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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out my husband has been cheating

18 replies

racdru01 · 14/01/2019 14:36

This is a first for me so hope this post is ok, I am needing some input into my life. A couple of weeks ago I found out that my DH has been cheating on me with at least 1 woman and have found flirty chats with another. I confronted him and he admitted it although said it was only sex and he blamed it on his mental health. We have been married for 15 years and have 2 DC's apart from the cheating there are so many issues with our relationship that I just want to call it a day. He is coming back to talk in a few days and I know he is going to blame his mental health for the decisions he has made. I just know that I can not forgive this and that trying to work on the relationship would have negative consequences as the trust is gone and I would be constantly at him. Anyone have any thoughts as i am feeling overwhelmed right now as I know he is going to blame me for breaking up the family by not even wanting to try.

OP posts:

FinallyFree123456789 · 14/01/2019 14:45

@racdru01

HE broke up the family when HE cheated.
It is not on you to fix him.
That is not your job.
None of this is your fault.

Sorry if that sounds harsh - but I was told this when my ex cheated on me when I was 6 months pregnant.

You sound like you have already made your decision about the relationship.
Let him say whatever he wants. You choose what you want to happen and decide how to best achieve your outcome for you and your DC

FinallyFree123456789 · 14/01/2019 14:47

@racdru01

Also, saying his mental health made him cheat is a horrible thing. He is trying to blame mental health for his poor actions.
I had depression and not once did I ever cheat on my partner!

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 14/01/2019 15:18

Both my husband and I are Aspies. We both have PTSD. I have chronic anxiety disorder, couple with depression. WE've been married 15 years We have never strayed. MH is not and excuse for cheating. Period

I'm so sorry you're going through this, for you ,

cinders15 · 14/01/2019 15:35

Your relationship is not working for YOU! End of story!
It doesn't matter what he does or how he does it - the trust is gone, and now you want to get on with our life, and that of your 2 DCs.
He can go swivel!
Put your ducks in a row - there are endless lists on here - ie getting paperwork, financials etc collated and if possible, not in the house.
Do you have somewhere for you and your DCs to live?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/01/2019 15:40

Struggling to see how he can blame mental health issues on his wandering penis...

Don't fall for it. Tell him to sling his hook. Why should he decide he's coming back in a few days to talk about it?

You do not have to talk to him. You can file for divorce today if you want to.

I know he is going to blame me for breaking up the family by not even wanting to try.

This is utter bollocks and you and I and everyone who finds out will know this. He broke up the family when he cheated.

So sorry you are going through this. But get angry and roast his cheating arse.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2019 15:48

His mental health issues caused his penis to enter into another woman? Right.

Get rid and move on. You deserve happiness and you won't get it with him.

OopsInamechangedagain · 14/01/2019 16:03

If the tables were turned and you'd been the one to cheat on him I doubt very much he'd blame himself for breaking up the family by refusing to put up with it. Remember that just because he says something does not make it true. He's obviously a liar so why should you listen to more lies about who is to blame? As long as you are comfortable with your own conscience that's all that matters.

Yearofthemum · 14/01/2019 16:09

Having mental health issues does not resolve a person from responsibility. He isn't taking any, and you are not happy. There are two women, possibly more. There are wider issues in the relationship . In this situation I thing I would call it a day.

YesOrNoThatsTheQuestion · 14/01/2019 16:11

They blame it on anything but themselves. He is a cunt and you should divorce the bastard as soon as. He will do it again and again.

Dimsumlosesum · 14/01/2019 16:12

If cheating were illegal, as say burglary, gbh, etc, would he still do it and blame it in his mental health? No.no he wouldn't. He cheated because aside from relationship breakdowns etcthere are no jail terms at the end of it. No police record etc. No repercussions basically. He is perfectly capable of not commuting a crime, and is using the excuse of "mental health" as a way to explain away cheating.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/01/2019 16:28

said it was only sex and he blamed it on his mental health
If he won't take full responsibility then there is nothing to work on.
To actually say that means he has not respect what-so-ever for you or women in general. He's happy to use and abuse basically. Yeuk. How unattractive!
You know you want out.
It's not just this.
I would ensure you meet somewhere neutral and have a friend on standby.
You need to be totally honest with him.
You don't trust him and never will again.
You've lost all respect for him.
You don't want to continue with the relationship as these fundamental things will not change.

It's gonna be tough.
He will pull out all the stops to 'hoover' you back in.
Write some notes before you go and take them with you so you can keep on track.
Write down all the things he has done.
Does he have any good points?

Godowneasy · 14/01/2019 16:42

He is coming back to talk in a few days and I know he is going to blame his mental health for the decisions he has made.

Tell him that YOUR mental health is to blame for the decision you have made to leave the marriage.

I'm sure your mental health will greatly benefit by leaving him.

Ferfeckssake · 14/01/2019 16:47

So so sorry you are going through this.I am in almost exactly the same position but no young DC to consider
And also a 1st time poster .SECOND PHONE..Thank God for this place .
I KNOW I have to separate but I dread it.So really feel for you .If I had DC , I know I would probably try to see if there was anyway you could stay together , if only so you could say you were willing to see if possible.
I guess the next part is getting the courage to begin the separation process.
to you .And I will hold your hand.!

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 14/01/2019 16:54

@Godowneasy Oh wow! excellent response!

OP HE doesn't get to call the shots now. If you don't want to talk to him (or rather listen to his minimising) 'in a few days' then simply don't.

Him saying "it was just sex" ugh. Were you supposed to say "ohhhh that's alright then!"
As a pp said, he has no respect for women at all.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2019 18:14

So as he's likely to use his MH as an excuse, are you expected to tolerate infidelity for the rest of your marriage?

Assuming his MH is part of him and incurable.

MH is no excuse for poor behaviour.

whynot93 · 14/01/2019 18:19

Where is he coming back from assuming he works away 🧐

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/01/2019 19:02

He can blame it on anything he likes, you don't have to bloosy accept it! Have a stock reply when he blames you and just repeat.

Don't engage, don't argue, don't try to get him to see it from your point of view, don't justify, don't tie yourself in knots trying to make him realise it's him.

Just repeat: "this marraige is over".

He can say and think anything he likes. Not your problem anymore!!

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/01/2019 19:03

Bloosy = bloody!

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