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Original poster

I'm not The One

43 replies

sparklesq · 13/01/2019 20:47

I got with my DH many years ago, just after he'd had a messy break up with his ex and had his heart broken. He would talk longingly and lovingly about her, wax lyrical about how much she meant to him and how he'd known she was The One and everything. I thought it was wonderful how romantic he was and hoped when we got further into our relationship that he'd feel that about me. I worried I was rebound but hoped not. To me, he was everything. I knew from the minute I saw him that I wanted to marry him and grow old with him.

Now, nearly a decade on, married with 2 children, I feel the same way. But he is.. happy. He's perfectly happy but he's never spoken about me or to me the way he did before. I know he loves me, but I worry he's not in love with me. If I ever ask him what I mean to him he'll say things like "your great" or if I ask does he think we were made for each other he'll say he doesn't believe in that rubbish. But he did.

I'm worried I'm not the one he was meant to be with, or at least he doesn't feel like I am. I think he settled for me. I don't think he'll leave me as he's one for the easy life and it's easier to stay married to me and not have to sell the house and everything, so I know he won't go anywhere. But I'm worried I'll have to live forever knowing I care far more about him than he ever will about me. Has anyone else been in this situation? Or been on the other side of it and can make me feel a little better? Is this something too trivial to even be upset over? Please go easy, this is hard for me.

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 13/01/2019 20:50

Does he simply struggle with expressing himself? He married you after all.

Nellabella · 13/01/2019 20:52

He probably only said that about her afterwards, maybe he never actually said it to her if you see what I mean?

sollyfromsurrey · 13/01/2019 20:52

He doesn't sound like he struggles to express himself as he was more than able regarding his ex. It dies sound like he's settled in some ways but maybe it's just that his love for you is less youthful and crazy and more deep and calm?

DogDayMorning · 13/01/2019 20:55

I wouldn't pick at that thread OP. What's the point?

CoffeeRunner · 13/01/2019 20:55

I’m thinking the same as Nellabella.

He probably never spoke that way about his ex either until she was his ex.

Haggisfish · 13/01/2019 20:56

Honestly, I don’t think relationships full of such passion as the earlier one you describe actually do last forever. Certainly in my friends, the relationships based on that have flounders. The longer, less intense slow burner type relationships have lasted.

LanaorAna2 · 13/01/2019 20:57

Well, she wasn't the One, was she. You are.

He wouldn't have told you all that about the ex if he hadn't been clearing it out of his head, so to speak. He might be one of those people who gets less idealistic about lerve after they have a bad breakup (ie most of us) but he still loves you. And only you.

And feeling that way about his ex made it less likely he would marry, not more - and he went for you. So relax, and be grateful you didn't marry a virgin :)

Greensleeves · 13/01/2019 20:59

Could be that the difference is simply that he's older and less full of youthful black-and-white nonsense.

If it was really bothering me though I would just ask him. Frankly, in terms he can't ignore. If you can't do that, then you really do have a communication problem.

Original poster
sparklesq · 13/01/2019 21:07

Ah thank you all so much for your comments. You really boosted me up.

I wish I wasn't picking at this thread! It's eating away at me

He does struggle to express himself, he's not good with words, but I can still remember the way he spoke about his ex and the things he said because I've never heard anybody speak about somebody in that way before outside of a romance book and I kept waiting for that to come about me. It never did. His wedding speech was a few lines long and copied off the internet, with no love or warmth and certainly no tears.

I do tend to think the way some of you have pointed out though, that teenage relationships are full of passion and feeling but they don't last. This is a real, long term relationship and it can't be hearts and flowers every day. That's all I hope this is, that this is more grown up and he feels secure enough to not have to tell me all the time how he feels.

But i'd just like it once. Just tell me once what it is you love about me, that you're glad she left you because you were made for me. I want him to be with me because he couldn't live without me, not because he can't be bothered to go through a divorce and find somebody new to wash his pants for him

OP posts:
DBML · 13/01/2019 21:11

Ten years ago he was a younger less mature person. He’s grown and so have you.
If he treats you with love, respect and kindness, then he loves you and so why torment yourself with these thoughts?
All the best xx

IamIwas · 13/01/2019 21:26

I think if you feel he loves you which you do that is enough.

Dahlietta · 13/01/2019 21:42

If somebody had a recording of the things I said about my exes when I split up with them years and years ago, I suspect I would actually die on the spot of mortification. If your relationship is good and you've no other reason to worry, I wouldn't keep torturing yourself over something that he said when he was a distraught young man.

IDECLAREBANKRUPTCY · 13/01/2019 21:52

It sounds like you're saying you don't feel he loves you, that he never expresses it - in which case I don't agree with other posters. I can't imagine going through life with my partner never expressing their feelings for me, I'm not sure how we would have ever ended up married.

MMmomDD · 13/01/2019 22:45

Let me summarise your thread:

I am in love with my H. He is in love with me. Been married for 10years.
There is a huge problem that is eating me up.

OP. Seems that in the past 10 years he has grown up into an adult. And your retained teenage ideas about there being The One.
There isn’t.
No one is ‘meant for each other’ either.

Some people are lucky enough to meet people who love them, and with whom they also fit on basic life level - which doesn’t happen as often as one would think. Love really doesn’t always concur all.

Shake yourself and read a lot of the MN threads about partners falling out of love, or just being plain miserable.
And if you are still not feeling better after that - it’s really on you. Some deeper issues with insecurities preventing you from feeling content with your life. And only you can fix them.

Good luck

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/01/2019 22:52

I’m against the grain here. I get you OP. You want to know that your life partner, the father of your children, loves you in a way he has loved no other.

Maybe tell him exactly how you feel - that the way he spoke about his ex has stayed with you and he’s never spoken about you in that way, and it hurts. You just need to know how much you mean to him.

Of course you may not get the answer you need so deeply.

Travisandthemonkey · 13/01/2019 23:18

Lots of people aren’t demonstrative, but at the same time, I would expect occasional moments of real meaningful love within a relationship, even if it’s over something little. And it doesn’t have to involve words.
Do you have that.

PolkaDoting · 13/01/2019 23:52

If you want to hear him talk like that about you, then leave him. People always want what they can’t have.

ILoveChristmasLights · 14/01/2019 00:02

Number 1 Rule: Do NOT ask a question if you’re not prepared to hear an honest answer.

I can TOTALLY understand your need to hear that YOU are the one for him. That he’s glad she left him and he met you. That he loves you above all else etc.

...but what would you do IF he said (basically) that he’s settled. ?!

Do you WANT the TRUTH? Or do you ONLY want to hear ‘good stuff’.

Be very careful.

Haggisfish · 14/01/2019 00:04

I asked dh to write me five things hecrealky loved about me for Christmas once. It was a lovely list.

Kennycalmit · 14/01/2019 00:09

I wouldn’t end the relationship or worry too much. Although I can understand why you are worrying. I agree with the others in that he might not express himself very well.

However saying that, I’m not sure why you stayed with a man who openly admitted to you his ex was ‘the one’ and would talk lovingly and longingly about her Confused

I mean, there’s a huge difference between being nice and positive about your ex to a new partner and then telling them your ex was the one and always talking lovingly about them ?

If someone told me their ex was the one I’d assume they weren’t over them and walk away.

Deadringer · 14/01/2019 00:11

Yes it sounds like the drama of breaking up with someone who he thought was his soul mate caused him to wax lyrical about her. Isn't he lucky that all that angst is behind him now that he is with someone who loves him as much as he loves her. You are happy together, you have a family together, life is good, enjoy it.

FixItUpChappie · 14/01/2019 00:22

I think in most relationships someone loves someone just that bit more....I think that's normal? I remember my mom telling me as a teen to make sure I be the half thats wanted more as woman are more badly off if things collapse generally. I've always remembered that conversation (though I ignored the advice Grin). There are different kinds of love too though? Your both older, you've a settled marriage. Perhaps it was a big love story with her but he's not with her is he? He's with you. Obviously mad love/infatuation isn't all there is to a healthy long lasting relationship. Regardless, I just think there is no point to picking at that thought? Just count your blessings, be a good partner and enjoy the fruits of your particular relationship.

Josuk · 14/01/2019 00:57

I was in love when I was 19. In a way the first love felt - like i’d die if we weren’t together. He was the One, etc. (at the time, obv)
Lots of heartbreak that relationship brought me.

Now I am in love for the n-th time in my life. And it feels right, and grown up and real.

However - am I happy that the 19yo me got her heart broken?
Of course not. It hurt like hell.
Romantic as it may sound to you - it’s a silly test you are putting him through to say you want him to be happy his past relationship didn’t work out.
It’s not natural to look at something painful in your past and be happy it happened.

The only relevant question here is if you and him are happy in the present. In the NOW.

Don’t look for problems where there are none.

Youngerthanyesterday · 14/01/2019 07:57

If he's non-demonstrative, I'd bet that he didn't actually say those sorts of things to her face, or maybe just hinted at it without saying them out loud. If he's not comfy saying them to the mother of his two kids and person he's been with for 10 years, I highly doubt he would have felt safe enough to express those things to someone he was still in the infatuation stage with.

There are different kinds of love also. And I always think of this quote: the magic of first love is the ignorance it will ever end.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/01/2019 08:07

No good can come of this.

I’m against the grain here. I get you OP. You want to know that your life partner, the father of your children, loves you in a way he has loved no other.

It's an understandable notion, sure. It sounds like his romantic musings were something you were attracted to at the start even though they were about someone else.

But if you ask him now it will go one of two ways.

He'll do his best to come up with something that reassures you and tells you he loves you, but deep down you'll know that he's doing it because you asked him too and you'll probably still be comparing it to what he said about his ex way back when.

Or he'll be honest and say that he doesn't feel like that - he has loved another, or he grew out of those notions, or whatever; and you'll be a feel bit short changed.

Are you unhappy in other areas? Feeling a bit under-appreciated? Your post seems to suggest you are madly in love with him but you think that he is only staying with you for an easy life. Is there something he does (or doesn't do, other than romantic proclamations) that makes you feel like that? Are you bored? Do you need more time together?