Desperate to move forward but affraid.

[missmartha]

My son is in his 40s and has 2 children by his present partner.
They are 1 and 3 years and we , my DH and I, adore them.
Our relationship with our son and my relationship in particular has been a stormy one. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me, shouting and screaming at me , calling me a fucking cow and a fucking bitch, flicking me in the face and telling lies about me.

However, to the world things are different, he is Mr. Charming , is well educated and has a good job. His partner knows about his behaviour and he has in the past called her HV and reported that her MH problems are back. This is an example of course there are more.
She does not have MH problems btw.
Despite running our own business DH and I have looked after out DGS , the 3 year old , once a week and have looked forward to doing the same with our DGD. It has been a great honou and joy to do this and we have workied within the boundaries given to us by his parents.

In October my son rang me, and from nowhere at all started verbally abusing me. I collapsed to the floor , and my DH cut the call. I cannot stress too much how vile the abuse is. I have blocked him on my phone as advised by WA.
He rang DH and said that a 'period of seperation was required' we do not know why.
We heard nothing at all from them though my son rang DH late on Christmas Eve inviting us to visit for 2 hours on Christmas Day afternoon.
DH explained that we had made plans but we could visit Christmas morning, Boxing Day or any other time but no. He called us inflexable though we had invited friends to our house for Christmas Day.

Since then we have heard nothing until this week when my DIl (his partner) started texting and saying that since we have made no attempt to contact them over the last few months she assumes we want to cut contact. I explained without finger pointing because I want to put the past behind us and there have been 2 or 3 texts since.
She only ever texts and only texts at night.
I write this because despite explaining that we very much want contact and asking her how we can go about it, I awoke to a text this morning saying she could no long help us.
"I'm sorry, I don't know how to help you".

Are we doing something wrong? What can we do, we feel as if we are loosing our grand children and that there may be other problems.

Your son has lied to her and said you don't want to bother with the GC.

Can you phone and tell her what happened? Dont text.

Don't allow yourself to be abused so you can see your GC..that's emotional blackmail.

Also tell your DIL about Women's Aid if she ever needs it.

I would love to talk to her and actually when she was talking a lot of emotional flak from him last year she did phone me a few times to ask what I do to survive the abuse. Sadly she is refusing to talk now.
Unlike her I am stuck in this relationship though we can and have distanced ourselves but the thought of loosing contact with the children is depressing both of us.
She is threatening to return the Christmas presents, unopened, that we sent the children on the grounds that we seem to not care and are being cruel.

That would be taking not talking.

She’s really drunk the Kool Aid if she still “believes” that you’re wanting to cut contact when you’ve told her that’s not the case.

He sounds very controlling though, and perhaps he’s checking her phone now so she’s having to make out that she’s on-message. Would there be any opportunity to meet her without him around? At her work, perhaps, or when he’s at work?

If he is that abusive to you and your DH I imagine he is doing the same to her and is probably telling her what to say to you. I would maybe try to reach out and help her get away from your son .

Is she a SAHM Or works part time? He may be making out that you won't take the children anymore so that she has to stay in the home.
I would be more forceful in asking for contact.

Can you pop a note through the door when you know ds isn't home? Sounds like she has got a load of rubbish fed to her.

She's a SAHM and I hadn't really thought about him feeding her a line about us taking the kids so that she'd stay home.
He doesn't like the fact that she earns more than him , I do know that and he frequently pleads poverty and claims that she steals from him (I don't believe that btw), but still that could be a big part of it.

As for putting a note through the door, no that wouldn't work.
They live about 20 mins away by car but in a small village and it would be so obvious.
She grew up there and has family there but they think he's the bees knees.
She could also be aware that he's checking her texts. I warned her last year that he has it in him to do that. She was shocked but she did believe me I think.
She only texts at night and I don't get that bit. He's at work during the day and it would make more sense to text then.

Thanks for your responses. It's like a flipping nightmare, you couldn't make it up.

Op your DIL needs help big time...please don't believe anything, he may well be controlling her, sending texts supposedly from her etc.

If l were you l would go and see her, when you know he is at work, with a Pay as you go phone, and a gentle explanantion.
Tell her you miss her and the GCs,
tell her you are distraught at the way he is to you and to her,
tell her you will do anything to be there for her and gcs.

Leave her the phone, tell her to keep it well hidden and keep in contact with you that way,
as another poster said tell her to call Womans Aid for help.

I am seriously unhappy. I've spent another sleepless night following a text message apparently from my DiL at just gone 1.30 am outlining how we are bad grandparents for refusing to visit on Christmas Day because we claimed to be too busy.
We had friends around, had we been asked in time we could have arranged something. Late Christmas Eve was too late. Prior to that wethey had refused to speak to us.

She also says we should show empathy to our son.

How, in what way is he suffering? We have asked and there has been no clear answer. In fact no answer at all really.
I can't think straight. I am trying to but can't. I feel as if I'm going mad.

Is it normal to only text someone in the night and then refuse to answer them?

Could it be that your son is actually texting you using the wifes phone? He aounds like a person who would do that. Sorry OP for what you are going through.. 😂

I think your son is using her phone to send these texts too.

I have to face the fact that he is using her phone. I'm still not convinced though, she will do things to please him when she is in his good books.

My DH is desperate to get things sorted and his BP is now very high, he's got a doctors appointment tomorrow but I am worried about his heath , he is fretting so much. Seriously I think if we go forward without getting to the root of the problem this will happen time and time again to the detrement of the children. He will allow us access and to get close then withdraw them, this is not the first time he's done it.
We adults can slug it out so to speak, they can't.

Op l to think it is very likely he is using her phone, it is a horrible situation for you and l feel sorry for your GCs and DIL too.
Can you not try and see her unannouced when your son is at work to try and resolve things?

God it sounds awful. If she is a SAHM. Can you go over there in the day when he’s at work?
Do you know her parents? Could you talk to them, I wonder if they’re having the same problems.

The one thing abusers thrive on is secrecy, no one wants to admit that they are themselves being abused and everyone keeps it a secret due to shame mainly, and then the abuser can continue to divide and conquer.

Oh goodness I did not mean to put that emoji (😂) thingy I meant to put a 🌷so sorry OP I just texted and went to sort my kids 🙈

She has a mother, her father is not around and no, her mother is not approachable. She works and is very well off and I hate myself for saying this but it's the truth as I see it, his partner's mother's wealth is the main reason he is in the relationship.
On the otherhand he flirts, yes he flirts with her and she simpers back.
Do I stand a chance of getting through to her? No.

Also, and I've seen this, when his partner is in his good books she is super loyal. They are a couple , she is the woman he has been waiting for, she gazes up at him adoringly. Because of this, going to their house and talking to her, meeting for a coffee or whatever, is almost impossible.

6 months ago when he was gaslighting her big time, she was begging for my support and got it. In the event they made it up and all was well in paradise again.
Over the last 4 years they have seperated about 6 times. It was only once last year but it went on for quite a long time and he didn't move out.

Excuse me going on, Ifeel like kicking the bloody cat.

I am stuck, I do not know what to do next, maybe there is nothing to do.

I think you might be right that there is not a lot you can do.

You could send one text during the day explaining things from your point of view in a non confrontational and non emotional way. Perhaps say you will always be there for them and that your lines of communication will always be open to her. But that will mean you probably won’t see the children anytime soon.

Sadly, they have the power of who sees the children and I think you might not really be able to win on that one unless you start really sucking up to him. Which I guess you could do. Deep felt apology (for nothing, but it might play lip service) and then just play along with his games. Then at least you might have access to the kids.

I guess it depends what road you want to go down.

Oh op it does sound like you have tried everything.

The only thing l can think of is to send a card, saying how much you would love to see the Grandchildren and them, and leave it at that...at the very least it leaves the door open...keep sending GCs Birthday gifts and cards......Other than that l cannot see that you and your husband can do any more other than look after yourselves. I am so sorry.

Sadly, I think you've lost the chance of a relationship with your grandchildren while their parents are in this dysfunctional relationship. Maybe one day your DIL will leave your son, and you may then re-establish contact.

Until then, perhaps send a card with a present every year - taking a photo of it, and keep a record of it. If they don't pass on the gift to your DGC, then one day in the future, when your DGC are old enough to make contact with you on their own, you can show that you tried to keep in touch, but were prevented.

I imagine that one day in the future these poor children will need help, and you can be there for them when they do.