it seems so unfair that he has to spend all this money to find a new flat :(

I also feel kind of guilty that I have managed to buy an apartment so that my costs per month now are lower and I do not have to worry about finding a place to live and I have the spare money from tax refund as well and also the savings from our "new apartment fund" (which I would use to buy a new dish machine as we gave up mine and used his when we moved in together).

Then again, I keep thinking that it is not "my fault" that I have managed to live my life the way I have. We have earned basically the same amount of money throuout our working lives previously, but I was living all alone all these years, I managed to save a bit money and managed to get a loan. However, he has mostly been in relationships and has always lived with his girlfriends, so his monthly costs should have smaller than mine and he would have been also able to save money..

I do not know. I feel so guilty. Especially because he always says he has so little money and he would want to buy all kinds of expensive things and quality clothing etc but he cannot afford these, he has spent all his money by the end of the month. Maybe he has a saving account, though he has never mentioned it. In that case it would make sense he has no money by the end of the month especially now when his living expenses are so low compared to when we did not share a flat. I put some money on my saving account every month and thus my "real net income" is even lower than his and we both pay our share and we both buy food etc and I also have a hobby which is rather costly and I buy all sorts of beauty products etc. He has none such expenses. But I still feel guilty.

Oh dear. You really are taking responsibility for him having to deal with basic things like being an adult.

Relationships end. He earns money. He is an adult who can decided what he wants to spend money on. If that is a savings account or the latest phone it is still his responsibility and decision.

He left a cheap flat that has probably been sold off by now, so he would have had to get a more expensive place anyway. Or the landlord would have upped their rent.

He has been living cheaper then his cheap flat for however long you have lived together and chose NOT to save the extra.

How is that on you?

Stop feeling responsible for him and let him go.

🤔 OP, has he behaved badly in the relationship - or are you just not feeling it anymore?

I ask because;

• If he has behaved badly or hurt you I would in no way feel sorry for him!

But

• If he hasn’t done anything wrong and you asked him to move in/give up his old place and move in with you, and now you’ve changed your mind- then that’s a bit different! In that case I would feel more responsibility to ensure he was ok afterwards and that he got set up in a new place. I would offer him the full 600-800 savings you made together in order to help with the cost of a new place.

If it were the other way around (as it often is on MN) and you had moved into his owned home at his request and he was then throwing you out 1.5 years later - MN would be saying how unfair it was and have a very different opinion!!

Nonsense. You are both adults earning much the same money. He should (and possibly has) been saving like you have. If he hasn’t, that’s down to him, not you. You’re his girlfriend, not his mammy.

Just get on with telling him it’s over.

Op, he’s a grown man who can sort himself out. He has history of moving in with women to save himself money. He’ll do the same again.
Give him appropriate notice and move on.

No way should you give him the full amount.

With what you said he should just about have enough to get somewhere else to live. It really isn't your problem! He is not your child.

You are allowed to break up with him and it is up to him as an adult to sort out his new living accommodation. Do not worry about him! And do not let him guilt trip you!

THanks, that is exactly what I need to hear. Writing it down also helped.

MrDarcyWillBeMine - I just feel we are not compatible, we are not suited to each other. He has expectations I cannot fulfill and vice versa. I feel I was somewhat forced to ask him to move in together. Basically, he told me that if we continued the way we did (living in different parts of the city and me having, according to him, "so much stuff to do without him (hobby twice a week and additional meetings with friends etc 2-4 times per month)), he would not be able to put up with it anymore (e.g. spending so little time together, according to him) and we would break up. I did not see it as problem myself, to be honest, as I really do not need to spend every waking moment with my boyfriend, but he wants to spend all free time together; but I did not want to break up at the time either. But he did not offer any solutions to his problem. So I eventually offered we should move in together. After he said that yes, he agrees, then it took like nearly two months for us to decide where to live - whether to rent a new apartment, move into his or into mine. He said we should not rent a new one, as it would be too expensive, let''s just try it out first in one of the existing apartments. Then we discussed the pros and cons of both of our apartments (even writing these down) and in my opinion it was really a mutual decision to move into mine. I even asked him if he is 100% sure he wants to do it, because if we would break up, he would have to find a place to be etc. He did not want to discuss such scenario at all, but said that yes he is sure.

But he doesnt need a flat, he could go into a house share or buy with friends or luve with relatives. Anyway, his situation is not your problem. He’s a grown up.

So he strong armed you into living together. He sounds like a limpet.

He's a grown adult who can fund his life as easily as you. Not tour problem if he's rather spend it on other stuff than making sure he invests in something like you have. Plus he pushed for you to love together and he's stifling you.

He has some tendencies to be rather self-absorbed, needy, clingy, and whiney, although he has very caring, loving and helpful side as well.

He has basically no friends and he has no hobbies, thus he has a lot of free time after work and he would prefer me to spend it all with him. I have managed to keep my own friends and hobbies, although it required a lot of guilty feelings from my side as he always managed to turn into sad little abandoned kid when I told him I go to see friends or so. It has improved a lot recently, but it is still on my mind all the time. He also sometimes whines that he has no friends and all of his friends have left him, but he does not try to make contact with them himself. He gets annoyed when I subtly or less subtly push him to make contact. One of his best friend has tried several times to meet up during the past month or so, but he has turned him down (yes, I did the bad thing and read his messenger because I actually wanted to know whether it is true his friends do not ask him out). In the beginning I tried to push him to find a hobby or activity to do, so he would not feel so lonely when I do my hobby or see my friends, but he always managed to find excuses why this or that was not suitable to him and finally got really irritated. So I quit doing that. Now he just lies on the couch when I am not at home, expects me to show him lots of love, romance and care, has even accused me of not finding activities to do together (although most of the (new, interesting, exciting) activities during past months have been initiated by me). I have attended all of his family events during the last year (4-6 events or so), and now I told him I want to stay home alone on Sunday when he goes to his mother's birthday. Because I have basically no alone time at the apartment (only a few work day mornings every week, but these do not count as I hate mornings and these last like 30-60 minutes only until I have to go work) and I actually want a lot alone time, but I can't just kick him out if he has nothing to do or nowhere to go. He said fine about me not coming to the birthday, but still managed to make me feel guilty by saying how much he has to explain to her mother now why I'm not coming (which is not true, as his family is rather laid back in terms of who visits the family events and who doesn't, which I have witnessed myself and which he has told me several times. I guess it is that way only if he does not want to attend...).

Anyway, he manages to make me feel guilty with so many things, so no wonder I feel guilty about the money issue. But I really really want to break myself free from this weird relationship :( But, writing it all down really helps! So thank you for letting me do it and thank you for your advice and comments!

He sounds whiny and awful and I don't blame you for wanting out. 600 quid to help him with a deposit, if you are feeling bad about it and want to soften the blow, seems like a good use of money..

Do you usually feel so guilty for other people?

Or just him?

Aussiebean - I tend to feel guilty for other people as well, but it has improved during the recent years. For example, when I was younger I felt guilty for things even if the person did not show any signs of being upset or sad or so. Now I feel guilty if I truly see that person is sad or says something that makes me feel guilty. I try not to, but it takes more time to become a guilt-free person, I guess. When I was 20-21 I had a low-level depression (my headache therapist discovered it) and I was directed to a psychologist and there it turned out that I have some wrong, negative thoughts in my head, including feeling guilty in situation where I should not feel guilty. The psychologist helped me alot in various topics and since then I've become much stronger, confident etc person. I reckognise the situations where feeling guilty (or ashamed or whatever negative feeling) is inappropriate and I manage to deal very well with these situation now in general, but if someone triggers somehow these previous, overwhelming feelings, I find it difficult to ignore the guilty feeling. I mean, I know that it is perfectly fine if I do not want to attend a birthday or if I want to hang out with my friends and I do not feel guilty (only a tiny bit, which I guess is ok) if such things would happen with my good friends or family, because they see it as perfectly normal thing also. But my boyfriend reacts to these things exactly like I used to thought that someone would react if I said no and thus the extreme level of guilt (sad, whiny, end-of-the-world-look on his face etc). I think I just generally feel sad and guilty in front of him, I think I pity him. He has told me many heart-breaking stories of him being bullied at school and all of his girlfriends have left him and he has lost all of his friends etc. And then he does all these good things to me - gives me a massages, washes dishes, brings flowers, takes me out dinner. But when I really ask him to do something - then he procrastinates. Whether the thing is for his, mine or our both sake.

Oh. That explains rather a lot.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Nothing.

Just tell him it’s over and he needs to move out this weekend. He could take the essentials and stay at his Mums and then give him a time limit to collect the rest.

You let whiny boy push you into living together, he’d drive a saint mad! Get him out and get on with living your life. Give him
his share of the joint savings, but keep any back for upcoming bills he needs to contribute to.

Stress not. He’ll be just fine.

Oh I had one like this. Lying around waiting for me to finish work, no interests, no friends, never wanted to do anything apart from hang around me. It’s suffocating.

You have nothing to feel guilty about! When you look back you will regret not ending it earlier.

29 is young enough for him to move on and a get a life, including his own flat. Better to part now than to stay together and regret it in a few years.

It's good that you care about him though. It's not easy splitting up.

"all of his girlfriends have left him"

And now you know why!

Anniegetyourgun - I guess so :D

Gosh he has a well-developed victim complex, doesn't he?

He's previously lived with all of his other girlfriends - who have all dumped him. Is it because they got fed up, like you, when they realised that he was a whiny leech who had emotionally blackmailed his way into living with them and wants to live cheaply on someone else's graft so that he can piss his money away every month?

Tell him he needs to move out - it's not your responsibility to manage his money. He can stay with his parents until he gets himself back on his feet (aka finds another woman to leech from).

He seems so good and OK sometimes, and then again he does something that blows my mind. I guess I do things like this to him as well (e.g. I once told him that I would want an hour per day of silence so that we would not talk to each other minding our own business (as there is no separate room in the apartment and I just needneedneed some silence and me-time, but I cannot get it), he was shocked that someone could ask something like this). So yeah, we just do not match...
What triggered me to write it down now, is the fact that I told him some days ago that i do not want to go to his mother's birthday as I want to take the advantage of the situation and be alone at home. He said OK. But yesterday evening he told me that "if you do something fun during the day, please do not tell me, as I would feel bad then". I was like wtf? seriously? Then he went more precise, saying that "do not do anything that we have planned to do together, because then I would feel bad that you do not want to do these things with me". I told him that 'yeah, fine, but I do not remember everything we have planned, I can only recall two things really that we have actually planned to do someday, so could you be more specific which activities you have in mind?' he said that no, he has no list in his mind. Then I said that he is setting impossible condition for me to follow, because how would I know what he has thought, what activities we should do together? with such condition I would feel like there is nothing I can do - just in case. What if I decided to go the movies and it turns out later that he once mentioned that we should go to see that movie together but I did not remember it or he just thought about it, without telling me the idea? Then he got irritated and told me that I do not understand him and I should just forget about it.

How long has he lived with you for?

I don't blame you for wanting the place to yourself - he'd drive me nuts.

And never feel guilty for being good with money and buying yourself somewhere to live.

He's not your problem, not your responsibility. You have no reason to feel guilty and you don't owe him fuck all. You really need to harden up or people will take the piss out you, as he has done. Fuck him off out the door and give yourself a high five.

Ah so he's not whiney, he's actually controlling. Don't feel sorry for him, he's abusive! And I can promise you had you been more vulnerable as a person he'd have ended up isolating you from everyone speaks from bitter experience

Oh and they're all good/ok at least some of the time - very few people are 100% awful to everybody or they'd never get a partner.

He sounds a nightmare! You have nothing to feel guilty about.