Is my husband being unreasonable or am I?

[bighair21]

A couple of months ago, dh and I nearly split up due to his unreasonable behaviour (he admitted it too). Very controlling and judgmental and punishing. Things have been better recently but he's now moved to a different job within the same organisation and he's becoming a nightmare again. This has been the pattern for years - he has job stress, everything at home goes pear shaped. Two days ago, I took dd for a kidney scan and was really worried about it - she has history of constipation and urine infections. She then had her first haircut and taster afternoon at her new school. Big day for all. Scan was fine and I left message on his phone to let him know. At lunch time, he arrived home and I said to hime "do you notice anything different about dd?" He snapped back, "just tell me" and was in a mood so I just ignored him and he left. He got home and still didn't ask about the day so I asked him what was going on at lunch time. He said that he was in the middle of his working day and couldn't talk to me at all - not for a second and I was unreasonable to expect a reasonable two minute exchange with him. He's now really stressed and flipped out at me and screamed at me within an inch of my face. I ran away upstairs and next morning I thought he would apologise - no he wouldn't - said I deserved it for nagging him. He's now said I don't give him support and I am to leave him alone and the only way I can help him is to do what he asks me to do. I asked him what he meant by this and he said he didn't know. It's basically back to the same old crap when he gets stressed at work I become a single parent again and have my very small needs ignored until he snaps out of it - which has taken years before.

Am I not being supportive enough maybe and is it reasonable for him to back off from his family like this?

Please help - really confused.

He's a bully.

Have you asked him if he'd like to see a man treat his dd's the way he treats you?Because that is what will happen if he keeps it up.They'll grow up thinking that it is alright to let a man bully them & destroy their self esteem.

You have been more than supportive.He sounds totally unreasonable & a nightmare to live with.

I hope that things improve for you & your family.

PP, sorry to hear that you're going though this aswell. Our situations do sound alike. How come they want an apology from us? I feel exactly the same as you in that I feel I must be going mad because I just don't understand. One day, maybe they'll realise that work is not the most important thing in life - but by then, it may be too late. Do you mind me asking - are you throwing him out?

Thats true expatsinscotland, but when you're in that kind or relationship, I think sometimes its difficult to see the wood from the trees and you don't tend to realise your being emotionally abused, ifywim

yeah, we had the depression thing too

I remember all that, newlife.

I bet you too, that if any of you decide to 'throw him out' he'll stick around like a bad smell.

Don't think that if you can get shouty and narky then it must be half your fault. Shouting is not effective communication, of course, but these manipulative, needy self-obsessives don't leave us with much option.

I could still be found shouting at my ex even in the days when he was hurting me physically too. Madness but true.

big - you've really started something here and I'll be watching this thread with interest as I can empathise with alot of it.

As time goes on your self esteem will erode and Expat, as usual, is spot on.

Purplepocket - we've got the same husband - hell, I'm made to think I'm going bonkers for daring to think of something I might need! And, yep, no support at all.

All work has its stresses and if he finds it that hard he should find another job. Offloading onto you doesn't help you, your family, or him.

Tackle him fast or start considering other options. Hope it works out for you big - you sound like a lovely person.

BH, he's not actually living with me at the moment, he left then wanted to come back..we've tried relate etc but he still doesn't 'get it'..just blames me for all his shortcomings...I'm tired of it now, so I've basically told him its over..he changed for a couple of months, but as they say a leopard never changes their spots and the dark side always creeps back in..

You're right AGH. I have just read the OP back and I know what advice i would give to others. There's always a lurking feeling that i have given an unbalanced view of what happened - but it does seem spot on. I sounds so weak and pathetic - just don't want two failed marriages behind me.

Hiya expat. I see him occasionally now. He's out of my life but will always be dad to the dcs so we have contact. Amazingly ( again) the depression has lifted and he is thinking about work. Yes! real work! No longer needing me to carry him his life seems to be slotting into place.

Still don't trust him and never will, but it is curious how he suddenly snapped out of being entirely dysfunctional emotionally and practically without me to bully and depend upon.

Leaving a relationship that hurts you is not a failure. Quite the reverse. But admittedly it takes guts.

This is my second marriage too so I know exactly how you feel about not wanting two failed marriages behind you

I really hate men who manipulate like that. I'm depressed so that forgives all the shitty, thoughtless things i've done.

No it doesn't.

bighair - my counsellor says that a lot of women who leave abusive relationships struggle with the 'time wasted' aspect. You invest a lot in a family and a partnership and to have that eroded to nothing twice is very tough. I've been divorced also, slightly differnt problems but I think they all stem from my low self esteem.

Thanks so much MV - sorry to hear that your husband is work obsessed too. What is it with some men and work? I've told him that if he left tomorrow, the organisation would still function without him so why put it before his family - he doesn't get it.

PP, you sound like you're being really strong and I think I agree with you when you say that "a leopard never changes its spots". Hope it all works out for you.

NLNN - sorry to hear about your stuff too. How do you think your low self-esteem has contributed to relationship difficulties - just interested to hear your ideas about this.

Alot of his anger stems from work (heavy job without much respect) and his own low self esteem.

When partners are giving so much support why is then thrown back in your face. It's daft.

I've often found myself apologising to my dh for his own bad behaviour. Also daft.

Big Hair - you've been through it once, you can do it again if you have to. I think you're anything but weak or pathetic, just very tired.

Thanks MV - you speak wise words!

Think I'm gonna hit the sack now. Thanks to everyone for their support. Will report back with more news.

Night night all.

Okay, well I hope this isn't so personal/individual that it becomes irrelevant...

My father did a good job of undermining me and trashing my self esteem as a child and still tries it on now. Essentially, he withholds all praise and gives limited affection.

My relationships are not a direct repetition of this father/daughter scenario but they are probably the product of it.

I am pretty high achieving and quite a perfectionist. I make sure that the things I do, I do very well. I wind up with men who need me to take care of them in some way. Some have been successful in their careers others have been struggling 'artistes'. In one way or another I have fulfilled some vital role for my partner. With my ex I did EVERYTHING from housekeeping to breadwinning. I even made every single phonecall that ever needed to be made, including calling up for take away! He was pathetic.

I think that in some perverse way I needed to be needed in some way and that I raise my own esteem by being with somebody quite flawed and needy. I absolutely do NOT do this consciously and I recall quite clearly seriously bemoaning the lack of equality within my last relationship. I crave equality, emotionally and practically but I never achieve it because I either go for somebody who I respect and put on a huge pedestal or who I know is a failure and against whom I can appear more 'valued'.

Having met many women who have come out of abusive relationships I'd say there is definitely a 'type' of woman who ends up in this situation. They can be successful, lucky, unlucky, career driven, family women, wealthy, on benefits, whatever, but they all undervalue themselves underneath whatever public persona they project. They can also sometimes be quite manipulative themselves in their need to achieve approval and acceptance.

There are a lot of grey areas and it is very complex but I do believe abusive men seek out, consciously or otherwise, women who have a little emotional hole that keeps them weak and keeps them needing not to fail, to be seen as a success and therefore to stay with the veneer that is a happy family life.

Until you sort yourself out you will just keep repeating the pattern.

I have fab DH. Two complete and utter arseholes before that. I am what changed.

If you want your dd to grow up and find a similar waste of space for her very own carry on because it is affecting her too. I know i've been that child. Get him hoofed. You will feel great.

I decided no more"fixer uppers" and I found a good 'un. I used to be surrounded by people I could feel needed by, that I could help. Once I sorted myself out I found I was actually surrounded by emotional leeches.

That's always been another huge problem in our relationship...its not equal at all and he really doesn't support me at all. I have sat back and asked myself exactly what he brings to our marriage and I struggled to come up with anything, which is very sad It has made me realise I am on my own, i have been on my own and that I can cope on my own...after everything I have been through in the last couple of years, I can cope with anything.

He too needed me to do everything for him..his was extremely mollycoddled (sorry not sure if I've spelt that right) by his mother - infact she was never even disagree with him or guide him in anyway, ifywim. So if feels like he 'expects' the same treatment from a partner/wife...he needs someone there supporting his every move and with 3 kids already, I'm tired of it now. When I have challenged him in hte past about this and told him that he doesn't do anything he throws back at me, 'oh I don't do anything?!?! I just go to work, pay the mortgage, bills etc...fine, I'll just give up work then so I can be at home with you to do the housework!!!' That was a repeated cycle...I tried just shutting up and getting on with it to keep the peace, but it totally consumed me and after having my 3rd child it just completely sent me into the depths of depression

Really sorry, I've rambled again!! However, I've realised he will NEVER get it as we both expect entirely different things from a relationship..very sad, but very true

ProjectIcarus is right, you do have to change things in you inorder to stop repeating the same patterns.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today bighair??

BH - your DH sounds like a carbon copy of my ex H.

Work consumed everything. He was always having a crisis whereas anything that I had going on was minimised.

Was constantly critical of the house despite us both working full time with two young DSs.

I used to call him an anally retentive control freak amongst other things. He also had depression for many years and used this as an excuse for many things but refused to sought treatment. Also withdrew affection/sex for the last five years of our relationship.

I am so glad I am out, he still tries to make snide remarks about my house although he knows I am mainly consumed with looking after the children and working full time.

It was either get out or lose my sanity. In the end he forced the issue by not paying the mortgage for several months forcing us to sell the house.