Red flags?

[sheffieldsweetheart]

I’m after some advice, I hope someone here may have had a similar experience.

I am 38 and have always seen children in my future. I have no reason to suspect that I have any fertility issues but equally I have not yet explored whether I do. I have been on the pill for years but would like to go off it ASAP. BF and I have been together for 4 years and have lived together for 2. We have always spoken about marriage and children but there often seems to be a reason (on his part) to wait. With the marriage thing he says he doesn’t want a fuss (he is introverted and suffers from anxiety). We are now engaged but I feel its only because I have been nagging for months. Anyway I hope we are actually going to set a date for this august so at least that is one thing achieved. In terms of having children though he always says that we should wait until we buy a place together (we currently rent). Unfortunately we are not quite in a financial position to do that yet and he doesn’t earn well (I earn more than him, my salary isn’t huge but I pay a larger share of our joint bills). He’s my soulmate and I love and adore him but recently some doubt has been creeping in, maybe because he has finally agreed that we can get married this year (we were meant to last year but he kind of had a freak out). He’s also suffers from panic attacks and general anxiety. I am worried that he might just keep putting off having kids and if we do end up having kids then I do wonder about his ability to look after me / children given that he doesn’t always cope well in everyday life. Sorry this is a bit jumbled just after some advice or a hand hold really. Are these red flags to anyone? Once again I really love this guy and cant imagine life without him.

What you write of the relationship is not a good basis at all re marriage and children. I think that if you do want both these things it will not be with this person ultimately. He will keep delaying things and I do wonder if he is really just stringing you along here. I also think that he is really neither husband or father material, he is just not cut out for being either.

What is he himself doing to address his anxiety and panic attacks; is he receiving attention for his mental health here from medically trained people?.

thanks atilla, so far he has not really addressed his mental health problems. He was a heavy weed smoker for many years but to his credit he has managed to quit this, its been a month now and I know he struggles without it but he is being disciplined. he is on a waiting list for CBT but lord knows how long that will take, could be months. he takes beta blockers for the panic attacks now but he wont take anti-depressants (the GP suggested these but didn't force him on them). I know he wants to confront his MH issues but i do wonder whether its too little too late type thing. I feel so guilty for having these doubts now, especially as we are now looking to set a date.

You have dated a druggie for nearly 4 years? Having dc with him is a bad idea.
It's a ltb from me.

Hi OP, let me start off by saying it will never be the perfect time to have kids. Unless you are rolling in money there will always be financial strains and a reason to put it off. As for waiting until you buy a house, how far away is that realistically? You're 38 and while woman can get pregnant into their 40's and there is fertility treatments out there do you want to be waiting until you're in your 40's to be trying to conceive? It's not just the fact that it gets harder to conceive as you get older there are many other factors to consider - increased risk of birth defects, miscarriage etc, plus fertility treatment is expensive and if you find out you need this help it will only add to the financial strain before any DC's come along. I'm not saying this to freak you out it's just how it is.

With regard to your DP's anxiety and panic attacks would he be willing to see someone about this? Going through major life changes like marriage, trying to conceive, getting pregnant, having a baby all bring additional stresses into life and it might be worth his while to speak to someone who can help ease his anxiety and this in turn could help if/when these life events happen.

If he's not willing to try and work on his anxiety and he's not willing to come to the party about you trying for a baby are you willing to potentially let having children go as a part of your life and move on to be with someone new who does want children or even look at doing it on your own?

For your own peace of mind you could look at getting your current fertility checked out, there are blood tests you can have done for this however you would need to come off your contraception for a number of months (3 if I remember correctly) so this can be done. During that time if he's not willing to wear a condom you could potentially fall pregnant during this time if you keep having sex.

A hand hold, & for you

thank you veyr much everyone whos commented. I think ultimately i know that I can't wait, I need to take control of my own destiny and I want children more than anything. I am already taking some steps re: my fertility and have appointment lined up (kick myself for not doing this sooner, its so scary how time passes you by and until maybe a year ago I still felt in the honeymoon stage wtih my BF). It has just sort of suddently hit me this year that may be he is not the right man for the rest of my life. But I am too scared to end things as I don't want to be on the shelf at 38!! And I hate dating esp the thought of online dating, it fills me with dread. So I think if I can keep him on the straight and narrow (with regards to the weed) and make him sort is anxiety or at least attempt to, then I feel like its worth persisting with and meanwhile I will just go off the pill. Argh its so hard. Sorry to moan

I divorced at 41 and met my now dh. We had a dc when I was 43!!
Don't have dc with the wrong man op.
Ime it's an absolute disaster.

His MH issues are the result of being a long term drug addict. He doesn’t sound like he is fully aware of the connection or has any drive to address these issues.

The most important thing a mother can do for her children is to choose the best father. He isn’t the best. Better off going it alone with a sperm donor - less dramatic more reliable.

Having to nag someone in order for them to marry you is a massive problem. I think you are blinded by your desire to be married and have children, and as a result are ignoring the fact you are in a very unhealthy relationship that is doomed to fail.

I hate to admit it but I think you are all speaking sense. Thanks for responding x

So you'll have to police him for drug activity, push him to properly address his MH problems ( more than likely a result of his habit), push him into marriage, and hope for a happy ever after with a baby?

At 38 you don’t have many childbearing years left ahead of you and while there may be a few lucky ladies who have had babies up to their mid 40’s, these women are very much in the minority. I would have a very full and frank discussion with your DP about the future. Men can father children into their 70’s so won’t feel the time pressure, but if your DP really wants children with you, he needs to realise that you haven’t got long to have them. The wedding is a side issue and doesn’t need to be rushed.