Toxic Friend??

[Frothyontop]

Hi I’m hoping for a bit of advice/moral support regarding a friendship that I have. So I’m in my mid 30’s married with 3 children my friend is the same with 2 kids. I’ve known her for about 3 years now, I have 4 other very close friends who I have known since primary school, we are in regular contact and have a laugh when we’re together or speaking on the phone. So this friend I have known for 3 years il call Sharon has no other friends apart from me, I have kind of accepted her quirks over the years and not let them bother me but lately everything she does is getting on my nerves. Every conversation is about her life and problems/worries/drama etc and it is draining me emotionally. She is also quite a jealous person who begrudges anyone doing good or having more than her and if she is like that with other people she probably has the same thoughts about me. She expects me to constantly do her favours and go out of my way to help her and has no problem asking my to do things for her but she very rarely offers to helps me. She is also a quite negative/ocd/controlling/paranoid person. I don’t know how to set boundaries with her without completely destroying the friendship, I feel better just venting and getting this off my chest but I can’t continue to allow her to make me feel this way. Any advice?

Friendships are two way streets, so I can completely understand where you are coming from.

There’s nothing worse than a relationship that becomes an emotional drain. To be honest if it were me I would probably gradually end the friendship and create some distance. Abit like a detox but with a friend instead of food.

I can understand your frustration as it doesn’t sound like she’s someone you could easily talk to about how you feel. Simple boundaries is starting to say no to things you don’t want to do, maybe replying to things with a positive response and say your not engaging in x,y or z as you don’t have the energy for it. Limit your contact and see if you start to feel better. Encourage her to change her ways, sometimes some people do just need to shove and break their mould.

Be interesting for you to see how she reacts. If she doesn’t take it well then I don’t think it’s a friendship worth having. Some people are only ever takers, and sometimes we have to go in a new direction.

Always remember friends should be there to lift you up, support you, cheer you on and have fun with, even if it’s doing something simple you should feel better for doing it.

Also You don’t have to explain yourself for not wanting to do something, so don’t feel you have to give her one if you decide to enforce boundaries.

Thanks for your advice, I agree with what you have said and I’m going to put a bit of distance between us I don’t think she will take any type of criticism well and will probably feel like it’s an attack on her but for my sanity I need to put the brakes on the friendship.
With my other close friends we don’t need to talk every week but we know we are there for each other and will support each other but with “Sharon” it’s very different, very clingy, needy and negative and after a while it wears you down.

You’re welcome.

I also think you will realise when there’s some space any doubts that you may have.

I have a friend who I would say is my closest friend we don’t speak every week, we’re not in each other’s pockets and sometimes it can be a couple of months before we can get together in person, but I can completely feel the difference in the friendship than some others.

Sometimes you just know when it’s been enough.

Reads to me that you have got to know her and she isn't that nice. She sounds selfish, chaotic and negative. I too would distance and let it flow by. You don't owe her an explanation, especially if she won't take it well.

It’s probably true that I have gotten to know her now, when your only getting to know someone your still on your best behaviour so to speak. I feel bad because she really doesn’t have other friends but I guess I know why that is now. I found it strange that she never spoke about any other friends as someone would do, I couldn’t imagine getting to this age without any good friends you can rely on.

Always useful to stand back in these situations and observe how she impacts on others - in this case she has no other friends - how is that possible at her age - clearly she her selfish droning draining behaviour means others have dropped her. She doesn’t seem to have learnt anything.

Don’t waste you time - concentrate your precious time on your “radiator friends” and bin the “draining friends”