Keep trying or divorce? HELP!!!!

[MandB23]

This is a long story. But basically I feel as though I know I need to leave my OH but I'm so scared; for myself because he is all I've known and for what that means for my daughter.

I don't even know where to begin. As far as I know he has never been unfaithful and to anybody outside of our relationship, he appears to be perfect. He would do pretty much anything for me. He does his fair share around the house (almost). All my friends think he's great. It makes it so hard to talk about. And also makes me question my own doubts.

We've had a pretty rough year, we lost a baby at 23 weeks gestation in July and I'm not sure I'll ever be 'over' it. This is another reason why I feel like I need to allow more time before making a decision.

But, I'm miserable. There is no trust, communication or respect. At all. For me, that's the basis of a relationship. The big things that I'm struggling to work through are constant lies, his anger which comes out with name calling and aggression. He has never hit me, but he has thrown things, punched walls and he sometimes rams his head against my body when I'm lay in bed. Usually against my head. When he isn't getting a reaction from me. He will behave like this in front of our daughter.

Another big thing is that over about 2 years he would start to have sex with me whilst I was still asleep. This was at a time when we were not having sex and not in a good place. I spoke to him a few times about it and it just didnt stop. I was always clear about how this made me feel and that I didn't want him to do it, when I did speak to him. During, I would just lie there frozen until he stopped. I can't explain why I did that. When I did bring it up, it would end up in another anger fuelled argument where he would lose it.

This has stopped now. And i think only because he did it when I had given birth 3 weeks previously and was still quite sore. Given birth to our baby who had died. This was the only time that I had the courage to stop him. I brought it up the following day whilst we were driving and he became so angry, threatening to drive off a cliff, driving erratically and stopping the car in the middle of the road and saying he was going to kill himself.

The night time wake up's have never happened since. But the feeling of distrust and lack of respect is still there.

There is so much, but that is the behaviour that I'm struggling to get past. I want to make it work, because I excuse his behaviour. But, it is only the anger that's started since we lost our baby. The lies and the lack of respect has always been there. I think I have just been blind to it, until now.

I suppose I want to know if i should just stop trying now. Or if these issues aren't actually as big as I see tAhem and I should give it more time, considering that we are both in a bad place.

ANY replies are completely appreciated. I can imagine this is going to be the biggest decision of my life and I don't have the confidence or support around me at the minute to be making it.

I'm so sorry, forget what others think, he is an abusive ahole.

If you are afraid to leave for you, leave for your daughter.

Can you get some counselling? Is that a possibility?

This is abuse, and you need to leave him. You can’t have your daughter growing up thinking this is what women have to put up with. Do you have family or friends who can help,you through this?

I for one, can completely understand why you are contemplating leaving him.
I’ll be honest, I think your dh is a danger to you.
Many narsassistic men appear ‘perfect’ on the surface, but it’s the deeper stuff which is broken inside them. They feel entitled. You cannot shame them by discussing anything they’ve done. They simply can’t hsndle it.
Providing you go along with everything they want and they feel important, life can be tickety boo.

The fact that he’s been having sex with you whikst you’re asleep is incredibly disturbing, not to mention this happening whikst you were 3 weeks post delivery. I don’t know if this is classed as rape but it must be assault.
Ramming his head into you, threatening to drive you all off a cliff.

You need support through this. Please don’t let him know your intentions. Get your ducks in a row first and get out of there fast. Do you have anyone you can trust 100%.
I personally would call Woman’s Aid first thing Monday.
Try and keep a diary of everything but for goodness sake DO NOT let it be found.

I know that he is seriously entitled. And I tell him. This is where it’s hard. I’m very outspoken and I am keen on communicating any issues. It’s that I don’t feel like I’m allowed when he doesn’t like what I’m saying.
I feel as though you’ve described him perfectly and it’s scary.
He can be so lovely. But it’s almost like I’ve been conditioned to be a certain way or that lovely person is taken away.
I want to fix it. That’s the wrong thing I know. I don’t want my daughter having 2 homes or having to share her at Christmas.
And I still love him.
I want him but the nice him without all of this other stuff. And I’ve tried to help him understand where his anger is coming from and look at ways to stop it from blowing up. I don’t think I can do anything. He’s tried counselling and given it up.
I’ve known for a while that I need to leave.
I just don’t feel strong enough. I know his family will turn on me. And I feel like he might.
I do have some very supportive friends. But I don’t have anybody that could help me financially. His family have a lot of money and he works for them and can pretty much do as he pleases. With my working hours I’m really worried that they will want custody and fight me for it.
Maybe I’m over thinking it.
Thank you for your replies everyone!!!

Just know that you have a choice. There are options out there.
A broken home is a house where the adults are not providing a safe, loving respectful, stable environment for the child or each other.

I raised my 3 independently to get away from a man very like your dh. My kids have thrived.
Your dd won’t be very young for Ling and will very quickly be influenced by dh in a non healthy way possibly. She’ll watch you loose yourself as the months and years go by.
Your dd will become a tool, used against you.
Your dh is not a safe healthy role model for your dd.
He is weak. Can’t complete counselling. Can’t control his temper. Can’t respect you.
Abusive men start somewhere, a push, a shove, a fist. It will escalate.
Do you want to show your daughter that this behaviour exists? Or is acceptable?

If she grows up with it, the chances are, she may become subject to it when she begins her adult life.
Stand up for her. I know it’s scary but leaving him is far better for yourself and your daughter than the inevitable life you have staring you in the face.