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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bolt out of the blue

4 replies

littlepickle25 · 14/01/2019 11:36

My husband of 10 years completely out of the blue told me just before christmas he no longer wants to be with me. I'm really struggling to comprehend whats happening as it was so unexpected - we always seem to have the perfect relationship and were very affectionate towards each other-a really close couple and family unit. All of our family and friends are in shock - we have a little boy together who we have not yet told. He says that I mothered him and that he felt I had no time for him which I disagree with. He won't say anything else though - it's although he has put up a wall between us and is now trying to wipe away 10 years. The last few weeks have been up and down, I moved out for a week expecting him to miss the LB so much but it's like he's suddenly dead inside. He was expecting me to leave and start again but I only work part time and would really struggle to find somewhere on my own (the house comes with his job so he can't move out). I also can't come to terms with being a single parent when it is the last thing I want. I looked at possibilities but in the end I have refused to leave saying that the LB doesn't deserve to be put through this as it is his home. We are currently living as friends which I can handle and he seems ok with it for now. He swears there is no one else and we tried going to relate but it was a disaster. I have said I would change and do what I can to make things right but he is adamant he just doesn't want to be with me. It is as though he has had a mid life crisis or a mental breakdown as nothing makes sense. He finds it very hard to talk and bottles things up which is probably why we are in this predicament. Has anyone been through anything similar and can you offer some advice? I have not been eating, I look dreadful and I just don't know what to do. I don't have family nearby but thankfully I have some great friends who are being there lots.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2019 11:40

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but I assure you there's another woman involved. See a solicitor.

Fonduefrolics · 14/01/2019 11:56

It’s sounds as if he is rewriting the narrative to your marriage - you mothered him, you had no time for him - this you disagree with. It wouldn’t be right that you change yourself to try and make HIM happy. What about you? There’s no guarantee that there is another woman but it’s likely that you’ll find out things that you never knew about him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. But my advice would be look after yourself and your child first and don’t lose yourself trying to please someone else.

(Also by mothering does he mean you’ve had to do all the wife work and organising etc etc as well as working part time and (presumably) being the primary care giver? Because many men are happy to have all that done for them until it suits them to accuse someone of being controlling)

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 14/01/2019 11:58

I think hes detaching himself. Unfortunately im sure a lot of people would say its because hes got another woman. xxx
You need to try and remove the emotion from the situation and get practical (i know its hard, iv been there) Have you spoken to anyone at citizens advise?
Your priorities need to be to find somewhere to live with your son and to secure yourself financially. Get angry get practical!
What he decided to do or not do is out of your control look after yourself and your child.

Birdie6 · 14/01/2019 12:04

I have said I would change and do what I can to make things right but he is adamant he just doesn't want to be with me

It's highly likely that he has someone else - sorry but this story is very typical. He has switched off from you and LB because someone else is in the picture.

Get lawyered up and move out . Staying with him would be a big mistake - he has already moved on.

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