Not coping with separation

[Jal63]

My husband left last March after being together for 37 years, married for 30 of them. I knew that things hadn’t been ideal for a year but genuinely thought we were together for life. It therefore came as a massive shock when he left. We are going through divorce proceedings which seem to be taking forever. However, that isn’t really the issue, the biggest issue is that I am finding it very hard to move on and accept that this is my life now. I still can’t tell anyone we are divorcing without bursting into tears and I cry at some point during most weeks, at least it isn’t daily anymore! I put on a brave face at work, where most people don’t know about my situation - through my choice. What I want to know is whether this is quite normal and does anyone have any advice? Going to the doctor for antidepressants are not something I will consider. I work full time and was supposed to take early retirement last year, until he left. I now don’t know whether to leave this year as I will need another part time job and I don’t feel confident about that at the age of 55, having never done anything else.

I'm so sorry for you OP, I have recently been through exactly the same thing myself. I am partially disabled too and husband thought he could have a more exciting mid life crisis elsewhere.
It is gutting and turns everything you know upside down on it's head. You question what your relationship was really and keep thinking about the future and how lonely it's going to be. It is horrible.
Two and a half years on and now divorced I realised life is so much easier now without ex, he was a spoilt child and quite honestly my life is much better without him.
You are really strong, have a job - I was going to retire early too and now can't - and you will be ok, the early days are the worst and you need all the support you can get.
It's terrifying at the beginning but you know my social life now is better than it was with him.
I had to find a new job as my old one didn't pay enough and i found a fab knew job, very well paid and you can too.
People love hiring our age group now as we are reliable.
Sod him OP, show him what you are made of - you can do it xxxxxx and hugs

Many thanks for this lovely encouraging message. I will bear what you have said in mind, especially when it comes to looking for another job. Hope I can get an interesting and well-paid job, especially if it’s only 4 days a week!

This sounds hard OP and I feel for you, it's a difficult time but I think your reaction is normal and things will get better in time.

Not the same situation but I ended a long relationship as was not treated well, and I still cry many months later even though I ended it and it was the right thing. I also haven't told a lot of people I know, and a lot of people at my work don't know we have split. Even with closer friends at work and old school friends it took me a long time to tell them. I'm a very private person and sometimes I feel 'colleagues' just want the gossip rather than have genuine concern so I have to remind myself I don't owe anyone an explanation and I don't have to share anything I'm uncomfortable with. I think in time you will feel stronger to share the information but don't feel you have to any time soon, and go at your own pace. (Having said that I do feel slightly stressed when I feel conversations at work veering towards 'relationship' topics and so change the subject, or go to make a cup of tea, as worried someone will ask me a direct question. So that in itself is stressful, maybe getting it out in the open would be easier! it's each to their own, just do what's best for you and what you feel comfortable with)

Do you enjoy your current job? and if so do you have the option to stay on? I think having a routine is good (It would be nice to cut down to 4 days though I agree!)

I've made a concerted effort to spend more time with friends and family (after hiding away for several months as I just felt so sad and unsociable and couldn't face people) so try to plan in regular meetups and doing hobbies. I've become closer to a friend I met through a hobby and we met for a drink the other day for the first time. Only a small thing for less than 2hrs but I felt good that I was out and making a new friendship connection and it did lift my spirits. My old friends are great too and have been soo supportive, but they aren't always available and there is something about a 'new' friend as it's not connected to the past, so part of my 'new' life.

I am surrounding myself with friends/family/doing hobbies and gradually gaining strength, and I'm sure you will too in time. Be kind to yourself, you'll have good days and bad but you will be ok.

Thanks for this support, you advice about finding a new hobby is good and is something I keep thinking about. My current job does create lots of work at home in the evenings and weekends and this is one reason I have not really done much about meeting new people.
I can stay in my present job for as long as I want to but feel that it might be necessary for me to make a move if I am to start afresh and also have time to meet new people and do things other than work.
I am planning on moving house this year and a work colleague did suggest that a new job and a new home might be too much in one go, what do you think?
I almost feel like I deserve a bit of a gap year and some time for me, I’ve never done anything like this but it both terrifies and excites me in equal measure!
Thanks again for the support.

I have been in your situation, I would suggest you move house first then find a new job - I found a new job approx a year after moving to a new area. Best thing I could have done

There's no harm in keeping an eye out for a home and a job at the same time as you never know you could see/hear of something that interests you tomorrow.

If you are staying in the same area I would personally do one thing at a time as your colleagues and letsdolunch suggest, but if moving further afield I suppose it depends if they go hand in hand (moving to a new area because there is a job you want there - so influenced by the job. Or finding a job in the area you want to live in - so influenced by the home)

I think if you are able to take a gap year (or even a gap few months) before doing either then that would be a brilliant thing to do! A complete change of scenery to travel to somewhere you've always wanted to go and meet new people, relax and soak up the atmosphere could be just the thing to 'reset' your mind. I feel excited for you thinking about it! (And yes I get the 'slightly terrified' as well as excited but it will give you such confidence when you do it) Definitely book a holiday at the very least, I don't know why I didn't think to suggest that. Even a spa break if you like that sort of thing, and a bit of pampering would be nice as it sounds as if you work hard and you do deserve to treat yourself.

You could ask your current work for a sabbatical/ unpaid leave if you can afford it. Although I agree at some point you will be best to find another job which allows you more free time.

It's so nice to hear you have positive plans for the future, I'm really pleased for you, and I know that's not to say you don't have sadness around your situation, but you are doing really great. Just keep making those plans and pushing forwards, you have totally got this!