How do you yourself stop craving drama in relationships?

[Summaryofmylife]

I spent much of my twenties in and out of various relationships, each more intense and consuming than the last. On the surface, I was living a fairly prosaic life as a young professional with stable family and friends circles, but I was constantly having these rollercoaster relationships behind the scenes. Most were with charming, intelligent but emotionally unavailable men - fun and passionate when it was good, but soul-destroying at its worst.

I then met my DH, who was the total opposite of previous boyfriends: stable, kind, reliable. Everything fell into place very quickly and there was no drama or game-playing, and there still isn't. We have a wonderful relationship and DH is a wonderful man, but part of me has always missed the intensity of those previous relationships. I know this is totally irrational and silly, but I suppose in hindsight I can see I got a lot of my 'kicks' and excitement from all those ups and downs.

Can anyone else relate? I feel this is something most people grow out of, but are there people who just never get out of that cycle? I know that if I hadn't met my DH I probably would still be getting myself into all sorts of emotional messes, half-hating it but also enjoying it in a twisted way.

I can kind of relate because I always thought I was a dramatic sort of person so that was my lot in life and that I should just embrace it. At nearly 40 I have met someone that I don’t need that with - not because he is stable (which I have had before and got bored with) because he is my friend as well as my partner and I don’t pick fights with my friends!

The ‘stable’ guy I was with (and had kids with) was, in retrospect, the guy I thought I should want and that could ‘fix’ me. In fact we were a wrong fit and so I carried on with the high drama attitude. I hope that’s not the case for you though

I've thought similar - that I was just a person who was prone to falling hard and fast and feeling things really intensely. My DH is definitely my best friend, but there isn't the level of uncertainty and accompanying highs and lows there were with the others. I don't think any of those relationships could have been functional, but I wonder if one person can 'cure' me of my tendencies towards the dramatic. I suppose no matter who I ended up with it would have become everyday and undramatic anyway, and those high drama relationships never seem to be sustainable anyway.

but I wonder if one person can 'cure' me of my tendencies towards the dramatic

Yes. That would be yourself. Maybe try some therapy - to understand what it was about your parents and upbringing that made you seek out unavailable (emotionally? physically?) men. Sounds like it still exites or preoccupies you? Could it be some internal fantasy that is starting to eat away at your current RL relationship?

I think this is more of a problem than you realise. It must go deep. Childhood? Being let down early on?
Presumably counselling.

I never had drama, never sought it. So struggle to understand.

Yep I'm in this boat.

Always gone for the type to bugger me over but loved the drama of it all.
Met my DP and he's kind, shy, from a nice family. He's the polar opposite of what I thought my type was.

I do miss the attention I used to get from men when o was out, and loved retaliating to it. No I have to smile politely and tell them I'm in a relationship. Breaks me everyone but I remember how much my DP brings to the relationship, he makes me laugh, he's supportive and kind. He's the type to never hurt a fly and he hasn't called me by the first name in 4 years, he purely calls me honey/lovely/beautiful. It's strange that I haven't heard my name come out of his mouth in so long! Exevptwhen on the phone to his dad and talking about me..

At the end of the day, we have to grow up and our of the games At some point, settle down and begin living the sweet and subtle life. I'd rather do this with someone who genuinely cares for me and who I care about.
The mostimprotsnt things is having no regrets!

Honestly, I had a really stable upbringing with loving parents. This is why it was surprising to many that I was such a flop at relationships and kept going from one to the next. That's why I wondered if some people just gravitate towards intense and dramatic love and get their kicks off it - and if it can be cured or channelled positively into other things.

Yep. Can totally understand and relate. I crave drama and I think it makes me feel alive or validated. In my family growing up I learnt that negative behaviour got me attention.
I'm hoping to deal with my issues before I risk getting into any other relationships.

I completely relate. But I promise you there will be a point that you have had enough of drama. I was in abusive relationships from the age of 14 to 26. After that I met my lovely, calm, strong, reliable dh and I adore him. I don’t crave drama anymore, my heart had been broken too many times. I craved strength and stability. I adore my dh.

I've always had a vivid imagination and fantasise quite a lot, so I suppose a lot of those personality traits go together. It's almost as though I used the drama of relationships as an escape or fantasy - but I can't say why because I've always been quite fortunate in my life with my home life, career etc. It's as though I find everyday 9 to to 5 life in the suburbs boring and need romantic drama to spice things up. Sounds so silly, doesn't it?

It’s important to recognise the value of contentment, it’s very underrated in our ‘have more, want more’ culture.

Quite risky OP. Your thinking could lead you on a slippery slope to an affair, which gets discovered and all is tits up with a lot of people hurt. Is that what you want/need?

I'm another who nmes from a very stable background. People often assume that when someone is in a bad relationship it's because of them having a bad childhood. But one thing I read that really resonates with me is that sometimes when you come from a more secure/protective background, you then seek more adventure. I saw my family and friends as "safe", whereas the person I was with was anything other than that.
I also think that, in a way, the drama can be used to escape from some of your own responsibilities, as your mind will be often occupied with what they said/did.
That being said, in my case the drama was exciting for the first bit, but eventually I just wanted the situation to calm down.

If you want excitement, you can have it in other ways, with your DH. Go on adventurous holidays, for fun days out, interesting plays/museums, outdoor hobbies, whatever you like! ‘Stable’ shouldn’t equal ‘boring’. And just remember that drama and passion don’t put the bins out, look after you when you’re ill, or share the daily care of any future children. What seems exciting to you now as a young person will be stressful in the years to come.

I recognise that these thoughts can form part of that slippery slope. I've never cheated on previous partners but bounced from one straight on to the other. I'd like to think I would never cheat - I adore my DH and would never want to hurt him. My rational brain knows I lack nothing in my relationship and that seeking those 'highs' isn't healthy. I think I just feel things really intensely and crave the full spectrum of emotion from bad to good. I wonder how I can channel these emotions - I try and do things for excitement like travel, trying new things but I'll admit that occasionally I do miss the rollercoaster of relationships.

Maybe you and your dh could have more excitement together, move somewhere far away, retrain, or whatever

Op, from your 2nd and 3rd posts, I wonder: Is it because you've never done anything wild and risky?

I come from a living stable background, but was always quite rebellious. I went travelling for a year pre uni and had some adventures that would make you

I went to festivals, took some other substances and jumped into the tent with the man next door mistaking his tent for my eldest brothers, who I was there with!!

So I got all my minx out. Was only ever looking for a loving environment with a stable man. Knew the moment I met Dh.

Is it because you've never done anything naughty or daring? That this has become a problem?

Even now my mundane isn't mundane because I love my p/t job. And have 3 friends that I regularly go to Prague, Budapest etc long weekends and have fun, drinking, nearly getting arrested. That we still giggle about now.

Is it the cure for monotonous that your striving for?

There might be something to what you're saying @Oblomov19. My parents are both very white collar type professionals, conservative in their outlook although very loving and kind, and I suppose I've always been a bit of a goody two shoes in every area of my life except relationships. You sound like you've had a super fun life! I envy really free-spirited people, I'm too risk-averse to let loose - the only real outlet for my rebellious streak was my relationships.

Some good food for thought here. I'd love to be able to let loose a bit - DH and I do lots of fun things but I still crave more, but I'm not sure what. That's where my rich imagination tends to kick in

OP, in a word: therapy.

I can totally relate to what you describe. Today, I feel differently about life in a way I didn't when I was still in the throes of that drama. I can't tell you it's a change of mind, because it isn't. Rather, it happens as a result of something else - until one day you realise that things feel new, and you can't quite remember the point where that started to happen.

Drama is interesting. It's a drug, with palpable effects on the nervous system. It comes in cycles until the part of your body that has become used to alternating doses of adrenaline/cortisol and dopamine now needs to create the circumstances to get its 'hit' - whether through drama or the elation of something exciting/forbidden.

I used to think that anyone who didn't want this was boring. How could life be stable and interesting?!

Answer: it can. It just doesn't look the way I imagined it would. It's not boring; it's different. I want different things.

All down to one thing: therapy. It has been my saving grace. It might not be for you, but perhaps it's worth considering giving it a try - that is, if you're ready to give up all romantic notions of what excitement is :)