Anyway managed build a friendship with ex after bitter divorce?

[Pinkwellies111]

I've been divorced/separated from ex husband for 2.5 years. A very quick divorce due to an OW and husband getting her pregnant during midlife crisis (or so it seems), 3 months after we split from our 23 year marriage (!!!)
The two of us have torn shreds off each other in the most despicable way (really due to there never having been a line drawn under the marriage nor anything having been discussed. He ran back to OW overseas to live a "not so greener life").
My two young adult children have suffered and want more than anything for their mum and dad to at least be civil when they see each other. To be honest, I agree as it's so exhausting and utterly childish.
Two problems however: OW wants hourly selfies of where and who he is with (she's admitted she's jealous of me... god knows why as I'm 15 years older and probably 15 stone heavier !!) and cannot bear him being anywhere near me and secondly, he's admitted to the children that he wishes he could turn the clocks back.
I would NEVER get back with him, but how do I build at least a civil relationship with him for the everyone's sake?
Anyone succeeded?

Excuse title typo!! "ANYONE" not "ANYWAY"! DOH!

If they live in another country- and your children are adults- why do you ever need to see him? Apart from at the wedding of your children, and by then and due to the situation I'd assume you'd be able to 'play nice' for the day?

He sees the children every two months when he flies over for 2 weeks.

Daughter is autistic so we are not dealing with independent adults.

How old are they? And does this happen in your home? I would be uncomfortable with that.

What I'm trying to get at is asking if anyone else has managed to become civil with an ex who shares children and will therefore always "be around", post a mucky divorce?

My answer is yes- but it takes work and willingness on both sides. And time. If you're still angry, then you need to try and agnore that. Eventually, the hurt fades, and a banal relationship can be reached, but you both have to want that. If one of you doesn't, then you can't force it

Im so sorry you have to go through this. My father did exactly this to my mum and us when I was a teenager. Like to a tee - had a new younger model + child and moved out of the country. It messed us all up for a long time. And our relationship has never been the same.

My mum however was brilliant. Never said a bad word about him or dragged us children into it.
My best advice - regardless of what he says or does HOLD YOUR TONGUE. I mean this in the best way possible. If he wants to argue and talk bad about you (or whatever seems to be the problem) let him, don't take the bait. Take the higher road and consider the impact on your children. I Imagine you have probably argued and yelled enough - let it be and seethe on your own. It is also not good for your health - you have suffered enough. Be cordial and don't rise to it. Your children will see through it all and love and respect you even more

Thanks @Justthoughts - do you parents speak now?

Yes they do! They didn't for many years though. Only the minimum contact they needed while we were still "children".
My dad was especially mad and bitter for some reason. Not really sure why, since he was the one that started it all... it was a very frustrating and difficult time, especially for my mum who was left high and dry to pick up the pieces of our broken family, so you have my deepest sympathies. I imagine this can't be easy for you and then to also have to be the mature person and take the high road... I have so much respect for mums like you and my mum - rest assured your children do as well

I have.

Takes a while. I left him, was awful for 1 year, could talk after 1.5 years, are friends now after 2. We did it for the children, both decided it would only harm them if we were enemies. We put them first and it has worked well.

As above. It's been 4 years. I text the OW he left me for almost every day, we joke and quite often 'poke fun' at my exh.
I don't quite have the same with exh but we are civil to each other and have no ill will. Feelings have gone. I have no hate, love or animosity towards them/him.
Lot of time and moving on has happened, we have a young child together so it needed to be this way really.
The biggest hurdle we have had to get past is knowing that what we say to each other is absolutely true and that there are no games being played or trying to get one over the other. Our conversations are real and mostly about our daughter.

Even on a relatively friendly divorce like the one I'm going through, there is a reason why you're divorcing, . Easier the longer it goes.

I split up with my ex reasonably amicably (he was cheating) so my situation is different, but we sat down early on and agreed that, as far as humanly possible, we’d put the kids at the centre of everything, and our choices and decisions would be heavily influenced by what was best for them. This refocused our whole relationship and we’re really good friends now. It required me to let go of a lot of my bitterness, but he was financially generous and I met someone new reasonably quickly which really helped me to move on. Anyway, it’s worked out really well and we all regularly spend time together. It is all a bit Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, but you know what? The kids are happy and they see us getting along. We might not be perfect role models, but we’re trying our best.