I can't tell whether I love him or I'm just stuck in a routine

[Anon0998]

Hello everyone, so I thought I'd come here as I just dont know what to do I'm very confused. I have been with my boyfriend for three years (since I was 17) and I have lived with him from a month into our relationship (due to personal issues at home) he's my best friend and sometimes we have great moments but my family don't really like him and think that he is manipulative. Over the three years I have progressed loads to the point I am now at uni and doing quite well and starting to make new friends (we both became quite isolated from our friends) but he still expects me to do everything for him, kicks off about where his dinner is, why things haven't been tidied and today I said to him "please stop talking to me like that you're not my dad" and he went "yes I am I need to have you under control I've been to easy on you" wtf is that supposed to mean??? Some days I tell myself that this is just adult life and to get on with it but then I get quite depressed. I had two m/c last year and have gained about 3 stone it makes me feel like if I left him I wouldn't be able to find anyone new , but every time I'm round him I seem to eat more I'm not sure if it's a comfort eating thing, sometimes I wish I had never met him because it wouldn't be so difficult to make a decision now (fyi I've been feeling like this since about 6 weeks into the relationship but thought "oh it's fine I'm overexaggerating I can always leave if it gets really bad "but I think things have gotten so deep I can't tell if I'm just in a normal relationship or I should've left ages ago, I have suggested we both live separately again, him go live with his mum or on his own and me in uni halls but he didn't like that. I sometimes feel like I might want to do more things on my own or experience new relationships but he always seems to pull me back in, any advice would be great I guess

At age 20 you absolutely have other options, and by the sounds of it, much better ones.

I was with the wrong person for 7 years from 18-25. Much as we had good times together I bitterly regret not ending it sooner, I lost so much time I'll never get back.

Anyone who says 'I need to get you under control' may as well be jumping up and down waving a red flag in each hand.

Of course he doesn't want you to live in halls. Who would cook his dinner and tidy his place? Really not sounding like a good deal for you.

That is no way to live. It sounds terrible. Not surprised you're comfort eating, it's such a depressing situation and you really, really don't need to stay in a relationship like that.

You're young and have your whole life ahead of you, make the most of it and ditch this controlling man now before you waste any more time.

What?!?! Go and live in uni halls. Honestly life is too short. You are 20years old and have your life ahead of you dont give it away to a controlling dickhead who wants you as his maid. This is not normal. You should be happy, excited to spend time with someone, hopeful about your future together, on the same page as each other. Get rid and get on with YOUR life.

Oh, and this is NOT a normal healthy relationship, get out whilst you can still recognise that.

Yes, you need to get out and free yourself of him. Make all your arrangements first, quietly. Some get violent when you try to leave. Telling you he’s ‘been too easy on you’ is a hint at his attitude - what does he think he has to do to get or keep you ‘under control’. Talk to someone - Women’s Aid, counselling for students, get what help you can.

What you’ve described is not normal adult life at all!! Don’t chuck your life away on this idiot! Move into uni halls and enjoy yourself. You get one shot at doing this Uni fun thing. Don’t waste it. I did and bitterly regret it. I lived with my BF rather than living in halls and I didn’t make any friends at uni because I was too wrapped up in being a girlfriend.

wtf is that supposed to mean???

It means he wants to control you and plans to control you more.

Please leave. You'll be so much happier.

You’re so young and have all your life infrint if you. Please leave this man, he’s being horrible to you.

You’ll be so much happier in the long run.

This is awful, OP. Like you say, you have new friends and other options now, and he can feel you don't need him as much. So his reaction is to pin you down harder by making sure you are home all the time, with cooking and cleaning being the excuse. Please use contraception wisely and make arrangements for somewhere else to live ASAP.

You are far too young to be tied to this tyrant. I'm also horrified that you had two miscarriages last year, please don't allow yourself to become pregnant again, there's plenty of time for babies.

The best course, as others suggest, would be to part from him. Don't leave it too long!

Yeah he wants you as a maid. Fuck that! go live your life.

You don't need to arrange his living accommodation. You just need to arrange yours.

I advise you to make sure your birth control is in place and get the hell away from this person as fast as you can.

He absolutely wants to control you. He definitely wants you to sacrifice all your needs to serve his. And who the hell wants to be in a relationship with someone who wants to act like their dad?! That's some weird shit.

Stress eating is a thing. I believe you will lose the weight naturally, starting with getting rid of 10+ stone of him.

I was a size 18 when I met my husband. I've lost weight (he didn't care) I've gained weight (he still didn't care). Don't let worries about a future potential mate put you off ditching this sack of shite.

Well done for getting into uni. Good luck getting away from this pathetic man.

Leave him now. This is now what a relationship should look like. I’m sure your mum will help you get out of this situation. I’d want my dD to talk to me.

You are soooo young you have plenty of time to find someone normal better!

This is so sad OP. This isnt adult life you need to break away now

This isn't adult life. Well, it is if you choose to shackle yourself to an ass hat. You're only 20? I wish wish wish mumsnet had existed when I was 20. I would have listened to the advice of old (er) ladies and saved myself years of heartache. There are better men out there, I promise.

OP I feel for you as the other PP have stated you are so young and need to leave. You literally have your whole life ahead of you and as you say, you’re doing well for yourself - if you stay he will drag you down to his level in which you’ll find it impossible to leave.

I was with an ex for a year and half and he was emotionally abusive when I was 17, he was truely awful. He broke me as a person, in which I really believed nobody would want me and I was hideous. He actually left me but it was a huge blessing in disguise - I’ve been with my amazing DP coming upto 8 years, have a LO on the way, a mortgage and a good career. If I stayed with that twat (he really was) I’d have wasted even more time with him, he literally sucked the life out of me. Don’t let your bf do this to you, I promise you’re worth so much more

You are seeing the light. You are so young . Move on . Please.