He wants to leave - please help me

[Serena321]

We've been together 4 and a half years. We have 3 year old DS. Things have been hard for a while now, I struggle with my MH in general (I think he does too) and he's had a long-term issue with his back which he's uncomfortable with pretty much 24/7 and that has made him hate his life and makes things more difficult when he's in constant pain, can't sleep, has to work long hours etc.

We've come close to splitting up a couple of times in the last year (always him wanting to leave, sick of his life, wants to rot alone etc.) I try to support him as much as I can (im a SAHM to our son and im with him 24/7, I have no outside help. He's an easy child but it is still wearing) but his physical issue hasn't improved despite him seeing a chiropractor fairly regularly, after exhausting other options like GP and physio. I feel like this is the main problem here. Before he was suffering with his back he was really active and physically fit but he's deteriorated in the last few years, which I know bothers him as he's lost muscle mass and strength.

Anyway, a bit off-topic sorry, things weren't great over Xmas and I felt like I was treading on eggshells and feeling nervous about us because things have been difficult for a while. Things came to a head last night and we had an almighty row. And have barely spoken since. I've tried asking him to make up and talk and start to work things out but he's not interested. I wrote him a letter today pouring my heart out about how much I love him and how devastated I am and basically begging him to stay, but he's opened it (No idea if he read it or not) and just left it on the side. I feel like a fucking mug!! I put my feelings down in writing because if I attempt to talk about this face-to-face I end up a snivelling mess and I don't want that infront of our son!! When I'm crying and emotional infront of him he doesn't comfort me at all and is adamant that "there's nothing to say" etc.

Today has been hell. I've been stuck in the house with him and our son, my heart absolutely broken and trying but failing to hide my tears. He's shown me no affection or comfort, it's like I'm not even there. When I was crying in the kitchen tonight he came in and said things like "do you think I want this" "I'm hurting too" I mean I could've gone for him, he's not the one who's been sobbing on and off for 24 hours or begging their partner and embarrassing themselves.

I know he loves me, he tells me so, but he says he's doesn't want a relationship anymore, he doesn't want to be around anyone anymore - not just me. I'm on my fucking knees right now. We've not got a pot to piss in, our house is council (in my name), he's got nowhere he can go unless he borrows money and goes back to family 600 miles away, plus I have no job or childcare! We struggle as it is and he's on good money. It's making me sick with grief and rage overthinking that he's here only because there's no where else and I can't carry on like that if he serious of leaving!

This whole post is a massive mess and I probably haven't explained it very eloquently, but it's late and my whole body is aching and I don't have anyone else to turn to for advice. So I'm hoping one of you can help me!

Im going to be practical as it sounds like time apart may be something that you need from each other. I’m sure you will be entitled to help financially if you are on your own. Check it out on entitledto.com. You say he is earning good money so why have you nothing left? He would also have to pay child maintenance to you.

Agree a break may give some perspective but if marriage is over he will need to support you financially. Sorry you are going through this

Stop begging and crying, OP. Let him go. You are clearly miserable and the break will help.

Get him to leave and make a claim for benefits. Then create some life goals for yourself-training, job, career, whatever.

Why haven’t you got a pot to piss in OP if he’s on good money? What’s going on with that. Do you have access to the money he earns?

I think you need to let him go. Maybe abit of time apart will help. Financially there's stuff you can claim until you get a job of some sort and until then he will have to support you finically

We're skint all the time, we're fucked from Xmas and most months in general we just go through the money like water. We have a lot of outgoings, both smoke and drink so it all adds up. I'm so broken. Tried talking to him again last night, but he's still not interested in making this work. It's just like I can't actually believe he means it. I'm so angry with myself for being such a pathetic mess making myself look like a fool. I think, no actually I know he's depressed, and I feel like all this is because of that and I feel cheated that my lovely relationship has gone up the wall. I don't know what to do!! How the fuck am I going to get through today? Another day of praying things will get better or he'll realise what we have. I can't cope my emotions are shot to shit I could literally just spend the day crying and begging him to stay. Which is so muggy I know, but I can't bear the thought of this really being over.

I’m sorry you’re suffering so much, clearly you’re really hurting right now. Must be difficult to concentrate and think straight, couple that with looking after a child. It must all feel incredibly overwhelming.

It sounds like this hasn’t been a good, loving and respectful relationship for a long time. It also sounds like the myriad of problems your OH has have been very destructive to him and you.

The problem is you can’t function with all these woes and all this uncertainty. It’s clearly destroying you. He’s hurting you, maybe it’s not intentional but he is. It’s got to stop for your sake and especially your child’s. Can I suggest for today you go out. Take the little one with you and do something today. Out the house. Hang with a friend or do something fun. So long as it’s out the house and away from him. I think you need a break.

Then when your ready you need to tell him to leave. Needn’t be forever, but just to give you some headspace and him to think. I appreciate his family are far away but if they care I’m sure they can organise something if he’s got no money or he can stay with a friend.

As for finances. You’ll be entitled to benefits. There are food banks to which are generous. You won’t go hungry. Your partner needs professional help and I don’t mean just his back. Smoking and drinking needs knocking on the head or cutting back. Get a budget in place.

My heart goes out to you but I think you need to think about YOUR health and well being and that of your child. You’ve tried oooking after his and it’s not working. Best of luck.

You need to stop begging. If he wants to leave, sit down and discuss practicalities.

Begging is unattractive and makes you look desperate and needy. Only beg if you've done something wrong (like cheating) and are asking for forgiveness.

I'm going to stay with my mum for a week tomorrow (taking DS with me) I'm devastated that I have to do this, she doesn't have much space and I'm embarrassed. He literally has no where to go and my mum is the only person I can ask (were not even that close but I know she cares), what happens next is terrifying for me to think about. But I have to take it one day at a time I guess. Just hoping that after a week he'll come round and we can start working it out. I'm still beyond devasted and don't know how I'm going to cope, I just keep breaking down and feel so dead inside