My husband had a severe heart attack a week before our wedding

[snowman72]

My now husband had a heart attack last August. He came back from a bike ride with a friend, seemed breathless but that's not really unusual when he does that. I was concerned he'd been doing too much as we were both trying to tone up for our wedding. He honestly didn't seem that bad, he had a bit of indigestion so I got him some gaviscon, got him a drink. He said he thought his muscles around his chest had gone into spasm because he had done weights previously that day, and I believed him . I ran him a bath, gave him nurofen made him some food. He seemed ok but the pain was still there at bedtime so against his wishes I called an ambulance just incase but I still expected them to say he pulled a muscle or was indigestion. He's only 48!

Anyway long story short it was a heart attack , turns out quite a severe one and because I left the ambulance so late it's done some quite serious damage to his heart. He's not tolerating the drugs too well and is understandably quite depressed, and although I understand it's really effecting our relationship. He won't talk to anyone about it said he doesn't need to, he feels everyone treats him differently. The relationship between us is breaking down and I don't want it to but I don't know what to do! He said he doesn't blame me for not calling an ambulance earlier he's just finding it hard to come to terms with it all.

I am struggling today because I saw report saying with his current condition he may only have 5 years to live! I have to stay positive for him but I'm struggling, I don't want to be a widow in a few years time. I want my husband back. How do you get a relationship through this.

Firstly, this is absolutely not your fault or your husband's fault - I sensed that you felt some level of guilt about your husband's heart condition. These things can happen randomly, and at least you were there for him when it happened, supported him, and took whatever care measures you could.

Secondly, I think couple's counselling might be worth looking into. If the prognosis really could be 5 years it's better to try and resolve these issues sooner than later. But perhaps suggest it as a means of strengthening your relationship, rather than telling him that his heart attack is a major factor behind your choice to pursue counselling.

I suppose your husband is already going through a sort of grief process himself, unfortunately that means you will bear the brunt of it initially. My husband injured his back (2 slipped discs aged 21) and it took him some time to get used to the fact that he couldn't lead the same active lifestyle he used to have. He was in constant pain for years, and was quite upset about it. It did affect our relationship but he's come through the other side stronger.

Wishing you the best op!

You did call an ambulance, for those symptom and if DH didn't want me to, I wouldn't have.

Think you definitely need to talk about this with someone who can help you process what is a traumatic event.

I do blame myself yes, but also know we are were we are and we have to deal with the situation we are now in.

It's changed the dynamics of the relationship he always liked to organise stuff, holidays, financial stuff, etc and I quite liked this now it's me doing it as he doesn't have the energy really but according to him I do it wrong and not to his standards. I get worried when he's out with friends, as he's not supposed to drink much and all his mates are big drinkers. I don't want to stop him as mentally this doesn't do him good but on these nights out he does drink too much and his mates keep buying him more and more. He's just told me he's going out in February to a 50th he saw my face and it caused a row and then I'm feeling guilt cos he's not supposed to get worked up either.

I was planning our wedding 2 years in advance it was so devastating when this happened a week before. We did think about cancelling but he decided he wanted to do it, though he was very ill. It was hard as rather than a day to celebrate and enjoy it was a day to get through and almost get it out of the way so I could help him recover. We had to cancel our honeymoon obviously and it's just been bad news and hell ever since. I feel so drained!

There are very strong links between heart issues in men and depression.

Five years ago, my DH was depressed, had an out of hospital cardiac arrest, followed by a further serious depressive episode. Happily, he has recovered well from both.

The British Heart Foundation has some good info on it; would suggest you look for support for yourself, even if he is not in the right place for it.

It's a huge strain on partners as well as those with the physical issues.

I am really sorry to read of what happened to your family.

I saw report saying with his current condition he may only have 5 years to live - please don't think that DH is going to be one of those numbers, medicine improves every year and I am sure doctors will keep an eye on him.

against his wishes I called an ambulance - so you saved his life....
sick people are often selfish and he has to understand he is and is nobody's job to make things exactly to his standard, obviously he has to make that change and not to make you feeling guilty for no reason

I think he should watch the program I saw www.theguardian.com/global/2018/dec/13/what-happened-next-drinking-for-the-sake-of-drinking-its-madness-how-adrian-chiles-cut-back-on-booze

he explains there very well how blokes can't get rid of alcohol which is at the center of men's socializing.

your DH wants nothing to change, but it has and he has to face it, I think only he can change, you can't force him

I really feel for you because you can't make much difference to how he acts and thinks

Thank you @crimsonhair that's helpful

Please don’t blame yourself it is not your fault, sometimes bad things just happen and it was your husbands choice not to call an ambulance earlier. My husband had similar symptoms he did not want to go to hospital . The next day he had a cardiac arrest and suffered severe brain damage during the resuscitation. He remains in a minimally conscious state. I blamed myself at first but you have to accept that some things you cannot change, but it takes a long time. Accepting your life has changed forever is a very difficult slow process your husband will process this in his own way and in his own time. You just need to be there for him.

Hi,
This is such a hard time for you both, but I have found from dealing with a very similar situation that despite not being a "Joiner" or someone who likes to share problems that there is really good support out there.
I needed to understand the whole illness better, to know what sort of lifestyle we needed to follow (hated the idea of changes) and then all the difficult emotions, including feeling I'd failed.It was so hard dealing with a problem that normally I would have shared with the person closest to me, but could not as they were the centre of my worry.
The British Heart Foundation www.bhf.org.uk/
is worth looking at.
It's the first place to go to find information and links to support.
The Practice Nurse was also a gem, and most Consultants in Specialities like Cardiology will have a dedicated Nurse who can help, they know it's not just the patient who is concerned in the recovery.
I found the Consultant's secretary great at pointing me at the right person.
Don't feel alone, you aren't.
Good luck.

Does he have cardiomyopathy?

I'm not sure what that is @MotsDHeureGoussesRames all I know is it was a significant heart attack and it's damaged his heart pump neither side of the heart is working properly, they try drugs but he always has to stop them due to unbearable side effects. It's hardly surprising he's depressed really he has 2 dcs too. Thanks for all the information though everyone