How do you fall back in love? Not sure I can, feel like too much is wrong

[Stumpedwhattodo]

I don't feel in love with my husband any more and I feel so sad and worried about our future. It's a complicated range of things that in many ways are not major issues, it's not that he's done anything awful, but they add up to me not feeling like he's the person I fell for, and I don't think I'm the same person either so if we met now I don't think I'd choose to be with him. Does that sound like the end of the road or can I solve this? I don't want to ask him to change as it's unfair on him I know. Feel gutted. Anyone experienced similar and sorted it out?

We have one gorgeous DC and have been together for over ten years. I was young when we met and a bit idealistic about love whereas now we have a family to support and I wish I had chosen someone more like me, on same page about trying to progress at work and improve our life and with a more driven outlook. Its hard to explain but I feel let down as he used to be quite disciplined about things like health when we got together, was well read and we could talk about things that interested us. Has always felt like my best friend and I felt like we wanted the same life. Now he struggles with the motivation to get on with things and, silly thing but can't completely quit smoking as he smokes a vape pipe. I find it a major turn off. He hasn't progressed at work and I want to shake him to get him moving. I drive most things we do like places to go, holidays, get us on with improving the house and get stuff done. He seems a bit complacent in key areas and it is definitely affecting my respect for him. I feel so guilty feeling it as he is the best dad and committed to us. Im an emotional person and I don't feel like my emotional needs are met anymore and he used to be the person that did that. Struggling to explain. Complicated situation with things like my pnd, now gone but it did damage, finances tight with a DC and the realisation that it's all on me to improve that side of our life. I feel resentful about that for sure..

People don't get better with old age. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Are you selling yourself short? Are you staying out of fear of loneliness/not getting anything better? (I have been where you are and understand how hard it is, not being goady). Xxx

Couples therapy?
Emotional focused - EFT
Devised by Gottman

I would have counselling alone to begin with, for you, to help you think about what you really want/need from this.

I did this myself when I was in a similar place (even down to the loss of shared goals and realising that we were probably always too different for it to work - married 15 years) and it really helped. I called time on it though rather than deciding to put up with it.

Thank you for the replies.

It's not that I've consciously stayed for a while out of fear of lonliness, it's like the feelings have crept up on me and now feel significant rather than niggles and I find it hard to even admit how I feel. Thing is he's amazing in so many ways, kind, funny and we've had such good times together and often still do. Part of me feels like I need to try and be a better person and then I might appreciate what I have rather than want more. Do I sound like I'm being unfair on him, I really expected if I got any replies it would be grow up and work on your marriage etc. I'm so confused! I think I need counseling for myself and other issues too to be honest so maybe that's the way to go to start figuring it out.

I am not saying don’t try OP, and I only have experience of my situation.

Every few months we would have a disagreement because I brought up the fact that he was emotionally unavailable, he viewed everything as an attack so it never went well. Refused to work on himself, was very happy when I just left him to get on with whatever it was he wanted to do.

In the end I decided that I would rather be alone. I remember waking up feeling completely panicked after I had made my decision. The thought of not being married to him was slightly terrifying because I still loved him.

It is all very recent and I miss him but I know that I would never have been happy and decided that was no way to live for the rest of my life.

Just wrote a reply that didn't post. The problem is if it were just me I would consider ending it but we have a child and they adore each other. DC is only 2. Is it selfish of me to break the family up because I'm dissatisfied with him? I wish I'd had more relationships and worked out what was important in a partner and chosen differently. That sounds awful because in essentials he is wonderful, moral and good etc. It feels like 'wants' of mine rather than needs. Is it possible to ask him to change to make me happier? I'm prepared to do the same if he has similar gripes. Is this what counseling as a couple would explore?

I would say it would be easier now than later on child wise (mine was 12 and old enough to understand sadly).

I don’t have any experience of couples counselling as It wasn’t something that H would entertain.

I knew I needed someone to help me work things out as I went round in circles for a very long time on my own trying to decide if it was bad enough to end it.

I don't feel like I can discuss this with anyone in real life. I can't deal with the thought that I've messed up so badly. I think there was a niggle that it wasn't right due to his lack of drive, but I thought he had a lot of potential to do more with his career etc and I could help him. It now it so much more important now we have a child to support and I'm sick of feeling the pressure to improve our life alone. He doesn't demand a better quality of life, it all comes from me but that in itself annoys me. I want someone who has the same goals and suggests things like right here is what we should do to pay off the mortgage quicker and pay off debts and invest etc. Someone who says what shall we aim for, a big trip to a dream destination so how are we going to get there. He does none of that but occasionally bemoans the fact we can afford to do things. It is frustrating

thanks @Antiquevintageandrusty I do think it sounds like counseling alone might help. I feel so conflicted. Sometimes he is like my safe harbour and why on earth would I end it, then I swing to all the feelings I said above. It's exhausting being in my head sometimes I think I'm emotionally high maintenance

I’m going to take the opposing side here. You’ve got a really small person. Give it time. In my experience, it took me a few years to just feel more like myself after having the kids. You can’t make a balanced decision until you can completely trust your own judgment. It could be that you feel a bit trapped because you feel like you can’t leave because of the children. When you don’t feel trapped anymore, you might actually find that you never were. Good luck!

I can only suggest that you try counselling for yourself.

I found it invaluable, I went to the BACP webpage and trawled through the profiles of everyone within a 25 mile radius. I drive further than that but I chose well and knew from the first session that the person was right for me.

Your child is only 2, your relationship has gone through a huge shift with the two of you becoming a family of three.
I definitely have gone through times of noticing things that I wouldn't have done pre-DD, and my relationship with DH has definitely changed. But change is not always bad - relationships of any kind never stay the same over long periods.
How does your DH feel? Is he happy with his life? Maybe he would like to get more involved in plans etc. but feels that's something you've always done. Making a conscious effort to share - not just chores, but life, stories, plans, ideas - it's a discipline and definitely easier not to sometimes!
Don't underestimate the value of a kind, loving and committed parter. The grass is greener where you choose to water it.

I think you need to speak to your DH about this. It sounds like it may be fixable, or it may not. It seems only fair to speak to him though to see if the two of you can find common ground. As a PP said, your DS is very young, and that is enough to suck the energy out of a lot of people. I know I lost a lot of focus at work when my DS was little as he used up all my energy. It came back when he was older and less needy.

Oh gosh I'm so where you are. Though the trigger for me acknowledging these feelings was DH having an emotional affair for 2-3 years. It ended a few years ago and it's taken me this long to have the strength to acknowledge how I feel. If I'm honest I felt like this before he did anyway.

Now he's more committed than he's ever been, and I think that has also been quite confronting. But everything you wrote, a great guy in a lot of ways, great dad, we get on well, rarely argue, he's tried to change some things with some success but it makes no difference to how I feel. Also he's happy kicking about the house all the time, doesn't want to go out but will if I organise. So I'm afraid I don't have answers but I wanted to say I get it. I feel the same and am wrangling with the same decision. 2 DC's by the way for us.

I do fear it's a case of grass is greener or I'm chasing a romantic dream. At the end of the day I know relationships take work and they change and evolve and I realise I'm lucky to have a committed kind partner. Would be crazy to throw it away. I probably do need to get out of the little children phase to be able to see clearly. But I can't help feeling irritated with him. I want him to make some big decision or solve some problem we have and just take charge in some way! He seems so passive. Aaargh. Not articulating this well at all. I struggle with not feeling enough pride in him and that's the basic problem. I feel so mean

I suppose I want to sit back and let him be the doer in our relationship for once. The strength. I'm tired of driving a lot of stuff and decisions. Does that make sense?

It makes a lot of sense.

What would life be like on your own? While there is a good chance you will meet someone else eventually you will be on your own by choice or not for years. Would it feel better driving all decisions when it is you on your own? Is it the resentment and mismatch that's killing you rather than the decisions themselves?

I don't want to be on my own. I think it's the mismatch that's the problem and lack of pride. I want him to step up and be the person I thought he was/would be. It's like I've grown and progressed and he hasn't. I don't want to bring our child up separately at all. I am sad because I feel I made the wrong choice really not because I'm seriously considering leaving. I suppose a lot if it boils down to finances, I long for him to come home and say he's gone for a promotion or new role and succeeded and we can enjoy an easier life. I don't want to do it all myself. Basically for me it's an unsolvable problem as I know I'd never end it while DC is growing up. Not unless doing so would be better for them rather than worse

Unless you sit down and have some serious conversations with him you are only hearing one side of the story, yours - you have no idea at the moment what his take on everything is.
You may find after talking to him, that he's incredibly proud of you and your achievements, and is happy to be a support for you if you want to progress further - nothing emasculating about that, plenty of men do it. Or he may be feeling that he's stuck in a professional rut & can't gear himself up to do something about it - as his partner that's something you can help and encourage him with, maybe he doesn't even know he needs that.
If your relationship dynamic from the start until now has been that you are the planner, the doer, the go-getter etc., it would be a bit unfair to suddenly want that to change (especially if you haven't actually told him of that expectation!).

I remember hitting a similar wall when DD was 2 - I was doing a lot of the grunt work with nursery pick-ups etc. while it was always 'impossible' for DH to change his working hours. But I'm the more ambitious and, now, the higher earner, and it absolutely did my head in. I exploded one evening, I was properly miserable with the status quo, something had to change. So, over days and weeks, we talked and made some changes. Time moved on, DD grew up a bit more, salaries increased a bit so finances weren't so stretched... Our relationship will never go back to the pre-DD time, but we're parents now and I have the most enormous respect for him as DDs incredibly capable and devoted father. I also respect that he has different priorities and ambitions in life. We're not the same as each other, we complement each other.

Talk to him, you're a team. It's not on you to find a fix, but if there's a problem on your side then it is up to you to open the dialogue.

@MissSueFlay thank you, that is such good advice for me to reflect on. I think it is partly to do with grunt work on top of being the higher earner. Even though he does a lot I still feel like I think ahead more and plan and I wish he would do this. Maybe talking it through will create enough positive changes... I can't make him a super successful high earner, isn't going to happen and it's not that Im not prepared to do that myself it's just that I feel so tired and sometimes want to feel like he's taking the strain. I think if he took complete charge of some areas of our life so that I can forget about them it would ease the load and I can focus on work etc. But then there's always some financial worry, not major but enough to say divert money to something different and we feel back at square one. No prospect of moving to a better house and everything is a compromise. I see a lot of friends in much easier circumstances and can't help but feel envious. I know that's nothing to be proud of, I wish I didn't feel that way.

Thanks everyone who responded, it was good to get some feelings off my chest, get some perspective and I think counseling for me is an idea I need to pursue