Why do they do this?

[scooby32]

So my partner will do something shitty towards me, and I lose my temper. And then I get called nasty because I lose my temper. He never seems to understand what what he did in the first place was unkind hence why I lost it. It's been the same in every relationship, I'm meant to take every shitty thing they do to me and never react. Because if I do, I'll get called crazy or that I'm over reacting.

What sort of shitty things are we talking?

Losing your temper isn’t okay OP, and I suspect it’s quite bad for your OH to say you’ve been nasty. And if it’s happened in several relationships and you’re the common denominator... while people shouldn’t do shitty things, it doesn’t give you an excuse to fly off the handle. What exactly do you do/act like when you do this?

There are ways of reacting to someone doing something shitty that don’t involve losing control.

You can walk away until you calm down. You can state you won’t accept that behaviour and then hold them to it if it happens again. You can sit down and tell them at a different time why what they’re doing is shit and talk about how things ought to change. You can end the relationship if someone is doing awful things and won’t stop.

Losing your temper and then being called out on it isn’t the same as being expected to tolerate shit and ‘not react’.

You’ll need to provide an example.

How many relationships have you had where you feel this is the dynamic?

Can you clarify what you mean by “silly” and “nasty”?

You'll need to provide an example.

Because you could be choosing men who provoke you on purpose to then berate you about a relatively rational response.

Or you could have an anger issue.

And the two things are really different.

Current partner - I found sexting messages on his phone a while back to multiple women, asking for hookups. I lost it, but he now chooses to focus on the way I lost my temper with him and not what he did.

He also has made a couple of derogatory comments about my body. He has since apologised profusely but at the time I lost it there as well.

He made me sacrifice something recently that I really love. I can't say specifically what it was as it will out me but it hurts and I guess I've been snappy with him because of this.

Previous partner - his best friend sexually assaulted me and he didn't stick up for me. In fact he still continues to be best friends with me. I lost my temper with him over this too and then I was made out to be crazy because I didn't accept that "some people make mistakes".

I could go on and on with examples but I'll leave it there.

Feel weird and broken down.

Ah ok...then yanbu.

You have fallen into a pattern of toxic relationships. Not all men are like that. Why are you still with him?

Why are you still with this person at all given the appalling ways in which he treats you?. What are you getting out of this relationship now that is for you still worth it?. You can do better than this person who you are allowing to drag you down.

Frightened. Nowhere to go. No one to turn to for support.

Women’s aid can and will help you leave your abuser and his abuser friend. There is real life support out there for you, you need to be brave and take that first, often the hardest of steps, out of this toxic rubbish relationship you find yourself in. You can do this.

Enrolling yourself into their freedom programme could also help you no end here.

The one whose friend sexually assaulted me was the ex. He is gone thankfully...

It's just my current partner. Feel like something is wrong with me as I lose my temper a lot lately 😢

My ex did similar things throughout our relationship. He would ignore me for days, say nasty things under his breath as he walked out of a room, wore me down then when I couldn't stand it anymore and snapped he would focus on what I had said/done. Err ...
He's ex now and still at it. I in the other hand have rediscovered myself to be generally calm, pleasant and relaxed while he continues to be vile when I see him. Doesn't wind me up at all now I'm not living with him . You need to get out and have a period of time getting your head straight.

Frightened. Nowhere to go. No one to turn to for support.
Plenty of people are alone and support themselves.
Are you working? What is your home situation? Does he own it, or tenancy in his name.

This is awful, you are not unreasonable in the slightest...

Don't let your own anxiety bully you into accepting this shit show, and thinking that this arsehole is your lot in life!!

I take it you're living in his place....Do you have the financial means to find another place to live?

There's always someone. Do you have a local women's centre?