Emotional dumpster

[Swimminguphill]

Hi I am struggling today. I called my mum yesterday about something trivial and she offloaded an issue to do with her siblings on me like a huge emotional vomit. I ended up getting really cross about the situation on her behalf. She listened to me for a bit then we rang off - she was very non committal about the advice I gave her and I don’t think she will follow it, which is fine except that issues with these very siblings last year ended up with her going into hospital for 2 weeks being prepped for an operation she didn’t need as it was all psychosomatic. She does this to me all the time and I had gone low ish contact because of it but as I have 3 siblings I decided to let them know about this particular issue. Two didn’t reply to my email yet, the other replied saying I was basically getting my knickers in a twist - which I know I am - but my question is: I know I can’t change my mum but how can I stop my response? Why do I get so upset on her behalf? If anyone has developed any strategies apart from never calling them I would be really grateful to hear them.

It pisses me off when people confide in me, I give them advice and they just blow it off completely, like they never wanted help, they just wanted to offload their crap. My mum used to do this all thr time when I was a kid, I look back now like WTF? At the end of the day, you can't control what other people do or say. In your position, I would say "well, last time we spoke I advised you to do this, how is that working for you?" When I struggle to stop feeling emotional for other people I just try to distract myself, watch a good movie, focus on my goals or go for a run with some music on. When you aren't happy with how a conversation is going, switch subjects asap and keep your replies short and sweet, so there is nothing to elaborate on. You got this :) low contact is best, if you can. You don't need emotional drains in your life.

Look up "circular conversations"...

Drama triangle look that up.

But well done you to realise this is exactly what she is doing and it is only YOU who can manage the dynamic.

Low contact as well can lead to no contact ultimately. What good does she bring into your life anyway?.

She has your siblings sadly on her side, they do not want to know and or otherwise rock the boat because they are more favoured and are her "golden children". Being the golden children is also a role not without price but they are unaware of this.

You stop the response to your mother by no longer engaging with her and refusing to be a part of her game. Drop the rope she keeps on holding out to you for you to pick up. Do read up on drama triangles and narcissistic personality disorder as well.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I will google those things. Ragaroo I did go for a run and it really helped. I passed a really cheery looking lady on a bike a similar age to my mum and thought to myself that you have to make a decision to be happy. If I carry on letting myself get sucked in I’ll be a bitter sad old lady and I don’t want that. I choose life!

They might not even be golden children, they could just be so fed up of her that they stopped getting involved.

You do have a choice!

It’s weird. She is still parenting them in a way but she sees me as ‘sorted’ which means I hear EVERYTHING she is worried about re. Them, her life everyone else etc. I was really surprised a few weeks back when she brought something up about one of my siblings and I was like ‘just tell them, you’ve been talking about this issue for years’ and she said ‘no I have never told them about this because of xyz’ well I have heard about it till I’m fed up to my back teeth! It’s nothing to do with me.

I do shut conversations down - anything racist, misogynist, snobby I just shut down. I do feel if I shut this down as well there will be nothing she can talk to me about.

Re going NC I just really can’t. My dad died when I was young and I just can’t do it to her. She has had a really tough life and I respect her in many ways - from a distance. Also she is super old now. My DH says I should act as i would if she had dementia... i.e. with compassion and not judging her by the same standards as others. That kind of helps but I don’t want to infantilise her either. I guess it’s a bit like living with a lion, they are amazing creatures you just need to make sure they don’t eat you or take a leg off...

She was a young abusive person once and now she is an old abusive person. She has not fundamentally changed since your childhood.
I am so sorry to read that your dad died when you were young but his death is really no reason to keep in touch with her now. Your mother does not make you happy and remains critical and unsupportive. You already have two qualities your mother lacks and these are empathy and insight.

Your husbands approach here is flawed. She does not have dementia. He likely comes from an emotionally healthy family but the rule book really does go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families. What he is suggesting here will not work out.

The lion analogy you use is interesting. Basically she is saying to you come closer so I can hurt you again. You will get hurt every time you at all engage with your mother. It is not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way.

Many people too have tough lives and they as parents do not treat their now adult children in the ways you are being treated by your mother.
What you describe is very typical of how toxic parents behave towards their now adult offspring. The stately homes thread on these relationships pages could be worth reading for you.

I think you have my mother!

Use the word "why" a lot. It gives them pause for thought.

Well, maybe, sometimes...

Good advice re. ‘Why?’ I like that!

Just need to learn not to say it in a ‘dear god why?!?!’ Voice, more an analyst...

My siblings are clueless about the amount of "stuff" mum says to me, mainly about them.

Yeah, sadly, it has to be an enquiring" why? "