Scared of never meeting the right guy

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I know there are no guarantees in life. But I am absolutely petrified of not meeting the right man. I'm not a co-dependent type of person. And I know a man shouldn't complete your life. I'm very independent and busy. Yet I am lonely and want to experience love, and settle down with the right guy and start a family.

I'm 34. My relationships have never been more than 2 years. I have tried to give it a go with a few guys who didn't tick all the boxes - I thought the spark might develop. But it never did. I have fancied only three guys in my entire life. And it's important for me to fancy a man to be in love and want to marry him. Of course, there are other crucial traits I'm looking for in a man, which I can find, but it's usually the fancying box that doesn't get ticked. Maybe I need to compromise on that? But if you don't fancy your partner, if there is no desire, then what's the point? I've been with men I don't fancy, who I don't want to have sex with, and it just feels like a boring friendship.

My looks are fading. I'm not a shallow person at all. But I used to get so much interest - now I don't. The choice is even less.

I'm really scared, and I know that sounds silly, but I've always wanted a husband and family. I've always wanted to be in love.

I am in the process of making positive changes in my life, following an emotionally unavailable man/abusive relationship last year. I felt more for him than any man I've known although he made me feel old and unattractive. In fact, I don't see why men would be interested in me anymore. Aren't they mostly all shallow and about looks?

On the plus side, I'm told I'm attractive, fun, kind and caring. I have a great family, good circle of friends, lots of hobbies and interests. I want to travel - preferably with the right guy. I have a good career and I am financially stable.

I need to get back on OLD but am super scared all the guys my age will want women in their 20s. And I'll be left with a wading pool of men I simply don't fancy.

I am so down about it - can anyone offer any kind words and support?

Bumping

It sounds like you have low self confidence and that the ea relationship hasn't helped on that front. It is hard to find a good man, but if you set out with low confidence I imagine it's almost impossible. When you feel good about yourself you are much more likely to meet and attract someone compatible. I went through similar in my 30s. I went through lots of counselling and self help books and did in the middle of all that find my now DH at 36, got married at 39, had DCs at 40 (IVF). So it's completely possible to find a good man, but I think you need to work on yourself and look after yourself a bit first. Good luck

I meant to say low self esteem not confidence, although the two are related of course.

Are your hobbies ones that get you to mix with men and women ( eg via a club) IRL ? Take part, have fun, Do not think about relationships and I give it a year .

That last guy did a number on you and destroyed your self esteem.

Get out there - dating, activities, groups.

34 is so young. Women in their thirties are so so attractive. Start working in building yourself back up!

Yes build yourself up. I'm glad you are aware of all your positive qualities but maybe some counselling would raise your self esteem. I AM codependent and am currently doing the 12 step workbook by melody beattie. I ended up in an abusive relationship at 35 and these steps are a game changer for me in terms of recovering from it and making sure I don't end up in similar again.

In fact, I don't see why men would be interested in me anymore. Aren't they mostly all shallow and about looks?

Oh come on. I am short, fat, ugly and annoying (not to mention 12) years older than you), been split from my husband for 3.5 years - and six months ago my friend set me up with possibly the most amazing man i have ever met. We are very happy!

Just get back out there, have some fun, kiss some frogs, and make your own happy ending.

Hi op. I'm 38, have a ds11, lone parent, few awful relationships behind me. Feel the same as you. I'm lonely, would love to meet someone. But I'm scared i never will.

I think I have so much to offer yet no one to give to. I'm told I'm attractive, intelligent, funny, great company, loyal and understanding. I have a lot of love to give but feel like time is running out for me. I would have loved to have had more children but i doubt that will happen now.
I seem to attract unsuitable men, my ex was abusive and violent. I feel wary of men and am extremely wary of who I bring into my son's life.

You sound great. Pp is right. Your confidence has taken a battering. Get out there and be brave about meeting new people. It's the only way.
Good luck xx

Oh and please don't settle for a man you don't fancy!! That would be insane
You cannot compromise on chemistry.

What are you talking about OP? Your looks are fading??? At 34??? You're just a baby! Look at Kylie (50?) Jane McDonald (55?) Keep an eye on the weight, a bit of exercise, hairdresser and a bit of makeup and off you go! Wish I was 34!

Agree with PP that guy has decimated your esteem - would be good to try to do some work on processing that and picking it apart, seeing that what he said isn’t true. 34 is not old! In fact you’re in your prime. Not all guys are obsessed with 20 somethings and looks only - personality, experience, knowledge, security are all very attractive and helpful when dating - you just need to get back to your normal confident self so you can project that to people you meet.

I went through a bit of a bumpy time with online dating when I was about 37/38 so I took a bit of time out, worked on my boundaries, and met someone lovely who I could almost have settled down with, just that our personalities weren’t quite a match so I couldn’t quite see it being forever. Then at 40 I met DP and I’m now living with him, pregnant and buying a house together at 41!

You have time, you are still young, you just need to heal and have faith in yourself, keep a steady hand through all the online dating stuff (my best dating mantra was a simple: NEXT!) and give yourself opportunities to meet guys in real life too, so you can get to know them beyond a profile (I met DP at work).

Stay strong!

Are your hobbies ones that get you to mix with men and women ( eg via a club) IRL ? Take part, have fun, Do not think about relationships and I give it a year

You give what a year @MIdgebaby? I've got friends who have many hobbies, out most nights of the week doing them, equal mix of men and women. Many of them have been single for 3, 4, 5, 8, 10 years. Many haven't been on a date in years, let alone an actual relationship.

There are absolutely NO guarantees.

Your looks don't fade at 34.
I'm 50 and still look pretty good.
You need to build up your self-esteem.
And even if you want a family, you don't really need a man.
It's the ideal of course but not necessary.
My best friend had her donor baby at 39.
Don't give up hope but do consider your options.

It's a bit of an old saying but you will meet the one when you are not focused on looking so do online dating if you feel it go about your daily life and it will happen x I wasn't looking and one day at work my now hubby turned up and I fell in love that was 10 years ago and we are still going strong x

Thank you so much everyone - your comments have really helped lift me out of this dark place I'm in

Yay!
Also my boss had a sperm donor baby at 46! And my friend from home who is also 41 and had many years of terrible man times is now lived up and pregnant, they conceived the first time! I know not everyone is that lucky and it’s worth being mindful/considering options but look after yourself, stay healthy and exercise, maybe get a fertility test to get a bit of a steer (I did and found it helpful). I think once you’ve put this ex to bed and remembered how awesome you are you’ll find you meet someone decent and it will feel very easy.

You are right where I was when I was 34 - you've described exactly how I used to feel. But I refused to give up hope and when I was 35 I went on one more internet date and met the funniest, warmest, most attractive man (I thought :) ) and we have been together ever since. 5 years later we have a house and 2 kids together. I thought soul mates and my own family had bypassed me, but I was wrong - and you are wrong too! Keep the faith and keep dating, I had to meet a lot of frogs before I met this guy, there are still plenty of good men out there!

Thank you both so much

If it helps any, I'm a 31yr old guy and feel basically the same way about myself and women. Definitely not alone!