What is this? Is there a name for it?

[CarolDanvers]

Couple go out, sometimes to family gatherings, sometimes friends, mostly his. Children may or may not be with them. The husband is always the life and soul of the situation. He's funny, charming, intelligent and is always the centre of everything that's going on. He never makes eye contact with his wife, never draws her in, if she tries to talk to him he is looking anywhere but at her and responds to her as minimally as possible. If she moves to sit with him, he will move away to another group or go to get a drink after a few minutes. If she smiles at him and tries to catch his eye or engage with him he avoids that interaction. On the way home he is quiet and completely uninterested in speaking to her just scrolls through his phone rather than make conversation. He denies any of this if challenged.

This isn't me. I am very happily single. My friend was in tears describing it to me today. What would you be thinking? I'm trying to be neutral in my description of how he acts and not let my opinion cloud it. I will show her any responses.

It's called a sexless marriage and he's being passive aggressive about it.

He's checked out of the marriage.

Mmm - there’s no good explanation but there are two options to my mind -

Either: its about how he feels towards her so it’s passive aggressive- he’s angry with her or the relationship, harbours resentment or feels distant or detached.

OR: even worse but I have seen this - it is carefully deliberate (I have seen this) to control, arouse anxiety and create an emotional pain in some one else to keep them in a state of

Both bad - the first may be relationship issues - but the second is definitely one to run run run from.

• state of vulnerability

Why the fuck is she still with this knob?

Sorry to be crude. But let's be honest here.

Op, yes I'm with you, as said, I've seen it before so know what you're talking about. He doesn't want to show he is happy with her, or that he is with her for any other reason than he has to be and wishes to show his disinterest both publicly and in private.

It's not her fault, but it will be about both of them. In my experience when marriages breakdown, it usually takes two to make it happen. Of course sometimes it's an abusive person and it's all on them, but often a marriage comes to an end long before it actually ends and it takes two of them to do it.

Growing apart, no joint interests, limited time together, no sexual attraction, arguments, life basically, and then a third party enters the picture.

If he's not ready to leave he will probably deny anything is wrong. But he's disengaged from her and can't bring himself to pretend.

It will majorly affect her health.

He treating her with contempt and then gaslighting her about it. Your poor friend. He's not a nice person.

He sounds awful, he's putting her through mental hell for his own sanity.

Wouldn't surprise me if he plays that game on the outside so he can have OW

I'd call it contempt. There's no coming back from contempt.

Seen this and he left. Turns out he was having an emotional affair.

I would tell her to go for individual counsellor with someone who is also very experienced in couples counselling and can help unravel it.

I think I've seen this kind of thing before too. I think I've even had it done to me in the past; not by partners, but by friends (so called) and colleagues.

So yes, I definitely think you're onto something here. I shall be watching with interest...

He sounds bored of her. He should have the balls to end it, if he’s that unhappy

He's gone off her but doesn't want to end the marriage, so he's psychologically checked out. He can therefore do what he likes, behaving like a single man, not having to pay child maintenance and be a weekend dad.

Tell her to get out. Don't let her be m, sitting in a car in a wood somewhere crying my eyes out not wanting to go home because the indifference has killed her inside. Don't let her feel
So worthless that she begins to question her goodness, the inside goodness, because you would have to be a terrible person to be treated like that right? Don't let her self
Esteem become so low that she wonders, apart from DS, is she fit to be in anyone's life? It will come to that believe me.

Tell her how strong and beautiful, brave and powerful she is. Tell her that she is not worthless and not deserving of that treatment. Tell her how proud you are to be her friend. Tell her she can talk to you at any time about anything and please please keep on telling her she is not worthless or she will end up being me. Please don't let her become
Me

I would say he knows exactly what he is doing. He's not just sending her a message he's telling everyone else who's around them. Cruel and despicable. He doesn't care.

I'd be pointing out to your friend that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference and he is showing her (and everyone else) very clearly that he is indifferent to her and their marriage. After a while if it isn't already this will erode her spirit and could potentially give her anxiety and/or depression. I would suggest she get some counselling for herself and get her ducks in a row ready to dissolve the marriage. He's checked out he's just not got the balls to do the right thing and end it because he's a cunt.