Woefully low self esteem and no confidence in dating, but genuinely don't think I can fix myself

[SkaterSkirt]

I am mid-30s and I've never had a boyfriend or any sort of romantic involvement. I had a perfectly happy childhood etc, was a geeky teenager. Thought I'd meet someone at uni... it never happened, assumed it would surely happen before I was 25. I've been asked out on a date once but I said yes and he disappeared. It really hurt (I know that was stupid because I really barely knew him).

I've signed up for OLD on and off. I find some men physically attractive but tbh I just can't believe that they would be interested in me.

I know I need to relax but I just can't. I find it all so difficult and yet I want a partner so badly.

Oh the title is because I keep reading the advice that I need to be happy within myself, but I can't be happy within myself because I'm missing out on so much.

It’s true that you need to be happy within yourself before any relationship can make you happy! Someone should not be there to “complete” you and you are the whole thing yourself, not half of something! If you don’t believe you’re good enough for people ultimately that will rear its head again regardless of any relationship!
That said I can appreciate after feeling this way for so long it might be hard to break the cycle and gain that self-confidence without the romantic reassurance, but to get that you need a degree of self-confidence which makes it a vicious cycle!
Have you thought about seeing a life coach who might be able to suggest some positive steps you can take to improve your self esteem?

If you dont think you can fix yourself, what's the answer? Its a genuine question, and isnt meant to be snarky.

Have you evrr gone through with any OLD? Maybe try something like Tinder or Plenty of Fish, where there are lots of people who just want to date casually.

Do you have friends? Hobbies?

I have a small group of good friends and I have friends at work. I don't think they know how much being single bothers me. They all found it so easy. I'd be too embarrassed to go on a date with anyone they knew because I'd inevitably make a complete tit of myself.

I have a few hobbies but have never met anyone beyond pleasant chit chat.

I like my job, I have my own flat, I drive and I'm quite well travelled. I just don't seem to have the relationship signals.

Given the horror stories we read about online dating, I doubt if it would be a good idea. Maybe she could ask her friends if they know anyone? Even a platonic date would let her get some experience in interacting with men one on one.

Tinder might be good because you can only chat to people where you've both swiped (ie liked) each other. Then just go on some dates and treat it as practice. It can be something really quick like a coffee. Treat them like a work colleague, maybe with a bit of extra smileyness.
Everyone gets nervous OP. Sometimes you've just got to 'fake it to make it'
You sound lovely and I'm sure there will be someone out there for you. You may not find them first time so try to see dating as a bit of an experiment and don't take it personally.
Good luck.

I am 39, and the closest I have come to romantic involvement is when someone smiled at me on the street last week and I panicked, froze and totally deadpanned them , quite literally never been kissed.

I completely echo your sentiments above, I came to the conclusion that I cannot fix myself and have recently started seeing a psychotherapist to try and tackle my avoidant behaviors. I came to this decision after taking many months with a fake OLD profile before eventually creating a real one, to then end up totally unable to 'swipe right' on anyone at all, looking at OLD has become a pity party.

Put simply, the feelings that stop you from forming relationships are stronger than the ones which tell you that you want a relationship.

I think much of the advice in this thread is well meaning but very unhelpful, 'just go on a few dates' sounds exactly like 'just cut your arm off' or 'just throw yourself off a bridge, honestly its great fun' and for me only serves to highlight how differently I feel about this to 'normal' people, strengthening how pathetic I feel am.

OP, I noticed a couple of specific phrases you used that really resonated:
"tbh I just can't believe that they would be interested in me."
This is exactly how I feel too, this is because we do not value ourselves, so cannot believe anyone else would.

"I like my job, I have my own flat, I drive and I'm quite well travelled"

I say things like this to myself as well, rationally I know I have worth or value, I know there is no real reason I cannot do this, yet still I cannot.

"They all found it so easy. I'd be too embarrassed to go on a date with anyone they knew because I'd inevitably make a complete tit of myself."
You know these are examples of mind reading and catastrophising?
I do this too, it's because I think people will always assume the worst about me no matter how well I do, for me it's down to low self-esteem and extreme waryness of others.

It was actually a course of CBT for depression and workplace stress which made me realise just how much I valued being able to talk to someone completely openly, and thus how much I was missing by not being in a reationship.

I'm afraid I don't have any helpful advice, all I can say is that you do deserve to be loved, both by you and by someone else, if self-awareness is not enough to overcome this, then professional help might be a way forward.