Do you think my ex still has feelings for me or is he trying to be real friends?

[Lizzie523]

I dated my recent ex (as in we broke it off about a month ago) for less than 4 months. At the beginning he said he was moving with his job for a period of time, to work in the next country over. At the time I was reluctant as I have done ldr and would really prefer to be in the same place next time

On top of this ex has been going through a serious bereavement. Even with my support, he became so distant repeatedly I couldn't continue. He said he felt he couldn't give me what I needed right now & felt for now we should part as friends, so we have.

He asked to meet for coffee today and he told me that he is moving in 2 months. He asked if I would visit him in his new country and also asked if it would be ok for him to visit me too. Furthermore, he asked if I was interested in taking a trip to a music festival with him in the summer. How do I know his intentions are really friendly?

For me I feel like I now have a best friend with the romance removed. Even though I still find him attractive, his behaviour became too much as a couple.

Also he gave me a couple of tight hugs and seems happy to be together. But he was g overly flirty or anything.

Treat him as a friend and make your boundaries clear.

How do I make the boundaries clear?

Any more thoughts?

He wants to have his cake (be single) and eat it too.

Do you mean he still wants the companionship without the sex basically?

He is a bit if a headcase to date although a really lovely person and a great supportive friend.

If you are happy to be friends then give that a whirl. If it becomes uncomfortable then cut him out.

Your boundaries are that you are strictly friends, free to date other people, not obligated to consider him in the case of dating other people or pursuing dating other people. I'd back off too. He didn't put your relationship first when it came to moving country so I wouldn't be putting him first for anything. You're not his emotional crutch or his back up plan if and when he moves back.

How do you feel about him dating other people?

So...Do you think I should raise the topic before he leaves? Just lightly, as in so I'd love for you to visit and vice versa, but let's bear in mind we may be dating people and let's see how it goes.

Or not bother saying anything and cross that bridge when/if it appears. I wouldn't be thrilled if he was dating others, purely as there are some residual feelings which will call soon I'm sure. I did try to broach it tonight:

Me: So...got any more news for me?
Him: Such as?
Me: Anything new in your life?
HIM: not really. Would you maybe like to go to this concert together in summer?

So I'm thinking no for the moment, but I'm sure that could change!

It just sounds to me like remaining friends is unnecessarily complicated. Your feelings are the complicated ones and I don't think it's helping you move on. I also think if he was that important you'd have gone for a LDR with an aim of shortening the distance asap. Neither of you seem that into that other one.

In my last ldr, which ended a year ago, the guy left by cheating with a local woman after 2 years together. It's made me reluctant to go through that again. It was heart breaking.

What happened was he said he was on the fence about whether we should do LDR. That annoyed me enough to break it off, because I just thought....how much more ambivalent can you be? So I did but then we decided we still cared for each other as friends. I am wondering if him saying he now wants us to visit each other is his way of saying he changed his mind. I didn't break it off due to a lack of feelings.

Either way I am not prepared to be in a relationship with him but do value his friendship a lot. I will need to give it some thought or maybe just see how it goes.

Do what's best for you. If you're wondering about his feelings I'd question if remaining friends is best for you. I'd go for an extended period of no contact tbh. Revisit the possible friendship in a year or two.

He is setting you up for a casual fwb when he has the time, if you still have feelings this will seriously mess with your head. I would tell him very firmly that will not work for you and move on.