Divorce Contact and Financial

[CF43]

Hi,

Is there anyone else out there that can help advice me on these matters, I am going through with a divorce we are at nisi stage but the financial side is a constant war and contact is another subject that can't be talked about. I started the divorce after 9 years of marriage and being treated at times like something you wide you feet on, it came to the crunch and I couldn't take it anylonger. We have one child who is 7 and he knows the score, I have been honest with him all the way through and he seems fine with it. His dad works away alot of the time and hasn't or doesn't contact him whilst he is away, the air is tight and unhappy when he is around, he won't move out so he makes our life hell when he is around. My son says that he is still his dad but he feels that he can't relax and the tensions between them are high and awkward the rest of the time.

My ex thinks that everything is my fault again and that I should be punished by him not giving me enough money from the sale of our house to buy a decent place to live, he thinks that giving me the bare minimum amount of money to live on a month is funny and that he can have him as much as possible so that we get even less.

My problem is that although I have a job which is not enough hours at the moment, if I go out and get another job just now it will be another excuse for my ex to without the money coming in. I want him to settle things as quickly as possible so me and my son can move out and begin our lives without living in fear, poverty or hassel because the music is too loud or sport is on the TV.

My ex hasn't been a dad to our son for the last 7 years he does what he wants when he wants and leaves us with nothing, he took himself off to wales on a "man" holiday just after xmas and came back new years eve. He's been away with work since 7th January and has only spoken with his son once for 2 minutes max last fri.

If he has him overnight contact my money drops is this correct, why can't we arrange something so that I get paid the same every month so I can budget for things despite how much time he spends with him. I feel like saying that he can have him the minimum amount of time if he is going to the minimum amount of money.
We are supposed to be going to mediation together over contact as xmas arrangments were tense, but I don't want to be in the same room as him, he makes me feel sick.

I don't know if this is legal?

Can anyone help.

Go to CMS for maintenance it is the same every month based on how how many over nights the other parent does per year. Check the calculator on line. You can claim now as you are separated.

He's threatened to charge me rent if I claim anything at the moment, so I don't dare, we have a joint mortgage so I don't know how or what I can get away with. He won't be getting him overnight if I can help it, he's not capable of looking after himself not alone anyone else.
He literaly does nothing to help us, and yet seems to have all the rights, or makes out that he does.
The CPS would only give the minimum amount of money each month but I still don't see how we can survive on this.

He can't charge you rent it's a marital home, you would have to sign a rental agreement for starters You need proper legal advice and fast.

Its impossible for us to say on here what should happen but what does seem clear is that your H is trying to control you financially.

You need good legal advice, and soon. I don't agree that he has all the rights, and I believe you will be entitled to a good deal more than he will 'offer'. He sounds horrible.

Its impossible for us to say on here what should happen but what does seem clear is that your H is trying to control you financially.

You need good legal advice, and soon. I don't agree that he has all the rights, and I believe you will be entitled to a good deal more than he will 'offer'. He sounds horrible.

To me it sounds like he is trying to bully you into either not divorcing or taking a rubbish financial settlement.

Phone your local woman's aid, tell them what is going on ask for solicitor recommendation and advice

You, my love, need a proper solicitor ASAP. Ignore your husband's threats and "offers", and find out exactly where you stand legally. He is not above the law. CMS-ordered maintenance does not vary every month, it is a set amount.

However, while the law can compel your husband to pay maintenance for your son, and find him somewhere to live, it cannot force him to be a decent dad. From the sounds of it, you and your son would both be better off without him in your lives.

I know, i'm really stuck I can't get anyone to listen to me not the solicitors , I've tried citizens advice but they never answer. I want my son to have some contact with his dad but i'm not prepared to give him overnight or to have any pre-long amount of time. He's a bully and has been for years but it doesn't matter because no-one is listening. I don't know fit he court will make the final decision. He's been ordered to pay some of the cost towards the divorce and hasn't spoken to me for about a week, he talks to our son barely so he's obvious really miffed that he has to pay any money. My car for instance had it's MOT last weekend, it's got advise notice on the brakes when I told him that it had to be done and the cost he siad that's your problem, you'll have to put the money aside and get it done when you can.

I don't earn much but I get some support from UC but that won't last for long. I am really scared about this contact meeting I have on the 31st with him, i can't go at the moment as I'm scared of what I might end up agreeing to.

I don't know whether to just go to another solicitor for initial advice to see what my options are, it's more costs that I can't afford.

As others have said, it’s impossible to say but two things strike me. Firstly he works away with work a lot. Therefore him having your son for a significant portion of the month is probably a bluff. Might be worth documenting how often and for how long he has been away with work over the last 2 years? Can you take someone to the contact meeting to support you? Maybe write things down that you want to say in advance?

I have today heard from my solicitor, the other side my ex says they don't agree with my home choice and that they think I can live in a cheaper home, the ones that they have sent through are horrible and not in a safe area.
I feel that i am being pressured to either say okay you win i won't go through with the divorce or okay you win i don't want anything. I do have options i can go stay with my parets who live 200 plus miles away they are old and it's not fair on them.

My solicitor says that as i maybe getting the "lion" share of the capital on the house "i wish" i can't expect him to pay for sposal maintenance as well as i have to be independant. I am but I can't live on thin air, I work but not much, I am really really scared for the future.
All I really want is a decent place to live without being scared of opening the front door, enough money to live on without being hungry or cold. and far away from my jerk of an ex to never see his ugly face again. Two out of three i can live with.

Oh boy listen to me, there are people out there with worst problems than me. I'm sorry.
It is just so frastruting that he's going to get away with it. My son is going to hate me, the car thing at the weekend my son said I could have his pocket money, i could have cried. I just don't get it, why can't he just be nice and say here you go, i want you to be happy, i know you are a good mum, maybe i would be more open to contact with the jerk in return.

Why on earth are they deciding where you live and the type of house? Did you tell them you were incapable of making your own decisions? What's your soilicitor's view on this? Your ex is such a bully. Please do not accept whatever they throw at you without knowledge of your solicitor. Also, if you can attend the contact meeting with a family or close friend for support. Do not come across as weak in his presence, be bold, stand your ground, give an accurate narrative of the times he works away. He's so heartless.
I hope it all goes your way

I'm struggling to understand how he can have your DS 'overnight' if you both live in the same house?

Also if he works away a lot, how can he increase contact?

It sounds as though you are getting bad legal advice. It's got bugger all to do with him and his solicitor where you live.

Also, he cannot charge you rent if you're both on the mortgage.

Agree that if you're earning, you shouldn't expect 'spousal maintenance' but yes of course he should pay child maintenance. Could you increase your hours? You said your DS is 7 so assuming he is in school full-time.

Basically I want a 2 bedroom place with a garden in a nice area, we have been looking around and the difference is that he says he can kind houses cheaper than me and that he can prove he doesn't have to give me so much money in the settlement.

I have to put up with him in the same house at the moment as he won't move away or out, he controls everything, even the TV. I can't move out or we will end up nothing and it's not fair to do that. We have split the house up as much as possible but he still comes in and expects his dinner cooked or his washing done or ironing done, I know i sound a doormat, and I have tried not doing this but then he takes it out on our son or makes the place smell because he won't do the washing.

He does work away so much and has very little contact with his son whilst he is away, the last two weeks he was away overseas he spoke to our son once but this was because I called him.He works in a specialist field of work so he can get called away at short notice. He thinks that he is getting his son for longer periods during the holidays but how can I send him to someone that hardly is capable of looking after himself not alone a child. I have suffered humilition and bullying thoughout our marriage, made to apologise for "my behaviour" towards his sister when I don't feel that I have done anything wrong. I don't care about that now i'm free and will be, what i care about is my son, i have to protect him, i have to make sure he is happy and warm and safe and can sleep at night knowing that he is. So why can't his dad see this, all he sees is that I am out to get as much money as possible from him, to bleed him dry of his savings and investments. I work hard at my two jobs that i do it has to be school times only because his dad is un-reliable.

I thought about sitting him down and saying " look I want to live in a house or bungalow in a nice area, I would like our son to be able to go freely and not be ashamed to have his friends over to play, I want him to be happy and content and warm and dry, I want him to be able to buy toys every now and again and not go without". Why can't he see that it more to this than just money, it's about putting our son's needs first, but he can't do that and isn't capable of doing so certainly at the moment.

I haven't been in work long since december so I don't want to push them for more hours at the moment, I can and have made it clear that I need more hours but I have to be patient.

His solicitor has told him that once the financial agreement has gone through and that the divorce is settled he can ask for me to pay towards the house if he wants to do this.

Why should I give him more contact than necessary if this is how he thinks, I will agree to the minimum amount only but not overnight once we have split up seperatley as I feel that he can't and won't look after Robert properly. He has him for contact and then dumps him round my son's mates telling them to bring him back when they've had enough.

I have kept diary's of contact with his son and my ex if he has been in the same house or not but without anyone prepared to look at them what's the point. I can argue that he is emotionally blackmailing me and what's the point when no-one is listening.

I was planning on getting a different job once everything is settled I had time to make myself useful, I wanted to get a much as possible out of my ex before landing myself a higher paid position. It's still going to be school term time only as family live so far away, i'm making friends now but it's hard.