Has anyone ever gone through a "hermit" phase in their life

[SelfConscious]

Been wanting to post about this for ages. Have name changed.

I think I'm just going through a socially "lean" time and generally feel comfortable and at home with it, but unfortunately its other people's point of view that gets me down.

A few years ago I ended my 7 year relationship with my daughters father - I'd always felt insecure and unhappy with him but accepted that standard of relationship and most friendships I had over those years I let drift away due to decreasing self worth (looking back, they were acquaintances at best, friendships forged by nights out). We had a child together and being a sahm put paid to any burgeoning work friendships. Splitting up was horrendous as I eventually discovered he had cheated and he turned very nasty. Basically the few years Ive been single have been spent building up self esteem again and getting to know who I am now, in my late thirties. After a decade of self esteem slowly crumbling away I find that I "carry no passengers" when it comes to potential friendships, and am completely closed off in terms of potential partners. After having poor boundaries throughout my twenties this feels justified, but I do worry for the future.
I have a part time job that is okay but my colleagues have an abrasive sense of humour and have joked about how I do nothing at the weekends. Ive never really gelled with them in the year or so that I've worked there as they are quite immature, but I joke along and insist that I am happier alone with my dd than the years previous. Truth is it really hurts and I feel embarrassed and weird when my life is talked about this way.

Im constantly thinking of interests/hobbies I could pursue to meet people who are on my level but end up at a loss. Pottering about at home is just really all I enjoy now. I wish my work colleagues could just accept that!

Has anyone else been through this sort of thing? I do actually visualise my future as having a loving partner, couple of good friends and maybe even another child, but just cant see how I get there from this strange wilderness

my colleagues have an abrasive sense of humour and have joked about how I do nothing at the weekends

How fucking rude!!! There is nothing funny about them looking down on your lifestyle - a lifestyle you have chosen - because it looks different to theirs.

Yes, I've gone through hermit periods. I still do now. It's how I recharge my energy. I've also recently started a new relationship after years of being happily single. He is aware that I need a lot of space. Sometimes I LOVE just pottering around at home. Luckily, he does too. (I didn't seek him out either, just one of those lightbulb moments I really wasn't expecting.)

Don't stress. If you're happy, and your DD is happy, just keep doing what you're doing. Life unfolds in ways you can never expect. You don't need to force yourself to take up a hobby just because your horrible colleagues can't enjoy time on their own. Stay strong, fellow hermit!

My marriage ended last year, and ive learned a lot by being on my own. I love it too, something I never thought I would feel when he left me. Now I would rather be with my children, in the house, I'm so comfortable with my life. I hate I have people always asking if ive found anyone, and the look of pity that I haven't....mostly from my STBXH, but I don't want anyone, I'm happy in my own wee bubble. Just be yourself, to hell with what others think, they didn't live your past life, and they don't live your present one.....do what makes you happy :)

Yes, I agree with GreenFingers that it's a way of recharging your batteries and regrouping after a difficult time. And it's good too because it shows that you are comfortable with your own company. Not many people are and immediately have to seek out friends or a new partner but you are strong enough to be happy on your own at the moment.

Life changes all the time and I periodically go through phases like this too. It might be to do with winter and our natural inclination to want to stay in and be warm and almost hibernate. You might feel differently in a few months' time.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all and, if anything, you are to be admired for recognising and losing unhealthy relationships in your life and for being happy with your own company.

Isn't it wonderful how all of these other people have their own lives so perfectly sorted.

I agree 100% with Greenfingers. Carry on doing what you are doing if it makes you happy. Your colleagues are indeed very immature, very unkind and very rude. They are also extremely ignorant thick in thinking all humans are identical and not individuals with different needs, histories and lives. You however sound well balanced and more mature, enjoying your home and your daughter and some peace. If you wish to socialise at any point then that's fine, life will flow...and what you choose to do is no one else's business!

I also am hermit like, I have my reasons, happy to live alone and be single for the rest of my life [I'm older], like my own company. am motivated to fill my time and have lots of interests. I am an introvert, also trying to heal from many blows and losses. I cannot replace what I've lost. People don't get me either but I cannot understand their stress filled lives either...so it's quits.

Wow, what rude colleagues! To be honest I’d start to defend that if I were you-a smiley, well toned ‘I love my life, thanks for being so interested in it too’ and a big smile then walk off. Fuck them!

I’m a self confessed introverted hermit and I love it! Married, husband totally gets ‘me’ and how I need to recharge mentally due to a very busy work and home life. I’m an outgoing introvert, can do very well on a night out (if I have to 😉) and I love being one on one with people but a few hours and I’m done-I need home time!

Enjoy your personality just as you are and listen to it intently-recharge your batteries just how you like 😊

After 3 years of lots and lots of stress from life I’ve come to realise that this year and going forward I need to nourish my mind and soul unapologetically. I will potter, read, study, garden and more to my hearts content and take more time off rather than dedicate it to work, it feels really good to give myself that.

Focus on you and what feels good and ignore other people, their opinions are their own and nothing to do with you ☺️

You sound really nice and I think it's good you've taken time to build yourself up after that break up, I've just been through one that was a result of ex cheating and it really takes a while to build yourself back up.

As long as you're happy don't worry, if you start to feel isolated try joining one of those groups and see how it goes. Don't worry about your co-workers they sound really immature. They're probably not happy with themselves if they don't understand how someone can be happy alone or just pottering at home. I think it's great you're comfortable with yourself like another poster said.

You should do what you enjoy and what makes you feel good- ignore those comments!

Thanks so much for your lovely replies everyone, I had been meaning to respond yesterday but became absorbed in other stuff, as is typical!
I feel so much better now. I suppose it really is just bad luck that the main set of people I spend time with regularly are a bit daft and insensitive. The only way out of that is a new job, which Im looking into tbh. Maybe that will open up surprising new doors aswell, who knows.
GreenFingers how did you meet your new partner, if you dont mind me asking..?
Oilyoily im actually going to say that the next time the subject arises!

@SelfConscious, he actually an old friend from years and years ago I reconnected with (hadn't seen him for 20 years) and something went 'ping!' which was really confusing at first, as I hadn't seen him that way before at all. But all's good.

Good luck with the job hunting!

oh OP, totally!

I used to be very sociable but from about 18 months ago, can't really be arsed. It was a problem in the beginning but now not so much.

the opinions of others can be a pain but for me, I'm single, so the main thing is the friends who will really be there for me.

I don't really enjoy being out and I love pottering at home. One thing I love about social media is having funny chat without having to sit in a pub or whatever.

I have only two social engagements for the rest of the month and already considering pulling out of one of them (it's a networking/social thing so no one let down if I don't go).

also, after taking voluntary redundancy and having time in the day, I don't like going out in the evening.

the chance to actually appreciate a morning rather than commute has something to do with that, I guess.