How to be nice to dh

[hmmm123]

I'm after some self help guide or book on how to change the way I am with dh. I have been quite horrible for some time in the way I speak to him, expect him to change to be something he isn't when he is a decent bloke nice dh and excellent dad

But it doesn't come naturally to me... my default position is to think I am always right ( I know I'm not) not apologise and things then turn into a massive stand off

I need to make him understand he is appreciated by us. I am actually a nice person and great with friends and family but for some reason dh is way down on the list of priorities!! How can I change?

I enjoyed ' let's stick together' by Harry Benson.
I practice gratitude and express it to DH. So we say thanks a lot to each other.
I try and think long term. Long term I want to be with DH. So I put a bit of work into taking care of the relationship every day.

What are you being unkind about. Is there a particular situation?

Well I always say treat people how you expect to be treated back and that goes for everyone from dh to shop assistant . I honestly don't understand how people can't be nice .

Why do you do it? Do you love him and want him to be happy? Is he kind to you?

I remember wondering a while ago if the reason our marriage is happy is down in large part to regular thank yous. Sex, sense of humour, shared views, mutual attraction all important but bothering to say thank you - for cooking, laundry, cups of tea - makes us both feel appreciated, respected and valued. Likewise small acts of kindness - he buys me bottles of chocolate milk from the shop, I take him coffee in bed, he records things I like on the tv, I send him links to articles.

When you want someone to be happy you find ways to make them feel appreciated. You pick your battles and don’t get into stupid arguments or nit pick.

Think of what he does which makes you feel good. You could read up on the languages of love too as we all need and prioritise different ways of showing affection and appreciation.

But first identify why you’re being mean to your husband if he’s so nice, you’ll both feel better and have a nicer life if you cherish each other instead of being narky.

Try the loo trick..
If you want to argue go to the loo, right then...
Sit and think do you want this to continue, or can you say sorry..
Sorry is just a word, but it means so much.

You need to analyse why you do this, was your mother like this, are you trying to provoke him, do you want him to stand up to you ?

Ask yourself what impact is this on your children ? Do you want them to behave like you, or be treated like your husband.

I have to say I think your behaviour could be described as emotional abuse.

Just thinking about the ‘not apologise’ bit. My DH used to be like this and would never apologise. After talking about it we realised that it was to do with the way he interpreted an apology. To him, it felt like apologising meant he was taking the entire blame for whatever the situation was. We talked about “no fault apology” which means you’re saying “I’m sorry things happened this way between us” rather than taking the full responsibility for whatever happened. He’s much better now.

Have you considered going on a marriage course? DH and I did one a few years ago and it really improved our communication.

I think we have just fallen into a habit. I'm quite defensive and if he points out a different way to do something which he thinks is better I feel like I'm being criticised and react badly.

I need to realise that he is just pointing out a different way of doing something e.g loading the dishwasher etc

Also I don't tell him thank you enough I suppose I have just become complacent and it's an expectation that he does certain things when I should thank him anyway. He is much better at this than me...

I don't think I am emotionally abusing him! I just want to train myself so it becomes second nature to be nice. We've had a fair few months of bickering so I just want to reset everything. I will try the loo trick thanks

I'm quite good at holding my tongue but if I am inclined to say something unkind, I try and put myself in the other person's shoes and imagine how I'd feel if someone spoke to me like that.

And, yes, thanks you's and apologies are important.

He sounds like a saint!

I think practicing politeness is a great starting point. Say please and thank you. It can feel a bit stiff and distant at first but it’s a great way to show respect, appreciation and gratitude.

Are you getting enough sleep and support? I don’t manage well on disrupted sleep and when the dc were small we bickered every single day, or to be specific I bit dh’s head off over minor things. Now on the surface of it, he was affable and good natured, good dad and dh, etc and I was an unreasonable stroppy cow. But the other side of that story was that I was overwhelmed and he wasn’t pulling his weight fully or sharing the night time burdens fairly. I felt bad about being so short tempered and irritable but I was too mired in exhaustion and hormones and new-mum guilt about everything to put my finger on the real issue.

Do try and have a think about what it is that’s setting you off. I’m not necessarily suggesting that your dh is the problem, but maybe you are carrying expectations from your childhood about how he should be, or modeling patterns that you’ve seen and internalized. Is there old resentment that you’ve forgiven but maybe still hurts or affects you? Either in this relationship or a previous one. If you can figure out these hidden things just turning a spotlight on them can often shrink their effect on us.

1.I'd suggest therapy for you.
2.You can do the love language test online to see what your love style is and what his is.
3.take time to listen to him. Phones off and no distractions.
4.surprise him with a nice treat like a massage.