Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I have/be in a Relationship?

10 replies

StingLikeABee · 15/01/2019 12:59

I'm a couple of years out of an abusive LTR. Did the Freedom Programme and got out. My life started then.

I recently met and fell in love with a great guy. We enjoy everything about each other and both feel we have a future together.

This is my second relationship ever. I'm in my forties. I'm worried that I don't know how to "be" and function in a healthy relationship with someone. I worry that despite all the healing of myself that I've done, I am still too broken. I keep reading this board and dwelling on my previous relationship and how toxic it was, where I really thought I had moved on. My Ex was a narcissist. What if I'm one too? I've probably been gaslighted into believing I could never be a good partner, so I'm doubting myself. I'm also second guessing everything my new partner does in case it's a red flag. It's driving me nuts.

Help me not fuck up my new relationship please, oh wise and wonderful mumsnetters.

OP posts:
userxx · 15/01/2019 13:16

Take a deep breathe. How long have you known this new guy? have you any mutual friends who could give you a bit of background info about him?

StingLikeABee · 15/01/2019 13:23

I've known him 7 months. He is very self aware and would address anything I pull him up on. I just don't know if I'm overreacting sometimes because of my past experiences. It's not fair on him to be victim of my paranoia. Unless I'm not paranoid, just far more aware of potentially abusive traits. My compass is all wrong.

OP posts:
StingLikeABee · 15/01/2019 13:26

thanks @userxx No mutual friends. He has opened up and told me everything about his life that I've asked, and plenty more too that I haven't. He knows I can spot a lie a mile off and can tell when I'm being manipulated.

OP posts:
userxx · 15/01/2019 13:30

It might take more than a couple of years to overcome the traumatic LTR. I'd just take it really really slowly, in time you will come to trust your own gut instinct, at the moment I think its putting the fear into you.

Years ago I was cheated on and it took me a very long time to trust again, I'm with the most amazing man at the moment and I doubt he would cheat but I wouldn't bank my life on it. Its good to learn from past experiences and be cautious and more aware but the paranoia can kill something too.

StingLikeABee · 15/01/2019 13:38

thanks @userxx you are right. My gut is usually right, but I'm just second guessing it all.

What if it's a rebound?
What if my bar is so low and my self esteem so shot to bits, that I'll still accept bad behaviour because that's all I'm worth? I know this isn't true but it's ingrained in me. New partner isn't perfect but neither am I. I can't hold him up to a standard of perfection that is unrealistic.
What if because it's so intense now, it is doomed to fizzle out?
What if I ruin it?
What if he sees the real me underneath and it's ugly?

These are some of the intrusive thoughts going round and round. I don't know if I actually have anxiety or just need to give my head a wobble.

OP posts:
StingLikeABee · 15/01/2019 13:41

I'm glad to hear you have found someone amazing @userxx . I forgot to mention this in all my self obsessed naval gazing. I always manage to make it all about me and it annoys the hell out of me, and no doubt others too. I'm doing it now ! Angry

OP posts:
timetostepup · 15/01/2019 14:54

What if it's a rebound? Perhaps it is, only time will tell. Most of us who've had more than one relationship have had rebounds. If it is, you'll get over it and move on, with a bit more life experience to draw on. (Hopefully largely positive!)

What if my bar is so low and my self esteem so shot to bits, that I'll still accept bad behaviour because that's all I'm worth? I know this isn't true but it's ingrained in me. New partner isn't perfect but neither am I. I can't hold him up to a standard of perfection that is unrealistic.

In what way is your new partner "not perfect"?

What if because it's so intense now, it is doomed to fizzle out? Again, only time will tell.

What if I ruin it? You won't. You may, however, find that the relationship doesn't work for any one of many reasons, and you may frame that in your mind as if you ruined it. Please try to recognise this kind of thought pattern. If it doesn't work out, that's not the end of the world.

What if he sees the real me underneath and it's ugly? The real you is not ugly. If he sees the "real you" and doesn't like you, then you're not compatible, that's all. You can't be a cardboard cut out fake, it won't make anyone happy. You have to be the real you, warts and all.

Be mindful of recognising if you're accepting bad behaviour but please try not to worry so much about the relationship not being the right one for you. If it turns out it isn't, that's not the end of the world. Enjoy it while it's here - if he's treating you well, of course, and let time show you where it'll go.

userxx · 15/01/2019 15:04

You're a couple of years out of your previous relationship, so I cant see it being a rebound, that usually happens within weeks/months. Is your bar set low? You seem to be quite aware.

Who knows if any relationship is going to fizzle out, its a chance we have to take, scary but without taking the risk we'd stay alone forever. After 7 months I'm sure he's seen the real you and it's not looking like he's finding it ugly :-). Intrusive thoughts are a fucking kill-joy!! Try and look at the logical side of it rather than the negative side.

StingLikeABee · 15/01/2019 15:15

thanks for your reply @timetostepup

I think my problem is that I feel deep down that I don't deserve to be happy. That's a terrible thing to admit and I know it's rubbish. My self worth just isnt where it should be. I feel very happy now and worry it won't last or that it's not real, and that I can't see it. I'm worried that I'm not really a good person, and that I deserved all the abuse I suffered before.

I actually don't know who I am. What my personality is. We are still getting to know each other and I don't even know myself well enough to describe me. I'm not the same person I was in my long term relationship, but I don't know who I am now.

Sorry for the garbled mind dump.

OP posts:
StingLikeABee · 15/01/2019 15:16

@userxx I know you are right

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page