Does the anger ever subside?

[Thecrown3]

Hi I’ve had to change username but am a regular.
Question for those who’ve been divorced/spilt up.
I’ve been divorced now nearly 5 years, have a relationship of 2 1/2 with lovely man, moving onwards an upwards but ....
Every now and then, couple times of year I get really angry about effectively being a single parent and all my life or career choices being affected.
An example of this is today where end of last year I joined a gym, I paid for my ds to have an induction so we can go together ( me getting the much needed excersise ) rather than find somebody to babysit ( I already work full time) .
The ex dh does every other weekend but on week it’s not his weekend he collects ds and has tea with him and drops back , oh an btw the weekend it’s his weekend it’s not complete it’s late Friday night to tea time Sunday.
This week just gone he asks if can take ds to gym , so I think yeah that’s fun for ds.

But... come to this morning and we are going to go... ds says doesn’t really want to and gets in huff (starting tweens behaviour past few weeks) he says I went with dad Thursday.

And I’m angry now, not at ds, internally because it’s another thing of my time he’s stolen.i say that because since we spilt I’m the one that couldn’t further career, due to being consistent one whilst ex dh has gone through numerous girlfriends , gone on numerous holidays never taking his son, had flash cars, just doing 2 days per 14.
And although I’m in a good place now financially/emotionally - I still get that anger.
Anger at being left to sort all the responsibility for ds, inc care before or after school . Holidays, lunches , appointments just everything.
My dp thinks that it’s abnormal that once or twice a year, I get angry/upset at this.
I then question myself .

Anybody else ever feel like this or am I truly abnormal and need to kick self up arse ?

I don't feel its 'abnormal.' It builds up and spills out.

You are within your rights to be pissed off with how things have turned out and to resent your ex.

Your DP should be supportive, not critical.

As for DS, make him go to the gym with you.

Look at it another way. Your ex is missing out on so much but you've enjoyed so much time with your child.

Totally normal- it’s been 5 years for me too and every now and then I still get angry about it.

For me it’s things like when he’s had the DC for the weekend and they come back exhausted, no homework done, they didn’t have time apparently because they were too busy doing some fun activity. Then he’ll say with no sense of irony “I’d give them an early night if I were you”. It’s the fact that he gets to be the fun one and I have to be the boring one who makes them eat vegetables, do homework, go to bed etc while he just waltzes in every other weekend and is super dad.

My partner totally gets it though I tend to offload about it on my friends more often than not. Most of the time me and ExH do get on well though and I know he loves them, he’s just clueless.

Phew, at least I’m not only one .@teaantoastie it’s exactly same , he’ll give late nights, bad food, little hydration then dump back to me and before now I’ll get tears before bedtime from ds coz he feels sick or some such.yet for many years my ex said I was not being laid back enough with ds, in other words not giving late nights, chocolate Disney dad shit.
That’s because I’m the one who gets the call at work for ds sick or tears from tiredness !!
Every year he also promises ds foreign trips etc and they never materialise ( bit like everything he said as a hubby)

Dp does understand to a certain extent but then he’s not living with his kids as they stayed with his ex dp after her affair, so unfortunately I say to him , I’m sure at times he’s been a Disney dad.

It just amazes me how they create lives ( mostly men) then piss on it for a 5 min fumble ( or months with OW) and piss on their kids lives but also steal the lives of the women they leave behind

The tides will turn ime op.
Be patient.
Ds's had a df, I had a life of drudge.
Ds's hit teens and realised who the real parent was.
Actually nc with df now. Been for a few years.
If he had invested time /care /love and not just cash he may have had a chance of a relationship with them.
They are happy, amazing dc and we are very close.

10 years on from the split I still get the rage when I think back to things XDH did 15 or 20 years ago.

Yep I feel like this too. Hard not to when you are the one doing 95% of it all, it wasn't what I signed up for certainly.
I'm 6 years in in a few weeks but I still feel the rage, I'm also jealous that he has been able to start a new relationship while I'm too busy and undesirable to date being a single mum of three.

Hopefully as the children grow so will their appreciation for the work I've put in.

I know that as each year passes it’s gets easier in the actual physical care given/ but then the mental challenges start with teens.im sure that’s gonna be far harder than the primary years
The sun shines out if ex dh arse too and he’s full of beans and not naggy like I guess I would seem grrr
I just get tired of every decision I make from as simple as going to gym to the recent career change I’m undertaking has gotta be thought through in a 1000 combinations/outcomes.
It’s fucking tough isn’t it and once in a blue moon I feel like crying with the weight of it all.
I’ve decided to take on a secondment for a year, but first week in it’s been tough with childcare arrangements , I already feel defeated and that I may have done the wrong thing. It’s eating me up but realistically I know it’s only the first week and will get better ( or that’s what advice I’d give to a friend !) but it eats me that ex dh earns treble my money and can agree to any job, night out etc .
Is it also eating me more because I’m period of change ?

I know exactly what you mean.
Yes the anger goes. Well at least it has for me.
Exh has tonnes of money, new life, doesn’t even bother seeing his kids at all. Avoids maintenance. Drives bmw, own successful business.
Meanwhile, I’ve raised our children completely by myself, whilst working ft. Struggled financially, new trainers, school trips, bus fares.....tonnes of food but, my children are older now, 21, 17 & 16. They make me so proud and I’ve done it all by myself.
My kids know how hard I’ve tried for them and they actually really appreciate it. Each of them are working really hard at uni, a levels and gcse’s.

The alternative was to stay married to an aggressive narsassist who spent no time with the kids before. Im really close to my kids.
Anger gone, pride has replaced it.

@ozziewozzie I so hope that will be me/mine?!
Crazy coz on bigger scale you hear women dying of cancer so young with young kids and suddenly think omg what if something big happens like that after all this struggle - it’s so sad.
I guess I sound anxious reading all this, it’s taken years to get back on feet in heart and body, I’ve rocked boat out of comfort zone a little with job change and then a hissy fit this morn with ds and dp- shakes my foundations I guess

I'm the same. I can't get rid of the anger that EX-twat has left me with the two children (one autistic and one with an eating disorder). He doesn't even live in the country and flies back to the UK periodically to be a Disney dad whilst staying with his mum who still washes his pants and treats him like a little girl (no joke... big "mother issues" going on there!).

Having said that, Ex-twat is the most unhappy I've ever known him to be and is stuck with a foreign OW who is 20 years younger and is back to changing nappies again after 23 years !!

You have to laugh ;)

Yeah mine seems to go through girlfriends with children like hot water, funnily enough he plays great dad to them but not to own, then they end and he’s on own for ages ( at least 2 weeks) before another females name gets mentioned by ds that whatever her name is is nice and came and played golf with him and dad etc an so it starts again !

I’ve been my own worst judge. Put loads of pressure on myself. I really don’t think I’d change how I’ve parented though. I’m now back to changing nappies with a 3 yr old and 10 mth old ha ha must be bonkers but, to see my older children with the babies is really heart warming.
All three will be fantastic parents and say and do things I’ve said and done with them.
Please don’t under estimate what a seriously good job you have done and are doing.
My exh doesn’t deserve to even be biologically related to my kids.
There is a massive difference between being a dad or mum and actually parenting a child, nurturing them, caring for them when they are sick, disciplining them, hearing them even when they say nothing, supporting them, providing for them, loving them, (throttling them sometimes) Not to mention taking care of yourself, working, financing, shopping, cooking........ Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I have no family in this country, so I know ex’s rly what you mean, should something happen.
All I can say is, look after yourself so you can be the best version of you.
Ps, they say only the good die young so in that case, start having some wicked moments or treats for yourself

Thecrown3-I don’t think the anger will subside. People who walk out of relationships involving children are irresponsible and just giving themselves a holiday from responsibility. Since my wife walked out I’ve maintained the family home entirely on my salary and when my son is home from university obviously feed him, wash his clothes and clean the house. My wife is in her bosses flat and just does nice outings and meals out. He’s getting more independent and does cook sometimes. My wife gives him about twice the money I do but obviously doesn’t have to maintain a home.

7 yrs separated, 3 divorced. Xh pays nothing, sees dd 3 times a year. I do the whole everything alone. Single and will remain so- dd had such traumatic experiences with a couple of his gfs she has begged me never to put her through the horror of having someone else in her life. I hate that I get angry, but i fear he intermittently always will.

How old is your DS?

Ds is 11

I feel exactly the same OP.

Words can't describe my shock at the betrayal, I'm honestly still struggling to believe it.

When we met 20 years ago, if he'd deliberately chosen to fuck up my life as much as possible, he couldn't have done a better job. Nothing was more important to me than our relationship, I built my entire life on it.

It sounds melodramatic to describe it as being abandoned but that's just how it feels.

Well I wasted 13 years on first marriage, ex dh cheated.
Tried the second time ex dh cheated after 10 yrs so 23 years wasted over time.
Not as bitter about first as we got together as teens and he was a much better person .
2nd dh was an arsehole from start to finish . Should have read the signs a lot better. He was outright nasty and it’s only 1 year we re able to hold brief conversation without fighting.
I don’t mourn the loss of the marriages, I mourn the loss of dreams/plans/finances and what I could possibly have achieved... may have been bugger all, may have good.
But I certainly aged in the last marriage with the mind fuckery, and obviously being sole carer:-(

It’s not unusual. I’ve been divorced for 5 years you, have 2 dc and my ex sees them
Eow and a week during the holidays.

I feel exactly the same and it pisses me right off. He picks them up Friday afternoon then drops them off Sunday evening. So although I get 2 nights free out if 14, it’s only actually 1 full day. I can’t have a long weekend away or go to the gym or work late etc etc but my ex can do all these things without even thinking about it. No homework, no early nights, no school days or mornings

I think there should be a lot of shame attached to leaving the family you created (assuming no abuse or other misery).

One thing that still makes me cross is that no one's cross with xh. He's totally got away it! I wish I had a brother or someone who could give him a piece of their mind.

I'll never tell him what I really think of him, to protect the dc's relationship with him. Argh the relief if I could only tell him!!

mine seems to go through girlfriends with children like hot water, funnily enough he plays great dad to them but not to own, then they end and he’s on own for ages ( at least 2 weeks) before another females name gets mentioned by ds that whatever her name is is nice and came and played golf with him and dad etc an so it starts again

☝️ Sounds like you’ve described my ex to a T! I think it’s perfectly normal to feel anger in the circumstances. I’ve quite recently split with my ex and we have a 3 month old DD, he is bouncing between women (again) with no regard for his child. We’re the lucky ones though because we have the unconditional love of our children and when they grow up they’ll know the truth.

Keep doing what you’re doing you sound like a great mum!

Well he's a little too young to be left but before you know it you'll have yr freedom back.

It's totally understandable
DTs don't see their dad because he can't be arsed.
They are fantastic teenagers now and DP. & I are so proud of them but it makes me SO ANGRY that he dropped them like a stone when I left him, that he does care enough to pay maintenance or keep in touch. That he has never sent them a birthday card or Christmas card, bought them a gift, taught them a skill ... nothing

I'm not sure if I'd recognise him now but I would cross the road to avoid him. Although another part of me would like to denounce him to his present life, to show him up for the uncaring, selfish man that he is.

Thanks for taking time to reply everyone.
It tells me I’m not some bitter ole woman completely.
It’s just a day , like a day , maybe twice a year you just get annoyed.
I guess dp doesn’t get it. He’s very “ this is the situation deal with it” - which to my mind I am but I don’t always have to be like Mary bloody poppins smiling all time getting on with it.
I have got on with it, I’ve done nothing but get on with it, coz that’s what all of us posting here have had to , for the children and ourselves.But it appears that in getting on with it nobody is allowed to feel bitter or angry , but so many of us do eh?!
Oh well, today is another day, I’m up for work, the anger an all those feelings will subside until next time