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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex turned violent

32 replies

TheRedLady · 14/01/2019 10:02

Name changed for this. Ex and I have been split for just over a year, we have young children together. Since the split things have been very up and down, sometimes he acts the perfect father other times he just cuts us off and can go weeks without bothering to see the children. He got in touch a few days ago to ask if he could come and see them - told him not a problem, he often chooses to visit them at my home as he has moved back in with his parents and tbh, all I have wanted is for my children to have contact with their father so if that means contact takes place here, so be it. Before he left, we had an argument. Children were in bed by this point. Mainly arguing about the fact he can’t keep letting them down, how I go above and beyond to facilitate contact, how he picks and chooses when to pay maintenance etc etc. Out of nowhere, he threw me down on the sofa and put his hands around my neck, I didn’t feel scared, I just lay there, waiting for him to start squeezing but he didn’t. He got up, told me how I didn’t know what he had had to do to survive and went to leave. I was gobsmacked and didn’t know how to react, told him he overstepped the mark and that I don’t wish to have further contact with him. I suffer with mental health problems and have a GP appt later today about new medication. I feel I want to talk to the GP about this but I’m scared it will mean social services/police involvement. I do have a few bruises on my arm from where he grabbed me and quite a nasty one on my knee from trying to get him off me. I just don’t know what to do, other than cut contact. Any advice?

OP posts:

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 14/01/2019 10:04

Police. Next time you may not be around to post on mn. Protect your dc from this violent man. It's your responsibility.

sackrifice · 14/01/2019 10:07

You need to report it to the police so that there is a record.

Also, it is a red flag, men who strangle often go on to murder the people they just strangled.

He must never enter your home again.

Original poster

TheRedLady · 14/01/2019 10:13

Thank you so much for your replies. I am scared to go to the police and report him, other than a few bruises it’s his word against mine. I said some horrible things to him so feel like he was lashing out in response to that. Also worried about the children if police were involved, im assuming a referral to social services would be made. This terrifies me as I am so scared they will take my children, he uses my mental health problems against me and if he tells them I’m “crazy” will they remove my children? He won’t be coming in the house again. Blocked his number so he can’t contact me etc

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 14/01/2019 10:15

Please please report, at least to your GP in the first instance and then go from there.

whatsthepointthen · 14/01/2019 10:17

Yes they will have a duty to report it to SS im afraid.

sackrifice · 14/01/2019 10:23

If you don't report it to the police, especially when the bruises are visible then it will all be a figment of your imagination and you are playing into his hands when he says you are crazy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2019 10:24

Please report him to the Police. Your fears re having your children taken away are unfounded and based on supposition and unfounded fears rather than fact. They do not come in and remove children on an initial visit.

I would also use a contact centre rather than your home going forward for contact with the children. I realise that you want your kids to maintain contact with their dad but its at high cost to you and them too and its a cost not worth paying. He is also making any and all underlying mental health problems far worse. Abuse as well thrives on secrecy, do start opening up to people here like your GP properly.

He is saying all the usual sorts of things abusive men say to keep their target i.e. you cowering in the corner and seemingly without a voice. Womens Aid here are also well worth contacting on 0808 2000 247

Original poster

TheRedLady · 14/01/2019 10:26

If I report to the GP would they refer to social services? I have logged something with the GP once before, he would sexually assault me in my sleep and after the birth of our last child, I went to the GP about this who logged it and gave me the number for women’s aid. This is why the relationship ended. I never had police/social services get in touch so GP didn’t report. But could they report this? Sorry if I’m not making much sense or “drip feeding” I’m just very conscious of what I post

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2019 10:31

Your ex should be in jail for what he has done; he is a rapist as well.

Do not fear social services taking your children away.

Value yourself more and report him. There are consequences for his actions. As it stands there is nothing to stop him starting a relationship with another woman and doing the self same to her as well. Abuse thrives on secrecy, do not protect him.

TougheningUp · 14/01/2019 10:36

Tell your GP and report him to the police.

Yes, they might well refer to Social Services but you're doing the right thing by reporting, that will be seen as something in your favour. If you report him things will be put in place to help protect you; if you don't, you might well be dead next time he gets angry with you and then he will go to prison and your children will be alone.

Better that they have one responsible parent than none. Report report report.

lpchill · 14/01/2019 10:37

I understand where you coming from but social services are not there to take your children away. That is the last thing they want to do.

If it goes to social services they will contact you to arrange a visit. As long as your can show you are putting your children first (which you already are by seeing doctor about the mh and hopefully reporting your ex) then they will be there to support your children as reporting your ex will upset them.

You need to put yourself and your children first. What if he done it in front of your kids or done worse... no matter how much someone is wound up their is no excuse to attack someone.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/01/2019 12:45

SS are not going to take away your children for mh issues! Children need to be in immediate danger of harm before they would take steps to do that. They have also heard his lies many many times before and will see through them. If he is so concerned that the children aren't safe with you why has he left them with you? Why does he check up on them so rarely?

The best thing you can do for the safety of you and your children is report. The danger is him! police and ss will support you in keeping you and your children safe. From him!

You have your bruises and a previous assault log with gp. He could have killed you, and still could, and what would happen to the dc the .

MadeForThis · 14/01/2019 12:49

Tell your gp and the police.

Hands around the neck is a very serious assault. And dangerous. What if he hadn't stopped??

Littlechocola · 14/01/2019 12:50

Ss would be more concerned about not reporting. Next time it might be worse, next time it might be one of your children. Don’t let there be a next time.

Tell your gp but also share your concerns about reporting.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/01/2019 12:52

You absolutely MUST report this to the police. Tell your GP too.

He is violent. He is dangerous and he could do much worse next time.

Why are you so anti--reporting it? He could have killed you!!!

SS will not take your children away from you, but they can help you to protect them from him. He does not deserve any contact with them, and especially not unsupervised.

BlueEyedBengal · 14/01/2019 12:55

You need to report this to the police. What if he loses it with the kids? S s will be protecting you and your children from him , you are not the one that's done anything wrong it's him that's going to be the focus. You need protection before it escalates if he gets away with it now he will know no matter what he does you will let him do it. Get some advice from women's aid and don't let him in the house until you have protection.

BlueEyedBengal · 14/01/2019 12:57

Take photos of your bruises right now also.

GrandmaJane · 14/01/2019 13:00

Please report him, now. My husband tried to strangle me years ago, and I did not report it. I regret that. Please, he could be a killer, and even if he is not, he had no right to throw you down or put his hands on you. I watched something on YouTube last week about a psychologist type who works in preventing murders of women - she said if they strangle it’s a clear indication they are potential killers.

SparklyMagpie · 14/01/2019 13:00

Take photos of all the bruises and any marks and make notes.

I get it but please PLEASE report this! What if he hadn't have stopped? Frightening to think about

SS will support you and won't just take your children away

Please contact women's aid too

Bumblebee39 · 14/01/2019 13:00

Even if the police don't prosecute, it's important to have it logged with them and/or social services to protect yourself and DCs.

Plenty of parents have MH problems, that isn't an issue to Social services on its own. It's only if that means you would neglect or abuse them, or not be able to meet their emotional needs.

MrsJDornan · 14/01/2019 13:04

Even if social services get involved, you have nothing to worry about, their needs are met and they are looked after, he is in the wrong not you and even if he says you are crazy and have mental health issues they will see for themselves how you cope

He needs to be reported but if you don't feel strong enough going to the police then please at least tell your doctor as it will be documented, next time he might not stop and you may not be there for your children, they need you to protect you all

Original poster

TheRedLady · 14/01/2019 13:37

Thank you all for your replies of support. GP appt isn’t until tea time but I am going to mention it, if social services become involved then I’ll just have to deal with that. I think what scares me more is police involvement, what do I do if he denies it? The last time I woke to him abusing me in my sleep I said I was going to call them because I couldn’t take anymore, he stormed out of the house saying it was only “fingers” used and that he might as well go and kill himself because he wasn’t going to prison because of me! Also, I feel unsure they would do anything as he didn’t start to squeeze, just had his hands round my throat. And I’m scared, I’m not sure I’m strong enough I know it could have been much worse and I need to be strong for myself and the children but it petrifies me. I struggle talking to people irl and worried I’ll shut down rather than talk. Feels like such a mess

OP posts:

MrsJDornan · 14/01/2019 14:06

You are strong enough op, you have to be for your children

We are here supporting you, the police are there to help you and they will put you in touch with victim support who will be able to help in any way (just had them myself) I know it's scary but if you don't stand up to him now who knows what he might do

I'm glad you are going to talk to your doctor about it, the thought of social services is scary but they are there to help keep your children safe, they may even suggest a contact centre so you won't have to be around him but know the children are safe

Ribbonsonabox · 14/01/2019 14:15

Please do talk to your gp about what happend. You need a record of this in order to protect yourself and your child.
The only thing SS would do is recommend a contact centre so you do not have to see your ex. They are unlikely to get involved past that as he is your ex so it's not a case of you staying with someone who is violent to you. Please dont be afraid of SS they are there to help you and your child.
As for police involvement it doesn't matter if he denies it or not because there will at the very least be a record of what you have said so that if his behaviour escalates they can see the pattern etc
You should also keep a written record with dates and times of things like malicious communications and threats to harm himself with screen shots if possible.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/01/2019 14:25

You are strong enough. OP.

You were strong enough the break the relationship off.

You were strong enough to post on here (and come back to reply).

You are strong enough everyday to protect and love your children and put them first.

It doesn't matter if he denies it, the accusation will be on record.

You can do this. We are all right behind you.

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