I have been with DH for just over 6 years. We have a blended family - my ds 16, and his DD 13 and ds 10. We all live together and I am the primary carer for his children. We have always had a turbulent relationship, but since my father died at the end of October, it has become very clear that something is not right at all.
I have always complained that public dh is very different to private dh. If we were constantly in public then there would be no problem... Since my father died dh has become more and more withdrawn from me. In the hospital (with my family) he was so loving and supportive, but as soon as we returned home he treated me like I was invisible. He has not once asked me how I am dealing with the grief, he never asks how I am - when I confronted him and said that it was unkind to ignore my grief he flew off the handle. I sat there and sobbed about missing my father and feeling so alone, but he just shouted and raged at me for criticising him. I need therapy, I'm mad, he can't cope with me, I'm never happy so what is the point in asking. At that point I just knew that anyone who truly cared for me would never stand over me and make my obvious distress so so much worse.
This is an age old thing for us - I point something out and he will fly into a rage that lasts hours, then a sulk that will go on for days. If I approach him during the sulk to try and smooth out the problem then he will give me a shouty character assassination, with reasons why it is all my fault. If I let him stew then I am equally to blame. His default setting is rage when we disagree, despite my pleas that he stops screaming at me because it makes me anxious.
Financially I am unable to support myself. I have been unable to work for a couple of years - I have fibromyalgia, which isn't helped by stress. I only ever receive pip and child benefit for one child into my account. If I want grocery money I have to ask. I have no access to more than £400 at a time. The £3k that my stepmother gave after daddy died is in dh's account. When I asked for some of it to start a small craft business he asked me to list exactly what the money would be spent on and how I would be establishing the new business. He picks everything I create and any achievement to pieces. The sort of love and support I see in other couples is only ever in ours when there are spectators.
I live a few hundred miles away from family and am very socially isolated here. There has been a slow and steady erosion of all my old friendships and family relationships.
Ds is about to do his gcses this may/June and the dsc are very vulnerable at the moment - their mother is a recovering alcoholic, hence them living with us.
I know that I need to leave, but I cannot just walk out the door today, tomorrow or even next week. I need a sensible exit strategy that will cause the children and I the least amount of distress. Also, I adore the dsc and know that once ds and I leave we will never be allowed contact again, which will be heartbreaking. Part of me wants to hang on in there for the sake of our children - I really am the dsc's only stable parent. Just until they are a little older.
I don't want to leave everything behind and sneak out in the night. Our home is almost entirely furnished with my family antiques, paintings and furniture I had before we met. I know it is just stuff, but I don't want to give it up. Besides, it is just a shitty relationship with a petty little man, not a violent and dangerous one. I have hit my rock bottom and am going to build myself back up again. I'd rather ride a wave or two whilst I put myself in a position of strength.
If anyone has any practical suggestions I would be enormously grateful.