I can’t go low/no contact now can I?

[Sausi]

Long history of issues with my mum who I believe is narcissistic and controlling and manipulative. She creates drama and drags me into situations I have said I don’t want to discuss with her because I don’t want to take sides in her divorce. I decided this week enough was enough and I’ve cut down contact, and told her not to visit this weekend (she only wants to visit me when there’s a drama going on, and she wants to get some control back over me). My plan was to back away slowly and see very little of her for now. I feel this is entirely justified given her behaviour, and I was happy with my decision.

But....

Some terrible news in the family. My brother’s baby has been stillborn. I have a precarious relationship with him (he’s the golden child), but obviously I’m devastated for him. I’ve obviously spoken to him, but I haven’t contacted my mum at all. My mum had been trying to call me the day before I found out but I didn’t answer because I thought it was the backlash from telling her not to visit this weekend. So my sister text me to tell me. My mum could have text me to tell me if I was going to find out via text, but this way is more dramatic because she can tell people how I’m not speaking to her I imagine.

But am I now a terrible person to continue with my plan to not contact her? This is a horrific thing to happen to any family, and she will be genuinely upset (she is known to make any situation all about her to gain sympathy) But this is genuinely terrible and I’m not sure now I should continue to back away from her without giving her another chance. I know she won’t change, and I really don’t have the emotional strength right now to deal with her saying how terrible this is for HER which I am pretty certain is how the conversation will go. But if I back away now I’ll always be the heartless selfish daughter who abandoned her family at the worst time ever. Nobody else in the family sees her for what she is, so they won’t understand anyway even in “normal times”

I should contact her shouldn’t I? And do the whole limiting contact thing in the future. It’s taken a long time (and a lot of hurt) for me to get to the point of feeling I can make this decision. But I could contact her and just bite my tongue when she doesn’t even mention my brother and just talks about herself and how terrible her week has been.

I would not contact your mother as she will continue to make her son’s and his wife’s recent and tragic events all about her. Your sister here was used by her too as her flying monkey. Narcissistic people are inclined to use such people, usually other relatives or so called friends, that can be manipulated to do their dirty work for them.

I would continue to make contact with your brother and his wife here as and when needed.

Thank you Atilla
It’s nice to ask people who understand a bit more. I spoke to my friend about it, but she has a non-toxic mum and I don’t think she fully understands the nasty tactics my mum uses.

I think I just wanted permission that it’s ok not to contact her. I’ve read a lot about FOG and I recognise I’m stuck in this cycle. It’s taken me many months to finally make the decision and she’s treated me appallingly in that time. The thing is when I back away from her I know I’m basically losing the rest of my family too, because she is very much the ringleader and they all follow. I only really see them (siblings included) through her. It’s been a hard decision to make.

Do not contact her. You can be upset for your brother and SIL and support them. How you do that has nothing to do with your mum

This is not about your Mother, you can still support your brother & sil with their sad news,
This is all about you feeling guilty about not answering the phone, I often don't answer my phone, (busy, don't hear it, in another room, driving, ) as I actually have a life & put it down, it is not super glued to my hand.
Just continue as before... whatever happens she is going to make it about her... ignore.

whisky thank you. That’s very true and it’s nothing to do with her, although she will expect me to support her. I know when my sister got divorced last year my mum was telling the family how terrible I was because I didn’t contact her (my mum) to see how she was and offer HER support.

I just wish my extended family could see her for what she is, I’m so baffled that they can’t see it. I don’t really want to lose them all, especially my aunties, but I know my mum will get them on side and tell them god knows what about me. But if that’s the price to pay for peace and a non toxic life for my DC then it’s a cost worth paying.

Well, there's FOG and there's genuine compassion.

Whether or not she makes this about her it's still a dreadful thing to bear for a grandparent.

You can show compassion without getting sucked in. It's not all or nothing, it doesn't mean you'll be forced to maintain a full on relationship with her going forward - that's a dramatic way to view things!

You can be mature and compassionate without being kneejerk. Yy I know it's hard but you can do it.

I'm so sorry for your awful news

springy yes you are right and this is what I was worried about. I don’t want to be uncompassionate because it’s a terrible thing and I’m sure she is hurting.

I think I am being influenced by how little she appears to care for her other grandchildren. She uses the older ones as weapons against her DIL and she has only been to visit my baby once in three months (and sulked for the entire visit). She never asks about my baby or shows any interest when I do talk about them. I guess I forget that she must surely care underneath all that. They are her grandchildren at the end of the day.

I think I’m just hurt by her behaviour and how little she’s been there for me when I really needed her last year. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be there for her. That’s a terrible reason to not be there for her.

I am so conflicted. I’m not a horrible person really. But if I don’t contact her at this awful time then I am a horrible person.

It is really ok not to contact your mother now.
She really could not care less about you so stop trying with her. Your mother expects you to serve her and meet her bottomless pit of emotional needs but she has never given you any real consideration whatsoever in your entire life. You probably remind her of your dad, a man who she likely herself detested.

She is not and never will be the nice kind person you on some level perhaps still want her to be. Would you have tolerated this behaviour from a friend, I would hope not.

You have two qualities your mother lacks; empathy and insight and this is why you want to be kind, even to someone like your mother. However, your mother sees kindness as weakness to be exploited and further abused. Your mother has NO empathy whatsoever and makes everything all about her. She will chew you up and spit you out again.

If you are her scapegoat it often follows that the scapegoat's own children are also scapegoated. You are seeing already how little she appears to care for her other grandchildren here.

Why would you class yourself as a horrible person if you did not contact your mother?. Deal with your own FOG here through therapy and find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together. She will simply make your brother's and his wife's tragic recent event all about her and you will end up giving her narcissistic supply again.

You have been well trained by her to serve her at your overall expense. It really is not possible to have a relationship with someone like your mother. Do read the website entitled daughters of narcissistic mothers too.

No, you don't have to be there for her!

It's not all or nothing : you can express your sorrow without getting sucked in.

Box clever - make it look like you're ticking the boxes but you're not quite in reality iyswim? Ie nod and smile..

It sounds like you're still hoping for her to turn a corner and be a good mum?

springy I think I will always hope for that, but I know it’s never going to happen.

I did reflect after my last post, and I dont entirely agree with what I said actually. I am not a bad person to say you can’t treat me like that. I have been so hurt by her actions. She behaved atrociously to me when I was poorly in hospital after having my baby and the baby was also ill in special care. She proved to me then what she really is and if I’d not been so ill then I’d have cut her off then. Me and baby are both well now and I finally have the strength to cut her off. I do believe that’s the right decision, and I plan to start by slowly reducing contact. I’ve given her narcissistic supply for long enough.

I think this situation (although I completely understand it’s a million times worse than mine) has brought back up all the emotions I felt vulnerable in hospital with a poorly newborn and my mum treating me the way she did. And now she will be playing the doting mother to my brother and supporting him.

I hope this doesn’t make me sound like I don’t care for his loss because I absolutely do, I’m devastated for him. And I don’t begrudge him all the support he needs. I just wish I’d had some support too I guess..

I think that at this particular time of heightened extreme emotions it is especially important that you keep your distance as she will be especially volatile. She doesn’t need your compassion and support specifically as she has all her siblings and her children at her beck and call.

Look after yourself and your baby. Do what you need to for your DB and SIL. Keep a low profile. Maybe she will immerse herself in this so deeply she might not notice you for a bit.

And yes everyone else knows what she is like but are just silenced by her predicable volatility for an easy life. You don’t need their validation.

I completely agree you don't need to contact her. Your brother and partner will be drowning in grief, send them cards/ texts telling them you are thinking of them.

sausi I’m new here and I’m going through a similar thing. What’s helping me just now is reminding myself that it is not me who is choosing to do this, to “break up the family”. SHE has chosen to behave the way she does. You can support your brother and his family on your terms, not hers.