In a monogamous relationship but wants to be poly

[WhiteVixen]

This is geuinely a case of asking for a friend. I just don’t know what to say to her.

My friend is engaged, has been with her partner for a couple of years. They got engaged a year ago, wedding is being planned for summer 2020.

My friend, however, is polyamorous. She has tried to have a conversation with her partner on a couple of occasions about her need to (in her words) see other people. He has no desire to be in a polyamorous relationship. When my friend talks to me about it, she cannot understand why he has a problem with it. As far as she is concerned, he is her ‘main’ relationship. She wants to be married to him. I think she finds it quite easy to compartmentalise her relationships. So she gets different things from different people, and finds it easy to keep them separate in her head. She doesn’t get why he can’t understand and accept this. What I have tried to explain to her a couple of times is that her partner has every right to not want to be in such a relationship. Just because she can justify it in her head, and feels that she can have other relationships without it affecting her partner, she can’t seem to understand that he may not want to live in this way.

I don’t really know what to say to her about it any more. I fully support her need to live however she chooses to live, providing everyone is in agreement and no one gets hurt. But if she continues to insist on pushing this on her partner I can’t help but worry it’s going to end in tears.

I don’t really know if I have a question here. I just don’t really have anyone else I can talk to about this and wanted to bounce it off some other people! Anyone have any experience of poly relationships and being able to keep them separate? Can it possibly work if one partner isn’t receptive? If she does have another relationship I can only imagine he would view it as cheating, so I assume my friend would keep it secret if she did meet someone else. Which obviously wouldn’t be a good thing.

She’s being ridiculous. She’s asked and he’s said no. They shouldn’t get married. I can’t see why either of them would think it’s a good idea. She’s made it clear he’s not enough for her and for some reason he’s hanging around.

Yes. I do think she is being ridiculous about the whole thing to be honest. I can’t seem to get her to understand. I don’t see it ending well.

She shouldn't marry him.

I think her DP should just go out, to cinema, or pub alone, do it every night for a week....
Till she gets stroppy and comments on it...
See if she likes it when it is done to her.

Poly relationships can work well when everyone involved in them are happy to be so involved, and consent and understand all that's involved.

Your friend doesn't seem to understand how consent works. This does not bode well.

She shouldn't have started a relationship with a monogamous person if she's poly. It's not fair. It's certainly not something she can expect him to accept now! Being poly must be something that someone wants for themself not for anyone else.

She doesn’t want him to be poly. She accepts that he only wants to be with her. But obviously he doesn’t accept her wanting to be poly.
I think she has suppressed the poly side of herself for many many years. She has been married before, she has children from her previous marriage. Since she split from her ex husband she has had a few serious relationships, has lived with partners etc, but I think she’s done some soul searching and has decided she wants to live a poly lifestyle, and doesn’t want to pretend/ignore her feelings any more.
It is clear, however, that this is not compatible with her current fiancé.

Hopefully I’ll get a chance to meet up with her soon and I can try to get her to understand.

It won't work. If she wants to be poly she needs to find others that want the same. This is a critical incompatibility.

To be honest her partner should be recognising this as a big red flag. I'm surprised he is still around tbh.

They’re just fundamentally incompatible. You can’t have it both ways. She needs to find someone who is happy to be poly.

Why the fuck didn't they have this conversation earlier in the relationship?

Has she actually ever had a poly relationship? Because it sounds a bit theoretical, and something she should have worked out before getting engaged!

She needs to leave her partner.

She wants a poly relationship, he doesn't. She cannot force her view on him and if she sleeps with anyone else it would be cheating as he has not accepted a poly relationship.

You say she doesn't want her boyfriend to be poly.

Does this mean she wants to sleep with other men and women but doesn't want him to? Or doesn't she mind if he sleeps with other men and women as long as she is his 'main' relationship?

2 years in & this has only just gone up....?

Sorry, I meant that she is happy for him to be monogamous. She is not expecting him to want other relationships.

I believe that when she has been in previous relationships (although not, as far as I am aware, while she was with her ex husband) she has had poly relationships as well. I don’t know whether her ‘main’ partners were aware. I don’t think necessarily her ‘poly’ relationships were sexual. They were certainly ‘emotional’ relationships but I’m not 100% sure if sex was involved. Like I said previously, she feels like she gets different things from different people, so it’s not always about sex. Sometimes it’s emotional support that she felt she didn’t get from her main partner.

she has had poly relationships as well. I don’t know whether her ‘main’ partners were aware.

That's not poly that's cheating

This woman doesn't have a clue what poly is about and just wants permission to cheat on her partner

Both her and her partner suffer with their mental health. Depression, anxiety etc. She very much sticks her head in the sand over problems rather than dealing with them head on. Until something happens and it all blows up. She did first try to bring this up with him a year ago I believe. I’m trying to think when she first spoke to me about it. I think she’s just tried to broach the subject again with him now, and again, unsurprisingly it’s not gone down well.

That's not poly that's cheating

Well yes, that’s how I see it too. She wants it to all be out in the open. She’s just not found the right person to be her main relationship, obviously. She’s just convinced if she can only make him understand that it will all be ok.

The only way this would work in a new-ish relationship was if the other half was asexual/gay

She is avoiding something - and a poly relationship offers an escape hatch.

When someone wants this type of relationship, they need to say so from the very beginning.

They need to look for people who also want it...or are okay with it.

If her fiance wanted a poly relationship...as in another person for himself would she be okay with that?

Poly sounds like a euphemism for wanting to have her cake and eat it.

She accepts that he is monogamous, but is basically saying that she will have affairs and cheat. Can she really not grasp why her fiancé cannot accept that?

She is being ridiculous. It is very likely to end in tears.

Jesus, what a toxic relationship for children to be raised in. Your friend is dishonest and selfish, not because she’s Poly but because she can’t see beyond her own wants and is prepared to deceive and bully to get her way. It’s not a case of not understanding her bf’s point of view, it’s she doesn’t care to understand and has selfishly manoeuvred him into a corner.

Surely poly relationships only work if both/all partners are ok with it? Her partner clearly isn't, so she needs to let him go and find someone else who is happy with it. It's not rocket science.