defining abusive

[user1479305498]

I am very interested in how others define abusive. There are obvious ones of course such as physical shoving, beating, violence, poking, name calling using both swear words or stuff like 'you fat pig' etc, and of course things like financial control or checking where someone is all the time and possible infidelity and large non ok habits (which are kind of abusive but in a different way).

However I think in a lot of marriages what some call 'abuse' on here, others would just call the partner being 'a twat'. When I look at my friends marriages and my own or listen to couples conversations in town I see examples of 'twattiness/impatience/control' all around, stuff like , 'come on, walk faster' or 'where the f* did you put my xyz' when they have clearly just mislaid something or 'why didn't you remember to xyx'. Subtle 'put downs' , Lots of 'stop looking at your phone/ipad etc, its bloody rude' when they have done the same thing themselves for long periods of time or letting partners do vast shares of the housework grind, whilst expecting copious praise for the odd things they do.. Are we really talking 'abuse' though? (is it overused) , or are we really talking about piss poor manners in relationships due to familiarity and confidence in the status quo in many cases.

I say this because someone who worked for us texted me to say that if she was me she wouldn't put up with the way my H spoke to me at times (business related) and felt it was abusive and bullying, whereas I felt he was just being very arsey on a bad day and in front of someone else (which to me wasn't ok) but I didnt make a big scene, just thought 'bollocks '. Interested in your thoughts. I know Atilla will say the mount of abuse acceptable is 'nil' but I guess what I am saying is what counts as being a twat and what do others feel is 'abuse'.

Everybody has moments of being "a twat" I think abuse is when those moments are the bulk of who that person is

If we get too caught up everybody is abusive occasionally (like having a verbal dig at the other person) but not in an extreme way (smashing their phone up, punching them etc.) or in a sustained manner (never saying anything nice, having a dig constantly)
So what constitutes abuse is extreme behaviour or sustained negative behaviour, not losing your shit a bit every now and then (we are all human, we are not all abusers).

It would depend what husband says to you to give context, if it's hurry up, stop being on your phone etc then no I wouldn't call that abusive.

Having said that your ex worker saying that is pretty concerning.

I think it's important that a certain level of non-physical stuff comes under the abuse term.

It's hard enough for people to find the strength to leave a relationship in which they're treated appallingly. Physical violence is at least these recognised as a perfectly valid, but it's too easy to be treated appallingly on a mental level but not see it as a good enough reason. Defining certain behaviours as 'abuse' probably helps them seem 'serious enough' for leaving - and I think that's a good thing.

However, of course it can be over-used as a label. I couldn't begin to comment on your situation, and hope your partner was just being a twat on non-abusive levels.

Physical violence is at least these days recognised as a perfectly valid reason,

I guess I typed my post way too fast....

If it's very occasional, out of character and clearly down to a shitty day, and they apologise afterwards, then maybe it's being a twat. If it's at all regular or part of the way they normally talk to you, I'd call it abuse.

I think it's a lot about the overall picture when it comes to snappy little comments. Yes, even one off comments can be abuse, but if it's an unusual occurrence or part of a bigger picture of generally respectful communication, I'd put it down to just "being a twat".

When it's actually indicative of a belittling, undermining or otherwise upsetting dynamic between two people, I would then say that relationship or that person's behaviour was abusive.

Lots of non physical behaviours come under the umbrella of abusive and crosses a line. What it means for the couple or individual has to be seen in context. I think we are all capable of abusive behaviour but that doesn't make us abusive.

If my DP called me a "fucking bitch" in a heated argument it is clearly abusive. I might call him out on it at the time or later. But it would be completely out of character and a one off. In ten years he has never come close to raising his voice and wouldn't swear at me or anyone else. It would be petty and hysterical of me to call him abusive.

Alternatively if he did it every day or week for years, then I think that is abusive behaviour (based on it being something I find offensive and demeaning). I imagine if it consistently happened I would stop calling it out and become worn down by it. It would effect my mental health, self esteem and confidence. It is impactful and damaging. I might not complain about him or realise it, but he would be abusive. This is a danger zone and the OP should look at whether it applies to her.

I think the blur of "one off & out of character incident" and consistent and frequent incidents happen as a relationship breaks down or during a stressful period of life. Quite often the high tension and stress of the situation means that people behave and act awfully towards each other consistently but which is out of character. It is abuse but I don't know if that makes the person abusive or not. But i do think the behaviour should be called out and addressed.

I think possibly the most useful measure for determining if a relationship is abusive is the impact on the (alleged) victim. It's not always enough to look at the extent of the (alleged) abuser's behaviour or the frequency of the (alleged) abuse. Do you feel your confidence or self-esteem is impaired by him? Do you worry about saying or doing the wrong thing in case you trigger him? Would you ever describe yourself as walking on eggshells around him?

Alot of the things I read on here I dont think are abusive but
normally gets labelled as it.