How to make peace with being a single mum?

[TatlN]

I have just come out of a very short relationship with someone who I thought was a wonderful caring person but turned out to be controlling and a liar. Prior to that I was in a relationship with my children’s father who was abusive and controlling with mental health problems. I seem to attract these type of men where as previous relationships before these 2 were not with abusive partners. I am due to go on the freedom Programme which I’m hoping will help me but I feel I am a serial monogamist who hates being alone. I don’t want to be with just anyone and I especially don’t want to bring another person into my children’s lives unless I am sure . That brings me back to my original question how can I make peace with being a single mum? I have such low self esteem and feel very low after the most recent betrayal that the future feels bleak right now. All I have ever wanted was to have a happy little family. (Please don’t comment if your intention is to be unkind as I am really hoping for some friendly advice)

My mum is a single mum. Although she would have loved support, I think in some ways it was good to have the deciding voice (but she does now struggle to remember that is no longer the case).

I don't know how I would have felt if she had had a serious long term partner who could tell me what to do. I was happy. My brother was less so. I'm not being super helpful.

I would suggest counselling to work on your self esteem. And deffo do the Freedom Programme - it is invaluable.

I have been a single mother for eons - it is fine. There are many advantages - the main one, no longer being with a controlling, abusive arse.

You need to find confidence in yourself and not weigh your worth by the value others put upon you.

I'm a single parent and have a very happy little family of two - me and my son.

First thing that sprung to my mind was time.

How long was the gap between the breakdown of your relationship with your children's father and the start of the very short relationship you mentioned?

I've been a single mum for nearly 2.5yrs now... and whilst I was absolutely devastated to begin with, over time I've made peace with it and recognise the relationship I was in was abusive and I'm far better off and happier out of it.

Due to my upbringing, and family beliefs (some religious) I felt I'd let everyone including myself down.

Being a single mother was the last thing I wanted, or expected. But in hindsight it's probably one of the best things to have happened to me.

My DD & I are amazingly close, I love the life me and her live and we are both happy and in good places.

As they say... time really is a great healer and if you've had a rough time of it, take some time out. Focus on your kids. Make their childhood as happy as you can so they look back with fond memories.

That's what I hope to achieve with my DD.

It is hard, I know. And sounds like early days for you so

It does get easier though, with time.

I think what helped me was realising that happy little family unit isn't as commonplace as you grow up to believe. Everyone has issues, even the ones that look perfect from the outside.

Many people find that even if they are happy enough to stay in their relationship, they are still single parents for all intents and purposes anyway. They do all the wifework, take on all the respinsinlbility and stress but its Ok because they aren't being abused. I think its worse to be in that situation.

People used to stay together because that was the done thing. Families all looked the same from the outside but there must have been a lot of unfulfilled people in older generations.

How lucky am I that I was able to recognise he was an abusive shit and I am a mid-thirties woman in 2019 when going it alone is much more accepted. I feel lucky that I don't have to compromise myself in anyway for someone who makes me unhappy.

Yeah it'd have been lovely if he turned out to not be a twat and we lived together, sharing the load equally. But I would rather have this single mum life than anything less than that.

And most importantly, realising, it's not my fault he turned out to be a twat. And if I had been clever enough to spot the red flags before we had DD, well then I wouldn't have my DD, who is half him but is wonderful.

So I accepted my lot is no worse than other people's who actually have that family unit. And after a while of rocking it by yourself, your confidence comes back. It's qmazing how good you can feel about yourself when you realise you've got this on your own.

I now have a new partner. I love him, we're happy. It's not perfect all of the time but I know I'm Ok on my own.

You seem to be looking to fill a void in yourself op.

You're vulnerable and likely to ignore red flags for the sake of having someone, which is why you have pattern of abuse.

One person can't complete another, and if you live your life putting your self esteem and happiness in the hands of others you will always be at their mercy.

Learn how to embrace your independence and freedom...Spend time with friends and maybe find a hobby or course in a subject you're interested in.

I think counselling would be very beneficial, and get exercising to boost your body image and mood.

Once you're entirely confident you're happy alone and no longer craving a relationship, then you know you're ready for a relationship. Does that make sense?

Beak this cycle, make 2019 the year to do it.

Good luck

I think doing new things helps. I feel dead proud when I achieve some DIY that STBXH would have insisted on doing and messing up. I have redecorated and enjoyed not having to bow to someone else’s taste. I took my kids on a foreign holiday and got to drive the hire car myself! I think as a couple you fall into roles and there are things you stop doing as the other person feels they are better placed and you lose confidence. I think challenging yourself to for eg go on a trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go makes you feel a sense of achievement if you’ve been used to someone else taking over / overruling your decisions / insisting on doing the driving! Setting an exercise goal or learning something new. If you are happy your kids will be happy. And they will grow up to be independent and self reliant because they will see that you don’t need someone else to lean on. I went to a festival with 3 couples and all our kids and it was fun but it was really hard work setting up and packing up mostly on my own. In fact it took so long my friends went off to see bands and I was still going! I felt like I was always holding people up because there was one of me and they were all in pairs sharing the jobs. But afterwards my friends all said how amazing they thought I was, how they wouldn’t consider camping on their own and would find that terrifying and I realised how differently we saw the same experience. I only saw the negative how it was easier for those in couples but they looked at me doing it solo and felt inadequate. And that’s when I realised they saw me as the confident one although I didn’t feel like that at all. And now I look back and think yes it was an achievement to do that and I have ‘got this’ on my own.

Time has helped me massively (nearly five years)
It's not always easy but I am happier than I'd ever have been had I stayed.
If you use social media this woman is worth checking out. I did her parent leadership course and am in her groups on FB
She also has a webpage ninafarr.com

www.facebook.com/visionpurposepassion/
Very down to earth, very real as is a single parent.
Happy to chat more when it's not midnight!

I was a single parent from when my youngest was 10 years old and to honest it was hard at first I won't lie it was hard work. However both my DC's have done very well both have become fabulous adults in good jobs and making good lives for themselves. I've done an incredible job with them both with not much impute from their useless abusive father ( he was around for fun visits and outings but not much more). No monetary help at all. I had some times when I was so lonely I thought I'd break but rather that than be bashed and abused by a useless twat. No point in being with someone if it's just because you don't want to be alone. I'm proud to say I did it alone and I deserve to be. Embrace it and remember you don't need another person to complete you. Work on yourself and put your DC's first. Good luck

Well done on the program.
I think if you want the happy ever after being single for well over 2 years is crucial.
The main goal is building yourself up. Then you will see the signs quicker.
I was single for years as any man that came along just was not good enough I have a standard of wanting to be treated right.
Now I’m with the nicest man in the world no joke.
My friend has been in one bad relationship after another since she was a teen. She can’t be alone. So she puts up with some crap I honestly couldn’t live like that. She’s miserable and snappy with me and bad mouths me as a way of taking out her life frustrations I’m a target.
She’s getting married to someone she dsnt love with the attitude no one else will want me.
In the end if you don’t work on yourself and love yourself enough to
Not let bad people in.
For me that did require lots of duds some of these dudes literally expect you to just shag them like wtf I had to tell so many guys to actually fuck off. So telling and having strength in myself to get them away from me when I was dating left room for someone good to come along.

I think doing new things helps. I feel dead proud when I achieve some DIY that STBXH would have insisted on doing and messing up. I have redecorated and enjoyed not having to bow to someone else’s taste. I took my kids on a foreign holiday and got to drive the hire car myself! I think as a couple you fall into roles and there are things you stop doing as the other person feels they are better placed and you lose confidence. I think challenging yourself to for eg go on a trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go makes you feel a sense of achievement if you’ve been used to someone else taking over / overruling your decisions / insisting on doing the driving! Setting an exercise goal or learning something new. If you are happy your kids will be happy. And they will grow up to be independent and self reliant because they will see that you don’t need someone else to lean on. I went to a festival with 3 couples and all our kids and it was fun but it was really hard work setting up and packing up mostly on my own. In fact it took so long my friends went off to see bands and I was still going! I felt like I was always holding people up because there was one of me and they were all in pairs sharing the jobs. But afterwards my friends all said how amazing they thought I was, how they wouldn’t consider camping on their own and would find that terrifying and I realised how differently we saw the same experience. I only saw the negative how it was easier for those in couples but they looked at me doing it solo and felt inadequate. And that’s when I realised they saw me as the confident one although I didn’t feel like that at all. And now I look back and think yes it was an achievement to do that and I have ‘got this’ on my own.

@northernglam put it perfectly for me. I have been a single mum for a year now, although they do see a lit of their dad. He was a crap husband but thankfully a good dad. Is this was I wanted or imagined me me and my kids? No, it's not but I am damn well embracing it and making the most of it! I did date for a few months but have stopped now as I find my self esteem is healthier when I'm not trying to find someone else to make me happy. I am responsible for that and I am doing a pretty good job.
I also took my two kids to a festival in the summer with friends (couples) and all their kids and we had a wonderful time. The kids saw that I was a capable, independent mum who knew how to have fun and I learned so much about myself.
This year I am taking them to Wales, Cyprus and France. All with family of some sort but with just me as the parent and I can't wait! I am also going to drive a hire car, which I always left to my ex!

Take some time out to work on yourself and get to know yourself better...not as part of someone else but as you x

And most importantly, realising, it's not my fault he turned out to be a twat. And if I had been clever enough to spot the red flags before we had DD, well then I wouldn't have my DD, who is half him but is wonderful.
This from @dontcallmedaisy is a good thing to remind yourself. I'm remembering it for myself