Should I stay in the home?

[ReguLarapples]

Name change, I’m a regular poster. Thinking of leaving my abusive husband. I have two dc and am a sahm. He won’t leave the family home and keeps telling me to divorce him and leave.

What can I do in this situation? I don’t want him in the house as he is verbally very aggressive inc in front of the kids and the situation is getting worse. I want him out but he won’t leave.

I always read about women being advised to stay in the family home, is there a good reason for this? im considering staying with family for a couple of weeks and finding somewhere close to my kids school to stay - is this a bad idea??

Please give me some advice, I’m feeling quite vulnerable and helpless right now

Staying in the family home is usually a long term outcome many woman want to achieve from divorce. This is usually to provide continuity and stability for children. It will be part of the financial settlement if affordable for each party. Sometimes it is impossible to keep the home and meet the needs of each party on divorce so it has to be sold.

In the short term, the family home is usually the biggest asset. Having control of that asset provides leverage in negotiation of the financial settlement depending on the circumstances. The party that leaves can have high living expenses pending the settlement, without much income. This puts pressure on them to settle or agree the divorce so they can move with their life. The other party tends to be sitting pretty in the old home and can string it out. A lot of factors play influence whether this matters or not.

If you have little immediate need for the equity and can easily afford a new home on your income. It’s not a problem to move out. However you could be in for a long haul divorce.

Speak to women’s aid and look into getting a court order to get him out and which ensures he supports you pending the divorce. Record his abuse.

1. How old are your kids?
2. Is your name on the mortgage? (Very important)

He wants you to leave because then he can live in the house by himself and not have to worry about paying rent on a tiny bedsit somewhere for himself AND paying the mortgage plus bills on the house (if you and the kids stayed there). Most men fare terribly with divorce, especially if the wife does not work/there are kids involved because they end up paying for 2 households, plus child maintenance plus even spousal maintenance if a judge deems it necessary.

If you are a SAHM mum you will end up on benefits and relying on housing allowance to pay your rent. You mention about finding somewhere close to your kids school – where is this money for rent and bills coming from? Do you have a lot of savings? Will you be going back to work full-time?

Speak to a solicitor ASAP. Most judges will agree that if a house is jointly owned that the children can stay in it until they are 18.

Seek legal advice.
Contact Womens Aid
Contact Rights of Women
Contact Shelter
Contact CAB
See what they have to say and take it from there.
Start to put important docs somewhere safe.
Marriage cert. Mortgage info, asset info, account info, his wage info, pension info, savings info, passports. Anything else you can think of.

Thank you, my kids are 1 and 5. Unfortunately, my name is not on the mortgage, he said he was advised he couldn’t put it on the mortgage as I wasn’t working when we bought the house.

I know he will support the kids expenses when we leave but no idea how he will view the rest of our assets.

I have £10k in my account as he was made redundant recently and I insisted he gave me a some (a small part even) of it so I could have security for the kids as he is so bad with finances. I have £50k of credit card debt in my name which he had racked up over the years, would I have to pay this off or would be become liable for it?

I could use this to make a start and move out but no doubt it would deplete quickly (2 bed flats are around £1300-1800pm near my kids school) and I would have to look into finding part time work to support us. Part time as my youngest is only 1 and I have not worked since the oldest was born so I don’t think I’d be able to get back into a well paying job very easily.

Will the courts judge that the children should be allowed to stay in the family home or will they allow him to stay if I was the one who moved out?

I need to take action but worried that I will lose any claim to the house if I move. I have text messages over years of his verbal abuse and recent ones of him threatening to kill me in front of my kids and break my nose etc.

You are married.
The house is a joint asset and 50% yours.
The debts are 50% his but also 50% yours!
Even if he built up the debt on his own.
50K is a lot though.
Make sure you contact those organisations and they can help you with all of this.
I really hope you can get an exit plan in place soon to get away from him.
Good luck OP!

Thank you hellsbells I hadn’t really thought practically about any of this beyond moving out with my kids.

Ultimately I would like to stay in the family home and for him to pay part of the kids expenses and his debts in my name. I will contact the above for advice, especially about whether to leave the house or to stay, as unpleasant as that would be

I have text messages over years of his verbal abuse and recent ones of him threatening to kill me in front of my kids and break my nose etc.

Fucking hell what a psycho. Definitely speak to Womens Aid and seek legal advice. Also try here: www.ncdv.org.uk/

The NCDV can help you obtain an injunction to prevent further abuse from your partner. The services are free of charge, and the centre will refer you to an experienced solicitor who, if you are eligible, will arrange Community Legal Service funding, or will accept payments in stages if you have to pay your own fees.