I don't think I love him. Not sure what to do!

[feelingtrapped2]

Have name changed for this.

Bit of background. Been with DH 18 years. Married 7 of those. 3 children. The youngest is only weeks old. Currently a SAHM.

For a long time now I've been feeling like I don't love him anymore. He's quite verbally abusive to me and where once upon a time would show glimmers of compassion, I now can't remember a time I felt loved or respected. I'm just treated like a doormat really and this has really come to the fore of late when he's had to step up and do more due to the newborn and some other late pregnancy physical issues I've had. He's been even more abusive during these times and I have been reduced to tears at least 3 times. To make matters worse he asked me to "humour him" last night in bed because he's not had any action in months. I told him where to go! The thought of going near him in that way actually repulses me right now.

The thing is I feel completely trapped. I have no earning potential right now, not to mention the newborn, getting back into my field of work wouldn't be easy. I want to leave him but I don't think I actually can. I don't want the children to suffer either. I want to remain in the same school catchment too. I'm just a bit clueless as to what to do. I don't even think counselling would work, I feel like he's chipped away at me for so long that I no longer have any desire to make things work for him, although on some level I want to make things work for the family unit, if that makes any sense.

Just posting here hoping for some wise advice. I feel completely lost and sad about it all.

... and angry. I feel really angry that he can't just be a nicer bloody person to me and protect everything we have built together over the years. That's all he would have to do. Although possibly too late for that now I'm not even sure I love him.

Hi, I can't really help but I'm going through the same thing and hope someone has some advice...it's really hard isn't it.

 @BlueHawaii It's shit. Hope we can both find a way through this.

You are married to this person and thus have rights in law. Exercise them and seek legal advice asap re divorce. Contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women here too. Knowledge after all here is power.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like yours, no you would not. You should not either. Do not do your bit here to show your children that a loveless and verbally abusive marriage is their norm too. If you and he cannot be together any more then make a complete and clean break. Do not hang on in what is a marriage in which abuse is also present for reasons like a lifestyle you want to maintain, schools, kids etc. It does not wash with anyone and you would be a fool to your own self. The children certainly will not thank you for staying with him and could well wonder why you put him before them.

Joint counselling is never ever recommended where there is abuse present. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and there is no reason why you and he should be together now. You only need to give your own self permission to leave. He has done more than enough harm to you already in grinding you down to this low point. Do not give him tacit permission to do you and in turn these children even more harm.

It's horrible. Feel for you as I know exactly what you're going through.

There is always a way out; you are not as trapped as you think you are or he wanting you to think you are.

I don't disagree with anything you say. But practically speaking, I just don't know how it would work with immediate effect. In a few months when DS2 is older I could make steps to return to work, but that could take months, complicated further by finding childcare for three children. All doable, I know, but surely it means staying in this relationship for the time being. I've suggested he move out before to give us some space and he point blank refused. That would be the best option. He moves out and we work out a plan (like adults!) together to separate, for me to return to work, to find childcare we're both happy with, sell the house etc., all over a decent timescale with minimal disruption to the children. I just know that won't be how it plays out. He won't leave.

Why don’t you go see a solicitor and find out exactly what you are entitled to if you do split. Also google benefits and work out exactly what money you could get. Don’t tell him you are doing this. Start looking at how much outgoings you have eg mortgage and would housing benefit cover that. As a single parent you are entitled to things. As a married person you are entitled to things. Rather than making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, find out the facts and then you might be surprised to find out you’ll be fine financially. At least you’ll know where you stand

Your solicitor would help you to make him leave. You would get an occupation order. That’s why the legal system is there. To help you

Have you sat him down and told him how you feel? That your marriage is at critical low point? Would he go to counselling with you?

Abusive men more often than not always refuse to move out (he does not want to relinquish the power and control that he has with you so will not give you up that easily). You will have to employ legal means to get him out of your day to day life.

You may want to work out a plan with him but he will never co-operate with you. He is not going to play at being adults here and you already know this.

You also do not have to act on legal advice immediately but at the very least do find out where you stand legally. You are married to this person and have rights in law.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship LadyGAagain. OP here will co-operate in sessions and her abusive husband will not even if he did deign to attend. No decent counsellor would ever want to see these two in the same room together due to the verbal abuse. He really does think he is doing nothing wrong here in relation to his wife.

Ok. Will seek some legal advice on the downlow. I don't think benefits would cover mortgage for me on my own so I presume we'd have to sell the house or he'd have to buy me out. But I will check all this out. I am making assumptions to be honest. I just don't want to go to the extremes of walking out and into a hostel or equivalent, if you catch my drift? I want to behave like a reasonable person and not do anything that actually puts me and the kids in a worse position in terms of our basic standard of living. Especially with a newborn in tow.

I've said to him numerous times how I feel. It makes a difference for about a day and then he reverts to form. He can't be changed, as much as I'd like to.