Over the last six months my friend has discovered that three.. THREE of the men she’s been dating are married

[Bittercynic]

I met my friend for a catch up the other day. She’s 32, single, successful in career, meets a lot of people through work.

In the past 6 months she’s been in the first stages of “going out” with three men (one after the other) and all of them over the course of the first few weeks have confessed to being married but excused their duplicitous behaviour for exactly the same following reasons:

Their wife has not had sex with them since the birth of the last child

One of the children has a problem / either SEN or autism or a physical disability, so they can’t get a divorce. Or that as a result of that problem their wife is anxious about it and pays no attention to them.

That their kids love them but their wife is unaffectionate.

That they sleep in a separate bed to their wives

That their wife will take all their money if they leave so they have to stay

She showed me the social media account of one of them which she found after the confession. All family pictures, kids, couple’s pictures, “my family is everything” memes, just like my DH’s social media.

My friend said these men didn’t blink in the process of being physically or emotionally unfaithful. There was not even a hesitation in holding hands on the street, kissing publicly, going out for dinner.

It just makes me feel like it could be anyone.

@Tony2

I know an OW who was having an affair. He got married during their affair. He claimed to love his wife...but continued to cheat.

The OW ended the affair eventually and his wife is born the wiser.

I'll add that the OW was married when the affair began. She got divorced during the affair.
He was single...met his wife while the affair was going on...then married her.

It's not a gender issue. It appears so because men do the chasing.

It's because there's no real consequences & no stigma if they're caught.

Either wife forgives & they carry on as before or they leave the family, don't pay maintenance (because let's be honest they're not vigorously pursued as they should be), often don't even bother seeing THEIR kids again and just move onto another relationship while living in a "bachelor pad" able to earn well as they've no responsibilities!

The whole narrative and attitude towards mens responsibilities needs to change.

"I don't disbelieve them about no sex" why not? My ex spouted this bullshit to his OW (now he says it about her and is still cheating)

I know and accept women cheat too but I don't believe it's on the same level as they've more to lose. Bit because they're any better morally.

Not because they're any better morally

This has been going on for ever its just people do not hide it like they did years ago.
In the 70's I worked for a large company, where many of the women there (when you got to know them) admitted to being an OW. One in particular had two children with a guy (travelling sales rep) who had a wife and family up in the North, he would split his time between the two families.
I worked in the early 80's in an office in Central London I think I was one of the few there who was not having a liason/affair with a workmate. It didn't seem to matter whether you were single or not!
As I said I don't think its any better or worse than it has been in the past, its just not such a huge secret anymore.

My sisters colleague put on her OLD profile "If you are married/in a relationship, dont bother contacted me. When I find out I WILL tell your wife!" She got several messages calling her a bitch and telling her she was spoiling it for everyone

One of many reasons I wont bother with OLD when I am ready to dip my toe.

My friend is single and OLD and yes, many of the guys she talks to end up being married. She slept with a guy a few times before she found out he was married with two tiny children. His FB is all /my kids are my world' as PP said. Many married men at her place of work have thrown themselves at her since she split up with her husband, too.

Morals have gone out of fashion and there is very little stigma for cheaters now. Also, peoples expectations from relationships are so high, that when they are married it will be amazing, great sex all the time, partner meets their every need etc and if not they're entitled to look elsewhere they think.
I think it's not to do with gender. I've known as many women cheat as men. It's to do with selfishness and vanity imo. Those are the traits I've noticed cheaters have in common.

I partly blame all this talking about ‘the one’ I think times have changed and once people realise ‘the one’ cannot often be all things without it getting a bit suffocating, they often feel the need for that newness ‘buzz’ . Sadly that’s when morals seem to get lost

One of my male colleagues got married a year ago to a stunning woman. Not only is she attractive, she is very fit, creative, positive, lovely. He is completely punching above his weight. And yet he has hit on me, subtly, but it is quite persistent. I am about 10 years older than him, no where near as attractive as his wife, never flirt, never show any interest in him. I find men quite odd. It's like they can't help themselves.

I am married. I have no doubt that my husband would cheat if he could. Women do cheat, but not to the same extent. If I wasn't married anymore I would not bother with relationships. You have to be so resilient to do OLD. I take my hat off to all that do it.

It's been going on forever. I was last single pre internet and the number of married men who tried it on was staggering. And no, I'm not stunningly beautiful, just average. It was sickening.

An ex friend who is a lawyer seemed to think he was morally superior because he didn't use prostitutes like a lot of colleagues did on their works jollies to Prague/Paris/New York, but just had the odd discreet affair. I cut contact with him because of his hypocrisy. He's still married as far as I know.